December 31, 2013

like in films

maybe i should base my life on fantasy. it usually works out. if not, it'l at least change. or maybe complicate things to the pleasure of the audience.

December 24, 2013

x no mas

hello. it's christmas eve. ummm. actually can't remember when i posted about something important.
i'm happy after all these years i'm remembered by someone and we're communicating. it's a great sensation--like floating.

December 15, 2013

the single Girl

I was going through my old...documents from five or more years ago. Apparently i kept a wishlist about everything, even the intangible. this included a description of my ideal man.

my cute boy (I will really be getting into specifics..): he’s mixed (ideally European and asian, my ultimate fantasy is French and Japanese!), hopefully not from the U.S….i was thinking somewhere in europe like Glasgow.., he should have a decent sense of style (omfg. like the casualness of apc or something), enjoys [adultswim] & cartoons and … kurt Vonnegut, mythology (greek), sweets, video games, takes care of his face/skin en generalmente, can seriously bust a move, serenade me with sam cooke/marvin gaye/pavement/beatles songs (or..other songs I find sickeningly romantic); I’d prefer him to have glasses ... but it’d be ok if he didn’t…and had sad eyes instead (both would be AWESOME!), scraggly bearded, taller than me (not a difficult requirement), a possessor of general and obscure intellect, speaks in an irresistible baritone that isn’t too deep and monotonous with a hint of another dialectal English that generally sounds cute, is capable of (vague as a minimum) speaking at least three languages (or more, always a plus, especially if they are of the romantic family), a player of musical instruments (comme guitar, piano, …idk what else.), can cook deliciousness when needed, able to draw anything remotely amazing/humorous/strange, a multi-humorist by nature (abundance of potty and smut…oh, I can’t believe I like shit like that..), it would be ok if he smoked once in a while...a wearer of nice kicks that don’t necessarily cost a grip, who doesn’t wear cheap ass cologne/axe, not too terribly fat (at least weigh more than I do)"

this is naivety at its peak. there are some omissions from this entry to the real one because...i sounded really stupid. and that happens. over the years since the creation of this list, which i haven't updated in a looong time, i've met a fair amount of guys who have met some of the requirements. i don't know if there is any man out there who can even come close to being everything i'd like, list-wise. dang, how could i be so fastidious? hmmm, well, at this point in my life i could settle for the right combination. the only consistent trait my guys have had is wearing glasses. i'm still waiting for that frapanese man.

November 23, 2013

ode 3

A general post is overdue. As there has been an absence of poignancy in my life most of this year (with the exception of extreme irrational fears and the baby steps taken to conquer them), i've basically ignored this blog because, well, what could i possibly say? if i had chosen to include a synopsis of my daily activities, the mundane excitement i experience right now...i'm sure anyone who ventured here would've become overwhelmed with upset. so. until something wonderful and poignant pops up, i'm certain the flow of content will inevitably slow.

but i think i did something bad. i don't regret it, actually, despite feeling like i should've let go of everything. and it seems i was forgotten. what to do now? i refuse to be unresponsive for a second time.

October 11, 2013

so overtime

it's my birthday again. nothing happened! not even a cake or a card or a meaningful token of the recognition of age! not that i care about that at all. go about your day forgetting i started to exist on this day over 20 years ago!

September 22, 2013

right now's 好きなもの

these are some things i like at the moment. actually, it might be one thing. i suppose that's to be determined as i continue with the rest of this.

after my break-up with japanese music about five or six years ago, i haven't listened to anything like my beloved art-school since then. i try to avoid it if i can. i rebounded with english/european music ranging from rock to electric kinda of stuff, but these days i hold no true loyalties to anything and i've ended up listening to many odd things.
so, this month i stumbled on this:

i don't know what made me click and watch. (i think it was the hair--it reminded me of high school/early college days scene-y/emo-ish boys.) i thought whoever was singing was a girl, the voice seemed high pitched at the time, but it was the guy with the hair. i ended up liking it so much. now i listen to kana-boon at least once a day.
from there i discovered this sort of thing:

that was the first one i saw where the person in the video plays one part of the song on guitar/bass/drums without showing their face. some people use masks, as seen above, or they just keep their heads out of the frame.

sometimes the person will show their face in the video, but most are faceless. is this a thing? i know people like to do covers of songs, singing and playing along and all that. these videos are more about sticking to the one part throughout the song ("try to play") much like guitar hero or something. i have two theories about the no-face thing:
1. they are hideous and/or embarrassed about the way they look.
2. they are modest and would rather showcase their abilities rather than their appearance, as it would too distracting.
i would rather believe the second theory as i like to imagine they are as attractive as they are talented. what girl can resist a musician? mmmm.
however, from personal experience the first one might as well be true.......

i'm so into king of the hill right now. even though i started watching it ten or eleven years ago when it was still on tv, the shows seems so much better an funnier. i netflix it nonstop and, dang, it's some good stuff.

and i really like eating brie. it's good. so goood.

