April 26, 2013
On the green
I don't know if there are any consistent readers who remember when I first attempted to have a green thumb. That failed miserably as within a week the little sprouts had withered and died. Nothing coule be done to save them. Then there was my epic little tree. I truly loved it so. That tree had such great expectations...and it died when i eventually transferred it to a real pot. That was a dark time in my gardening life. it's not like i swore off trying to grow things, but i felt really discouraged. about a month ago i picked up seed packets for lettuce and basil at target. look at what happened since then:
April 18, 2013
Explanations, Wants
this is what i would refer to as "being in a funk". cue no rimshot. well, there really hasn't been anything happening that i'd like to mention or bring up or laugh about online in an "lol" fashion about an unusual anecdote. it has come to my full attention that...i probably shouldn't be here. but, that's not important right now. i found something recently that really helped me to understand a useless phenomenon. don't be so shocked by the explicit images below. longtime drifters to this blog might know what happened to me when i went to live in Korea and didn't know shit about k-pop. While recently perusing the internet (but of course I have nothing to do), i happened upon SeoulBeats. And this article that helped explained so many things in regards to girl groups that pop up like weeds.
I still don't understand why the fuck there are so many of them in one group. They look so similar to one another...like robots. I can't fucking tell if there are pictures up there that feature the same groups. I hope this doesn't become a thing that i hate so much that it consumes me and i can't escape it (like this whale). Ugh.
So, to distract myself from the aforementioned monstrosity, i bring to your attention my fertility desires. i was searching through youtube, looking for korean magician videos to show my friend (i actually have been watching a television show featuring korean magicians vs. foreign magicians, it's pretty mindblowing in an absurd way). instead i found the adorableness that is 링컨.
OH MAH GAWD. He's soooo cute!! He talks even cuter than he looks!
oh. too cute.
So, his mom is korean and his papa his some kind of white guy (hmm, i don't want to go delving into the interwebs to find his real nationality, but it's most likely somewhere that has english as an official language). I'm sure 링컨 has wiki page or something for more specific info...
There is a second part. even my mum thinks he's just the cutest thing ever.
After seeing this, my desire to have a mixed baby returned full forced. This is a notion I've always had growing up and I think it stemmed from the fact that my parents weren't the same (Taboo for asians in the late 80s!) and I decided that I wasn't going to end up with the someone like me or having the same background and kind of parents (ethnically). growing up in Chicago gave me hope that this would happen (if i had stayed longer, that boy of irish descent would probably be mine). going to school on the east coast fueled this dream...
as i am getting older, babies are something i think about. i'm not desperate for one, i don't think i ever will be with all the things that come with them (i have no time or money), but when i think about if i ever have babies in a real family, not no single baby mama business, but a real family, i'd like to have cute, (100% fluent multilingual) mixed kids (sometimes risky business because the kids might not look right). oh, this is getting controversial...it's something i've seriously discussed before, though.
it's a dream i'll always have along with my japanese scotsman.
I still don't understand why the fuck there are so many of them in one group. They look so similar to one another...like robots. I can't fucking tell if there are pictures up there that feature the same groups. I hope this doesn't become a thing that i hate so much that it consumes me and i can't escape it (like this whale). Ugh.
So, to distract myself from the aforementioned monstrosity, i bring to your attention my fertility desires. i was searching through youtube, looking for korean magician videos to show my friend (i actually have been watching a television show featuring korean magicians vs. foreign magicians, it's pretty mindblowing in an absurd way). instead i found the adorableness that is 링컨.
OH MAH GAWD. He's soooo cute!! He talks even cuter than he looks!
So, his mom is korean and his papa his some kind of white guy (hmm, i don't want to go delving into the interwebs to find his real nationality, but it's most likely somewhere that has english as an official language). I'm sure 링컨 has wiki page or something for more specific info...
There is a second part. even my mum thinks he's just the cutest thing ever.
After seeing this, my desire to have a mixed baby returned full forced. This is a notion I've always had growing up and I think it stemmed from the fact that my parents weren't the same (Taboo for asians in the late 80s!) and I decided that I wasn't going to end up with the someone like me or having the same background and kind of parents (ethnically). growing up in Chicago gave me hope that this would happen (if i had stayed longer, that boy of irish descent would probably be mine). going to school on the east coast fueled this dream...
as i am getting older, babies are something i think about. i'm not desperate for one, i don't think i ever will be with all the things that come with them (i have no time or money), but when i think about if i ever have babies in a real family, not no single baby mama business, but a real family, i'd like to have cute, (100% fluent multilingual) mixed kids (sometimes risky business because the kids might not look right). oh, this is getting controversial...it's something i've seriously discussed before, though.
it's a dream i'll always have along with my japanese scotsman.
March 2, 2013
there's always next time
shit. i don't think i'll be getting completely educated like i need to be anytime soon. *cries in the corner*
....
goddammit, really.
....
goddammit, really.
