June 28, 2010

Thus spoke ///Z

hello. it still doesn't feel like summer despite it being the end of june. i mean, it don't feel like the right month; i keep checkin' myself--the weather reminds me of march back home sans the humidity. i'm suffering the -itis relating to the excitement of something finishing, variable known as senoritis back in the days of high school. i have no idea what the equivalent of that is now...vacationitis? penultimatitis? whatever, i'm restless and eager for the end of this semester.
i think this is major: "God Makes Music". I was told He could make amazing things, but possibly big banging beats when his sounds get put together? Exceptional.
other great news: i can officially get into hijinks and look good. i've pretty much mastered the dance from bande à part. i'd do goddard proud, busting out in synchronized fluidity with my dastardly cohorts. pending i can find at least two other people who know how to do this dance.

June 22, 2010

concern. stop.

i can't believe i nearly spent the night at school. i'm sure that would've happened. i like how no one at school gives a shit about the english teachers, or disregards important information that should be relayed to them. inverted molestation, one more times, and wallowing in wonder. what a great tuesday.
i fear i might've contracted something. sharing drinks, no matter how cute they may be, is a bad idea..especially considering that today's school is tailored for sicker children. oh joy.
condemning self-loathing.
enlightenment ruined everything for me.

think happy thoughts. think happy thoughts. think happy thoughts.

June 20, 2010

Relating to an absent person

let's calculate: 140 days in korea. fathomable? yes. enjoyable? not entirely. everything feels so nostalgic and it triggers the trauma i've inadvertently harbored all these years.
it's all on me, isn't it? i've made it what it is, the intolerable days that go by (a lot easier to stand now) and the social suicide i've committed (not as prevalent, but still). hm. i make for a miserable existence.

anyway, there is concern for me from others, especially about looking like i should be in the sense of my age and my intentions. i understand what's meant, but doing that here?? questionable beyond reason. it's not like i want that attention..all the time or here, for that matter. this sounds ridiculous déjà vu. if you care to backtrack, please do and tell me i've said everything already.
from my recent readings...and film viewings on the youtube i have concluded (at least for me) death to be a romanticized aspect of life while love...oh, this absent, seemingly easy ritual of being--it's illusory and elusive and malignant. It won't ever arrive, will it? that isn't what i meant to say, i merely forgot the realization i made before. yet. i know that deep down inside, even before i read pere goriot, i never showed my love. BALZAC!!! why did you have to solidify my suspicions? this runs deep; i may never display affection or admiration blatantly. i fear relationships parallel to my parents. this cannot be. i don't want it to ever be.

actions to take place: risks, good deeds, some form of whatever included in love's realm with someone i share an undeniable & star cross'd affinity with (yes, there needs to be attraction on at least three levels).
isn't this a silly trifle.

June 16, 2010

when OH When?

this week without my music has been wretched, thought it isn't nearly as horrible as i had imagined it would be when i started thinking about everything last sunday afternoon. i miss singing on the fly and having my own personal bus soundtrack. dance routines have also been put on hold..until saturday (hopefully).

since this month has been passing by rather quickly, i'm excited about returning home. it's gonna be a bitch moving out and getting my luggage where it needs to be--overlooking all that shit, however, gets me dreaming of moving into my own place in cali, westwood, and having my life in the general, lazy order it's been used to. everyday i feel so much more better knowing i'll be back..the rest of my summer/time before school also consists of plans of greatness galore (lake tahoe, new york city!! finalement!!, maybe oregon/nevada?). excited. excited beyond any words that can express the level of excitement i have.
i'm having another surge in nouvelle vague. it makes me wish for meaningful nostalgia and love affairs with men already involved with someone they think is the one. or just a french guy.
other aspects helping me through these base times: courage the cowardly dog and tiny toon adventures. hilarious. i adore courage. sometimes i throw in a little daria and i know my life can't be that bad. or at least i'll know there are others suffering on the inside just as much as me without truly caring.

i am going to miss my kindergarteners dearly. thinking about leaving gets me all teary eyed, especially when they hug me and say, "I love you."

June 8, 2010

Death Race of Modern life

with all the minutely frustrating events going on in my life, i find it odd for me to realize i'm a bad person. not bad in all sense of the word, but, like, making everything appear horrid to the extreme. i'll try not to exaggerate the aggravations. try.
so, im getting used to this loneliness. it's the inevitable. been like this for a while and...ehh. not just that it's easier to deal with, but it's a state i've been in for the longest time, throughout my life, which makes a little sense if you know my persoal history. hmm. what i can't figure out--it just doesn't make sense that i'd be this way considering where i come from (and, no, i'm not referencing my midwest days). polar opposite? The continuing divergence i strive for in every way possible?

it's finally getting unbearably warm. i'm looking forward to getting brown like usual. i really want to color up (responsibly) before i head back home. i knew i was gonna ghost up here; it looks so unhealthy...and i've been involved in these discussions about whiteness and i've been disturbed by the lengths some people (women) go to in order to shield themselves from the sun.
here's how i envision my summer to sound like.

June 3, 2010

how It feels

it's JUNE!!!!!!! i would be even more excited if i was gonna get out of school in the middle of this month, but, alas, i must work. at school.


but, i've been here four months. what an accomplishment, no? it feels like sunday everyday and i don't mean feeling the trepidation of the upcoming week or relaxing on the last day of the regular weekend. it deals with an institution i feel obliged to attend out of pity, almost, regarding my childhood, and one i've tried to escape for maybe seven years? damn this guilt i carry. damn. why do i have to understand what she went through?
to be truthful, like the good ol' days, i'm rather upset. i have to admit...i sometimes cry on bus rides to and from school or other places. it's because i'm thinking about my childhood and how much fun i've had, namely elsewhere. but. this could all be the result of my scheduled tom..so, these nostalgic feelings make hyper-emotional. and since last weekend...i've gotten hooked on the same thing that was consuming my march and april. GODDAMN. not like i'm going to do anything about it--it's fucking futile, right? intending to go into detail with this issue in 'this'. i'm too prone to fail at these things.