September 13, 2013

around the worlds

i've returned from travels. i had a nice time, aside from the worrying. i recently returned from florida. here are some pictures.

the view from the plane on the way there. clouds look very pretty up close.

i went to hogwarts.

it was fucking amazing.

i had some butterbeer. it's less beer, more marshmallow-y kinda butterscotchy-y sweet. anyway, it was delicious.

assorted candy from the series from that candy shop i don't remember--honeydukes?

then, i went to springfield.

went to krusty burger.

got a krusty burger with fries,

ate it,

and washed it all down with a flaming moe (it was really flaming! in a sense that it was all smoky...).

i really wanted that dancin' homer plushie..

i saw this in a super discount store and i laughed in awe. i wonder what kind of person would buy this?

checked out some forestry. 

watched sunsets at sea. also pretty up close.

that's only a small collection of images from the trip.

August 27, 2013

August 23, 2013

how I spent my summer (vacation)

it must be noted that this blog is officially seven years old. marvelous, but illaudable.

i honestly thought this summer was going to be absolute shit. some of it was and i loathed the idea of the season continuing for a few more months, but some nice things happened that almost made up for the awfulness. the worst part was the injuries i sustained. let's see...i got burned, cut up, bitten, bruised, etc. the burning was the worst--and all that was merely the physical damage i went through. other things effected my mental bits. this blog is not the medium to discuss such topics so let's have no more questions about my mental bits.
i had too much time to contemplate in a more intense state than i usually allot. from wandering all sides of the country, all the things i've seen and heard has brought made me realize: I've done everything wrong. it wasn't premeditated, i assume, it was the choices and the ultimate results that were so wrong. dang.
i've have fairly nice time rediscovering video games and cooking things (i made éclairs! they were really ugly, but they tasted good--probably because of the chocolate) and seeing nice people from my past. albert and i were able to do some traveling as well.

we'll be having a birthday party for him next week.

July 25, 2013

real v. real

it may be observed that my real, real life rarely crosses my blog/internet life. occasionally it happens, mostly in incomprehensible fragments, but it is never on a daily basis (i go weeks, months where i neglect this thing). here's a peek into my tangible life: this is the most important thing i've been working on for over half my existence. that probably sounds base and untrue, but until i bear parasites in my belly this will take precedence in my life (well, even if i do end up with parasites in my belly that grow up to be doctors and lawyers and comedians, i'll still make this a top priority).

i started writing (real writing that features mood and stream of consciousness and the usage of pens) 12 years ago. everything within these notebooks consist of jottings and scribbles recorded (mostly*) everyday. it's more of a singular collection (featuring the life and times of me) that is ever expanding. this easily makes the top three of the greatest accomplishments in my life (despite the fact it has nothing to do with the world and i doubt the rest of the world would be into it). writing is the one of the consistent habits i have (i suppose the other main ones would be oral and general hygiene).

i've filled about eighteen notebooks; i lost one in milan and some of them have left over pages, but there's eighteen that i have to glance at and laugh at when retrospecting my naivete. the smaller, thinner moleskine ones are extensions to the main, larger notebook designated for the year (i have a tendency to write too much or too big or my drawings begin to take up more space). i'll be damned if i know how many words i've handwritten over the past decade and two years. let's just say it's many. many, many words. (*=there is tremendous gap in entries from late 2008-mid 2009...that time frame is a void of events, thoughts, people).
i detest hearing these called 'diaries' or 'journals'. it's not like they aren't, in a broad sense; it sounds so juvenile. the content of these things are anything but. i would say these are recordings. i'm starting a new one today after having debated with myself if i should. it seemed best to continue the tradition as it keeps track of my life, helps me to remember, and is the only thing that keeps me going (i was about to say this keeps me sane...perhaps it does. it's cathartic, at least).