February 14, 2013
real Love stories
i want to offer up a selection of films that need to be watched today--it doesn't matter if you're with someone, alone, or trying to/in the middle of hooking up, you must watch these films. this is a day filled with saccharine wubby-dovey-love and last minute gifts soon to be passing through the lower intestine (rejected candy hearts) or dead by the end of the day (those poor flowers). the notion of this day being the most romantic ever is always being reiterated in movies and having happy endings (getting laid? weddings? BABIES?); the mere human beings that we are will fall for it, becoming necessarily disappointed when none of it happens to us. when i first watched these movies i wholeheartedly believed my life would be boxes of chocolates and rides in hot air balloons, but since i've gotten wiser (ie: experiencing none of the aforementioned things and spending the majority of my valentine's days alone) my outlook on this holiday consists of disgust and indifference. even with all the cynicism boiling my blood, i don't mean to say i don't appreciate romance. or love. these are wonderful things...that are sadly twisted in the modern world.
ok. getting on with it. so whilst browsing a selection of films on netfilx about three months ago, i came across boys on the run.
i watched it because
1)it was a japanese movie
2)the brief synopsis was intriguing
and
3)i needed a break from supernatural.
apparently it was based on a comic and was also a tv series at one point (i just found out now...and i am sooo reading the comic). i didn't like it in the beginning. it really wasn't what i was expecting and it was so ...shocking. i grew to understand and empathize with the underdog protagonist, minature toy selling tanishi. as a 29 yr old living with his parents and offended by the benefits of adulthood and completely clueless in approaching females for relationship purposes he's soooo pathetic...but that's what makes him real. there are so many guys like him who never get any breaks. tanishi gets dealt shit, sulks in it, but he gets motivated to clean himself up, defend his pride and maybe even get the girl.
after a while i began rooting for tanishi. i empathized with his plight. and as every wretched event enveloped him, i hoped to find a man who would be awkward and funny around me, a man who reciprocated my love before we knew each other, a man who would still want me after getting knocked up by his rival and have to take me to an abortion clinic and then try to fight to defend my honor. that was sweet. that was fucking real.
another film i watched recently was blue valentine.
i remember the controversy regarding it when it was first released. ...it really isn't all that graphic (my standards are probably much higher than the general public, proceed with caution.)...and i wanted to watch it because
1)ryan gosling
2)grizzly bear
3) ryan gosling.
when i watched it, i did it in two parts: half of it one one night and finishing it the following night. i don't know if it had a direct impact on my impression of the film, but it did give me time to reflect on the progression of the plot and put together the pieces of the dean(gosling)/cindy(williams) relationship.
watching this felt so fucking real. fights and showers and sex and breakdowns; all the tension between the characters manifested themselves onto the viewer and it was sometimes too much, too intrusive to watch what was happening to fictional characters. the way dean and cindy met was cute...the way they would sing and dance in the street was cute...i started wishing i had more cute dates. dean's outlook on love also fascinated me. he was so sincere about it...so singular. he's a traditionalist, but his devotion and care for cindy a short while after meeting her...so sweet. the way he simply held her, refusing any idea of letting her go...completely dreamy. with ryan gosling as a main character what's not to love? oh, probably when he's dean five or six years later and has to look like this:
omg, he looks so creepy... the grizzly bear soundtrack complemented the film well. i had been a fan of the instrumental version of foreground and the way the music would mirror the scenes, the tension of the characters and the nostalgia of their blossoming relationship really made me enjoy and get unintentionally emotional (ie: crying) throughout the course of the film. anyway. this made me think about the future. so i got super scared. blue valentine shared a few similarities to boys on the run, making me wonder if there's a sentimental man who hasn't known me for long...who's willing to accompany a pregnant version of me to an abortion clinic...even though the baby isn't his...and proclaims he loves me even when i give him shit. are there real guys like that out there? maybe other girls aren't interested in someone like that unless he's attractive...
let that kind of dedication be a guide to all you lonely men out there (& wouldn't hurt if you looked like ryan gosling).
ok. getting on with it. so whilst browsing a selection of films on netfilx about three months ago, i came across boys on the run.
i watched it because
1)it was a japanese movie
2)the brief synopsis was intriguing
and
3)i needed a break from supernatural.
apparently it was based on a comic and was also a tv series at one point (i just found out now...and i am sooo reading the comic). i didn't like it in the beginning. it really wasn't what i was expecting and it was so ...shocking. i grew to understand and empathize with the underdog protagonist, minature toy selling tanishi. as a 29 yr old living with his parents and offended by the benefits of adulthood and completely clueless in approaching females for relationship purposes he's soooo pathetic...but that's what makes him real. there are so many guys like him who never get any breaks. tanishi gets dealt shit, sulks in it, but he gets motivated to clean himself up, defend his pride and maybe even get the girl.
after a while i began rooting for tanishi. i empathized with his plight. and as every wretched event enveloped him, i hoped to find a man who would be awkward and funny around me, a man who reciprocated my love before we knew each other, a man who would still want me after getting knocked up by his rival and have to take me to an abortion clinic and then try to fight to defend my honor. that was sweet. that was fucking real.
