January 31, 2013


this is the part where i make a huge reveal about how my life has finally changed for the ultimate better and i have a feeling this is the year everything comes up roses. people do that, right? like, "i'm living for me", self-empowering parties? look at that picture (not eating chocolate-covered toffee). that's me in a state of profound contemplation and about to tell you all the exciting news about how fucking amazing i'm doing. hm. actually, no, this isn't anything like that. this is more like "how the fuck did i end up like this"; part analysis, part explanation with an abundance of sidetracks.

this blog is nearing it's seventh year, something i can't begin to fathom and, ok, i'll go ahead and admit it's something i'm proud of (granted, the posts on here are consistently far and in between). when i started this thing i truly had no intention of keeping it up or having my friends or relatives or people close to me know that i had a blog, it was more of thing to express my sadness regarding the separation from the awesome friends i made in japan during the summer of '06. i don't think i'd ever gotten close to people like that ever at the time. they were closer than family. i had the best time with them. many firsts. it was only naturally i would be devastated and i vented our such feelings here. at the time i was on my last year of secondary school so this blog was neglected for about a month. i don't know how i rediscovered it...or why i started to post stuff, but it all happened and here we are.
throughout my time blogging over the years i was always hopeful. i thought "what the hell. i'll be out of here in a few years time with the whole world left to explore. and maybe i'll find my frapanese scotsman!" five years later, some exploration done and not a frapanese sighted, I'm basically at the same point where I left off. yes, i do blame myself for this heinous circle, mostly because i didn't have any back-up plans (failures and missed deadlines and dire illnesses must be taken into account--ALWAYS) and i got distracted. the defining moment of my downfall? hm. i really believe it was when i stopped giving a fuck. really. i was also pretty sure i'd skim by without any terrible consequences. no. the world would never be that nice to me. nothing would ever be that nice to me.

for a while i lived with the depression and freedom and boredom. it was tolerable. who doesn't want to watch episode after episode of supernatural? but the good times began to wane. i had become someone i had always feared, worse than one of those people who seriously consider applying to nursing or technical schools after seeing those cheap-ass commercials that come on during ricky lake, i was really someone who frankly didn't give a damn. it was the ultimate shit feeling because i knew i was letting it happen...mostly because i felt so trapped. i'm in a terrible limbo--not quite graduated, nowhere to fucking go, nothing that likes me--and from my perspective there's way out. not even a hard, impossible one to try. even so, it's completely my fault the weight of my world is crushing me and stifling my attempts to better myself. i'm the most difficult person to overcome. alternatively, i can be my biggest inspiration (in lieu of a posse of best-friends-forever-for-life...because they can be so busy dealing with their own problematic lives these days).

I discovered these pictures in a cabinet. They’ve been there a while and I knew such things existed there, but it had been a really, really, really long time since I’d seen them, I mean really look at them. In my youth I would often flip through old photo albums or school year books pre-1998 and examine the pictures of people I knew, wanted to know, and couldn't care less about. i would also gaze at in my own captured image. i look rather pleased with existence, eh? i guess it's because i still had dreams of becoming an astronaut-zookeeper-animator-author-hollywood-person-world/universe/time-traveler who was certainly going to get a basic college degree or masters (in archeology, probably) and didn't know/care about the real shit in my way to becoming such an individual. seeing the way i was, how oblivious and hopeful about the world i looked, i felt fucking shit. how the hell could let someone down like that? why would i let myself get consumed in sloth and destroy the dreams of a badass (i was going to say 'precious' or 'sweet', but i've never really been like that to the core) girl? So, maybe i need to change my life for the motherfucking better...
i am positively convinced chicago is the only place that makes me 100% happy.
god. the bads totally outnumber the goods at this point. if i really never wanted to be this depressed and inept, i should've never been born. and i could never really be in control of that, right? (but i wish, truly do, i never came to be.)
guess i'll go back to actually trying again and having (tangible) goals.

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