July 24, 2013

fear and loathing

finally watched this in its entirety. it was as good as i anticipated it would be, even if the ending made me sad. sad in a way that was unexpected in terms of what happened between the characters.
in regards to victor...i just don't want to be clueless, naive lauren who waits calmly, earnestly, optimistically.

this gives too much insight.

i like shannyn sossamon's 90s/early 00s style with short hair. i couldn't believe she's part pinay. i was shocked in a phoebe cates way.

July 18, 2013

a good Man is hard to find.

i suppose it seems apt to believe this post is about me. what on this blog isn't? so. my days have been consumed with great viewing pleasures. of late, my obsession lies with gritty, dramatic cop thrillers from across the pond. maybe it's the way they speak "proper English" or how much more attractive detectives are or how much more sophisticated the crimes are and even more so elegant how conclusions are's much more frighteningly methodical. i think it's the second reason why i like them so much. having finished watching sherlock oh so many months ago, and it was here i discovered something called benedict cumberbatch,

i began my descent into the underworld of cop dramas by way of Jack Taylor.

I hadn't noticed before, but Iain Glen is in a lot of films and televisions shows (Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Resident Evil, Doctor Who, Downton Abbey, Coronation Street, GoT). Everywhere I turn he just pops up. Having seen him so much in his middle-aged, Scottish state in various forms of dress, I've succumbed to his rugged, highland attractiveness. Anyway, back to discussing this show. As a former guarda (cop) in Galway, Ireland, Jack Taylor works as a private investigator to solve mysteries and murders the police can't quite figure out. It's very John McClane. Anyway, Jack can be a terrible hardass who fucks this up impeccably. He can also be a compassionate man who figures everything out in the nick of time. he's not very likable, he gets into trouble with the law, he gets beat up by men in ski masks, he shoots off ears and blinds psychotic youths with stun guns--mostly while drunk. there's just a quality about this rogue character that's completely engrossing. the only jack taylor knows how to do (besides be very, very drunk) is find justice. even at the expense of others (ie: deaths, torture, whatever else). if you don't understand what i mean, then go ahead and watch the show. each episode is over 90 minutes's best done when you've nothing too important to do except observe the iain glen as an irishman.

as of late i have been into this show called luther which stars idris elba as the title character. (mr. idris elba is an extremely attractive man who is further amplified into mega-attractiveness as he speaks proper english.) this cop thriller/drama is intense. i wasn't expecting it to entrance me so, i ended up watching two episodes griped in fear and wonder at everything happening. this show is about a cop who basically does anything he can to do the ultimate right thing, even at the expense of others. he doesn't always like to do it, but luther is too good at heart to turn down those in need. despite him being a good guy, he can turn into a frighteningly unstable mass of anger on par with the criminals he hunts down. mr. elba does a wonderful job portraying the different facets of who luther is: a father-figure, a dedicated enforcer of the law, a deeply troubled man, a controlled psycho, someone who wises he could escape his stressful life. i enjoy seeing how luther profiles suspects and is very spot on when it comes to breaking down their methods. it's so eerie. this show goes farther than believed and has left me utterly shocked. (i forgot about this: paul mcgann is in it. when i found out i was all "...oh. he looks different from when i last saw him.") i also fear visiting england as this show has opened my eyes to the sick individuals who could inhabit london (then again, this is true for any country....i suppose i'm just heavily influenced by this at the moment), but if someone like luther is out there then it won't be that bad.
i wish real men like these tv characters. i mean, in a sense of doing good and caring for the ones they love even when it's too late... at least letting them know. and wouldn't a trio of sherlock, taylor, and luther make an awesome crime-fighting team? you'd have the brains and the muscles and intimidation. even though sherlock isn't really set in the real, real world..

July 16, 2013

Falling apart Completely

bunny sadly wonders. bunny sadly waits. will doggy remember the way home.

July 4, 2013

The usa way

happy birthday, america. celebrating with a bang (i assume will be coming later) and a shark.

i kinda wish we were at a backyard bbq with self-operated pyrotechnics. it's too hot here.

July 3, 2013

Fuck the estate

100 exp. to anyone who understands the wonderful hidden play on words in the post title.
A fucking idiot asked me what i hoped to accomplish by the end of summer. the obvious answer, in lieu of the standard response of nothing, was to finishing reading the brothers karamazov (if only to quell my deep desire to heed nicholson's advice). having actually been thinking about how to waste my time, here's the updated list of what i'll be trying to do:

Finish reading A Song of Ice and Fire, up to the latest book. reading the actually novels is so much better than the show; i can make characters uglier or more attractive as opposed to their live action counter parts...and i actually remember the characters instead of wondering who the fuck the man in the tattered smock is.

Catullus. Getting you into my life; your words move me.

Anaïs Nin* why can't my life be as yours was?

French and Italians* because i miss it.

The return of bad habits on the balcony. It worked the first time and 2 liters of vodka will make it easier.

i can't think of anything else at the moment, only sensible activities like volunteering or interning or working at a godawful place. who wants to do shit like that? ... well, i do, to a lesser extent.

*here's a haul of free books i've taken into custody after raiding a vacant apartment. i'll keep them, adore them as they once were adored, and return them should the original owner(s) ask me nicely.

on a completely unrelated note, i am fucking obsessed with iain glen as jack taylor. it's the kind of show that you think might be absolute shite when you see jorah mormont skulking around galway in an oversized coat, but once you start watching it hooks you like some wonderful drug.

June 18, 2013

Television Personalities

I haven't been faithful to television. we had a good run in my early years (i was basically raised on PBS and Fox...yes, cable was too expensive for my household as a child) and i got to spend a lot of time in front of a tv screen on afternoons, evenings, and saturday mornings. god, local channels used to have amazing cartoon line-ups on saturdays. anyway, here are some shows I've been watching too much of, old and new, that i'd like to discuss at length and persuade you to watch as well.

King of the Hill

so i've been watching this since the late 90s, even when i though it was the strangest show, and since then i have become an ardent fan. if anyone remembers the fox show line-up from way back when, this came right before the simpsons (one of my favorite things to watch in youth) so i ended up turning on the tv early and catching bits of this. being older, i appreciate the odd nuances of the show now. hank hill having to deal with his asinine friends and his questionable son. i believed everyone in texas was portrayed as someone on the show, but this was proved a little less than true when i actually went to texas. i watch this on netflix, relishing in the crazy story lines and wondering why this show was eventually canceled.


this was something i began to watch over two years ago. i devoured all the episodes, caught up to the end of the last season that was filmed and stopped waiting/couldn't find places to watch the new season. i gave up. then i met an idiot who started watching this and made me relive everything i that made me relish this show in the first place: the obscenities of nathan, the beauty of alisha, the adorable-creepy-akwardness of simon (i harbor an infatuation with welsh iwan rheon to this day), kelly the chav, and curtis. misfits is supposed to be a mash-up of british tv's skins and i think american tv's's basically sex and bloody violence and very odd things. perfect for younger people to get into. i've caught up to the newer seasons where new characters were introduced and my favorites had long gone. i don't like it nearly half as much as i did, with the exception of joe gilgun, and i miss the original cast. vaguely relieved there will be one more season (5!) before the series calls is quits.


has anyone else seen this? it is AMAZING. Copper is a historical thriller drama based in 1860s new york city. the story revolves around the copper Kevin Corcoran as he searches for answers to his wife's disappearance and daughter's death as well as upholding justice in an early chaotic city. i devoured this show. and i have developed infatuations with a few of the actors, most notably tom weston-jones

I'm also very intrigued by Kyle Schmid who plays robert morehouse.

i have had dreams about that man. there's just something about canadians, i tell you what. they get me every time.
i suppose those are/have been my obsessions for a while. if i could recommend one show, it would definitely be copper, but they're all really good shows to chain watch for a lazy afternoon (or weekend).

June 4, 2013


if you refer to my previous post, i was all about being excited for my growing plants. here is what happened to the ones i took a picture of roughly a month ago. This is what happened to them:

very sad. although this didn't work out for me again, i think i will try to plant more in the future. i know what went wrong (actually, i know what ate my plants and how to stop them).
on another note, sorry for the absence of life updates. nothing's been happening.

April 26, 2013

On the green

I don't know if there are any consistent readers who remember when I first attempted to have a green thumb. That failed miserably as within a week the little sprouts had withered and died. Nothing coule be done to save them. Then there was my epic little tree. I truly loved it so. That tree had such great expectations...and it died when i eventually transferred it to a real pot. That was a dark time in my gardening life. it's not like i swore off trying to grow things, but i felt really discouraged. about a month ago i picked up seed packets for lettuce and basil at target. look at what happened since then:

Amazing! hopefully i'm not jinxing myself when i say these look awesome. everyday these little babies get a good dousing of water i look forward to eating these in the future.

March 2, 2013

there's always next time

shit. i don't think i'll be getting completely educated like i need to be anytime soon. *cries in the corner*
goddammit, really.

February 14, 2013

real Love stories

i want to offer up a selection of films that need to be watched today--it doesn't matter if you're with someone, alone, or trying to/in the middle of hooking up, you must watch these films. this is a day filled with saccharine wubby-dovey-love and last minute gifts soon to be passing through the lower intestine (rejected candy hearts) or dead by the end of the day (those poor flowers). the notion of this day being the most romantic ever is always being reiterated in movies and having happy endings (getting laid? weddings? BABIES?); the mere human beings that we are will fall for it, becoming necessarily disappointed when none of it happens to us. when i first watched these movies i wholeheartedly believed my life would be boxes of chocolates and rides in hot air balloons, but since i've gotten wiser (ie: experiencing none of the aforementioned things and spending the majority of my valentine's days alone) my outlook on this holiday consists of disgust and indifference. even with all the cynicism boiling my blood, i don't mean to say i don't appreciate romance. or love. these are wonderful things...that are sadly twisted in the modern world.

ok. getting on with it. so whilst browsing a selection of films on netfilx about three months ago, i came across boys on the run.

i watched it because
1)it was a japanese movie
2)the brief synopsis was intriguing
3)i needed a break from supernatural.
apparently it was based on a comic and was also a tv series at one point (i just found out now...and i am sooo reading the comic). i didn't like it in the beginning. it really wasn't what i was expecting and it was so ...shocking. i grew to understand and empathize with the underdog protagonist, minature toy selling tanishi. as a 29 yr old living with his parents and offended by the benefits of adulthood and completely clueless in approaching females for relationship purposes he's soooo pathetic...but that's what makes him real. there are so many guys like him who never get any breaks. tanishi gets dealt shit, sulks in it, but he gets motivated to clean himself up, defend his pride and maybe even get the girl.

after a while i began rooting for tanishi. i empathized with his plight. and as every wretched event enveloped him, i hoped to find a man who would be awkward and funny around me, a man who reciprocated my love before we knew each other, a man who would still want me after getting knocked up by his rival and have to take me to an abortion clinic and then try to fight to defend my honor. that was sweet. that was fucking real.

another film i watched recently was blue valentine.

i remember the controversy regarding it when it was first released. really isn't all that graphic (my standards are probably much higher than the general public, proceed with caution.)...and i wanted to watch it because
1)ryan gosling
2)grizzly bear
3) ryan gosling.
when i watched it, i did it in two parts: half of it one one night and finishing it the following night. i don't know if it had a direct impact on my impression of the film, but it did give me time to reflect on the progression of the plot and put together the pieces of the dean(gosling)/cindy(williams) relationship.

watching this felt so fucking real. fights and showers and sex and breakdowns; all the tension between the characters manifested themselves onto the viewer and it was sometimes too much, too intrusive to watch what was happening to fictional characters. the way dean and cindy met was cute...the way they would sing and dance in the street was cute...i started wishing i had more cute dates. dean's outlook on love also fascinated me. he was so sincere about singular. he's a traditionalist, but his devotion and care for cindy a short while after meeting sweet. the way he simply held her, refusing any idea of letting her go...completely dreamy. with ryan gosling as a main character what's not to love? oh, probably when he's dean five or six years later and has to look like this:

omg, he looks so creepy... the grizzly bear soundtrack complemented the film well. i had been a fan of the instrumental version of foreground and the way the music would mirror the scenes, the tension of the characters and the nostalgia of their blossoming relationship really made me enjoy and get unintentionally emotional (ie: crying) throughout the course of the film. anyway. this made me think about the future. so i got super scared. blue valentine shared a few similarities to boys on the run, making me wonder if there's a sentimental man who hasn't known me for long...who's willing to accompany a pregnant version of me to an abortion clinic...even though the baby isn't his...and proclaims he loves me even when i give him shit. are there real guys like that out there? maybe other girls aren't interested in someone like that unless he's attractive...
let that kind of dedication be a guide to all you lonely men out there (& wouldn't hurt if you looked like ryan gosling).

February 12, 2013

and now something completely different

mini post. nothing particularly droning or serious, just some shit i've become ...too interested in for the past few days. here are my obsessions of the week.

these shoes (or at least these kind of ones with ankle straps and a not too high heel).

so i just finished reading this. don't let the cute cover fool you--this is serious good myth-like, epic shit. with rabbits. i started reading it about a week ago and i couldn't stop.

пряники. prianik. russian equivalents to our gingerbread cookies. i like that they're soft and not too sweet. it goes well with tea.
that's all for now regarding my recent obsessions. it's quite a pathetic departure from my usual rants, but the one that's coming before this, well, that'll be a good read.

January 31, 2013


this is the part where i make a huge reveal about how my life has finally changed for the ultimate better and i have a feeling this is the year everything comes up roses. people do that, right? like, "i'm living for me", self-empowering parties? look at that picture (not eating chocolate-covered toffee). that's me in a state of profound contemplation and about to tell you all the exciting news about how fucking amazing i'm doing. hm. actually, no, this isn't anything like that. this is more like "how the fuck did i end up like this"; part analysis, part explanation with an abundance of sidetracks.

this blog is nearing it's seventh year, something i can't begin to fathom and, ok, i'll go ahead and admit it's something i'm proud of (granted, the posts on here are consistently far and in between). when i started this thing i truly had no intention of keeping it up or having my friends or relatives or people close to me know that i had a blog, it was more of thing to express my sadness regarding the separation from the awesome friends i made in japan during the summer of '06. i don't think i'd ever gotten close to people like that ever at the time. they were closer than family. i had the best time with them. many firsts. it was only naturally i would be devastated and i vented our such feelings here. at the time i was on my last year of secondary school so this blog was neglected for about a month. i don't know how i rediscovered it...or why i started to post stuff, but it all happened and here we are.
throughout my time blogging over the years i was always hopeful. i thought "what the hell. i'll be out of here in a few years time with the whole world left to explore. and maybe i'll find my frapanese scotsman!" five years later, some exploration done and not a frapanese sighted, I'm basically at the same point where I left off. yes, i do blame myself for this heinous circle, mostly because i didn't have any back-up plans (failures and missed deadlines and dire illnesses must be taken into account--ALWAYS) and i got distracted. the defining moment of my downfall? hm. i really believe it was when i stopped giving a fuck. really. i was also pretty sure i'd skim by without any terrible consequences. no. the world would never be that nice to me. nothing would ever be that nice to me.

for a while i lived with the depression and freedom and boredom. it was tolerable. who doesn't want to watch episode after episode of supernatural? but the good times began to wane. i had become someone i had always feared, worse than one of those people who seriously consider applying to nursing or technical schools after seeing those cheap-ass commercials that come on during ricky lake, i was really someone who frankly didn't give a damn. it was the ultimate shit feeling because i knew i was letting it happen...mostly because i felt so trapped. i'm in a terrible limbo--not quite graduated, nowhere to fucking go, nothing that likes me--and from my perspective there's way out. not even a hard, impossible one to try. even so, it's completely my fault the weight of my world is crushing me and stifling my attempts to better myself. i'm the most difficult person to overcome. alternatively, i can be my biggest inspiration (in lieu of a posse of best-friends-forever-for-life...because they can be so busy dealing with their own problematic lives these days).

I discovered these pictures in a cabinet. They’ve been there a while and I knew such things existed there, but it had been a really, really, really long time since I’d seen them, I mean really look at them. In my youth I would often flip through old photo albums or school year books pre-1998 and examine the pictures of people I knew, wanted to know, and couldn't care less about. i would also gaze at in my own captured image. i look rather pleased with existence, eh? i guess it's because i still had dreams of becoming an astronaut-zookeeper-animator-author-hollywood-person-world/universe/time-traveler who was certainly going to get a basic college degree or masters (in archeology, probably) and didn't know/care about the real shit in my way to becoming such an individual. seeing the way i was, how oblivious and hopeful about the world i looked, i felt fucking shit. how the hell could let someone down like that? why would i let myself get consumed in sloth and destroy the dreams of a badass (i was going to say 'precious' or 'sweet', but i've never really been like that to the core) girl? So, maybe i need to change my life for the motherfucking better...
i am positively convinced chicago is the only place that makes me 100% happy.
god. the bads totally outnumber the goods at this point. if i really never wanted to be this depressed and inept, i should've never been born. and i could never really be in control of that, right? (but i wish, truly do, i never came to be.)
guess i'll go back to actually trying again and having (tangible) goals.