another film i watched recently was blue valentine.
i remember the controversy regarding it when it was first released. ...it really isn't all that graphic (my standards are probably much higher than the general public, proceed with caution.)...and i wanted to watch it because
1)ryan gosling
2)grizzly bear
3) ryan gosling.
when i watched it, i did it in two parts: half of it one one night and finishing it the following night. i don't know if it had a direct impact on my impression of the film, but it did give me time to reflect on the progression of the plot and put together the pieces of the dean(gosling)/cindy(williams) relationship.
watching this felt so fucking real. fights and showers and sex and breakdowns; all the tension between the characters manifested themselves onto the viewer and it was sometimes too much, too intrusive to watch what was happening to fictional characters. the way dean and cindy met was cute...the way they would sing and dance in the street was cute...i started wishing i had more cute dates. dean's outlook on love also fascinated me. he was so sincere about it...so singular. he's a traditionalist, but his devotion and care for cindy a short while after meeting her...so sweet. the way he simply held her, refusing any idea of letting her go...completely dreamy. with ryan gosling as a main character what's not to love? oh, probably when he's dean five or six years later and has to look like this:
omg, he looks so creepy... the grizzly bear soundtrack complemented the film well. i had been a fan of the instrumental version of foreground and the way the music would mirror the scenes, the tension of the characters and the nostalgia of their blossoming relationship really made me enjoy and get unintentionally emotional (ie: crying) throughout the course of the film. anyway. this made me think about the future. so i got super scared. blue valentine shared a few similarities to boys on the run, making me wonder if there's a sentimental man who hasn't known me for long...who's willing to accompany a pregnant version of me to an abortion clinic...even though the baby isn't his...and proclaims he loves me even when i give him shit. are there real guys like that out there? maybe other girls aren't interested in someone like that unless he's attractive...
let that kind of dedication be a guide to all you lonely men out there (& wouldn't hurt if you looked like ryan gosling).
February 12, 2013
and now something completely different
mini post. nothing particularly droning or serious, just some shit i've become ...too interested in for the past few days. here are my obsessions of the week.
these shoes (or at least these kind of ones with ankle straps and a not too high heel).
so i just finished reading this. don't let the cute cover fool you--this is serious good myth-like, epic shit. with rabbits. i started reading it about a week ago and i couldn't stop.
пряники. prianik. russian equivalents to our gingerbread cookies. i like that they're soft and not too sweet. it goes well with tea.
that's all for now regarding my recent obsessions. it's quite a pathetic departure from my usual rants, but the one that's coming before this, well, that'll be a good read.
these shoes (or at least these kind of ones with ankle straps and a not too high heel).
so i just finished reading this. don't let the cute cover fool you--this is serious good myth-like, epic shit. with rabbits. i started reading it about a week ago and i couldn't stop.
пряники. prianik. russian equivalents to our gingerbread cookies. i like that they're soft and not too sweet. it goes well with tea.
that's all for now regarding my recent obsessions. it's quite a pathetic departure from my usual rants, but the one that's coming before this, well, that'll be a good read.
January 31, 2013
brutal
this is the part where i make a huge reveal about how my life has finally changed for the ultimate better and i have a feeling this is the year everything comes up roses. people do that, right? like, "i'm living for me", self-empowering parties? look at that picture (not eating chocolate-covered toffee). that's me in a state of profound contemplation and about to tell you all the exciting news about how fucking amazing i'm doing. hm. actually, no, this isn't anything like that. this is more like "how the fuck did i end up like this"; part analysis, part explanation with an abundance of sidetracks.
this blog is nearing it's seventh year, something i can't begin to fathom and, ok, i'll go ahead and admit it's something i'm proud of (granted, the posts on here are consistently far and in between). when i started this thing i truly had no intention of keeping it up or having my friends or relatives or people close to me know that i had a blog, it was more of thing to express my sadness regarding the separation from the awesome friends i made in japan during the summer of '06. i don't think i'd ever gotten close to people like that ever at the time. they were closer than family. i had the best time with them. many firsts. it was only naturally i would be devastated and i vented our such feelings here. at the time i was on my last year of secondary school so this blog was neglected for about a month. i don't know how i rediscovered it...or why i started to post stuff, but it all happened and here we are.
throughout my time blogging over the years i was always hopeful. i thought "what the hell. i'll be out of here in a few years time with the whole world left to explore. and maybe i'll find my frapanese scotsman!" five years later, some exploration done and not a frapanese sighted, I'm basically at the same point where I left off. yes, i do blame myself for this heinous circle, mostly because i didn't have any back-up plans (failures and missed deadlines and dire illnesses must be taken into account--ALWAYS) and i got distracted. the defining moment of my downfall? hm. i really believe it was when i stopped giving a fuck. really. i was also pretty sure i'd skim by without any terrible consequences. no. the world would never be that nice to me. nothing would ever be that nice to me.
for a while i lived with the depression and freedom and boredom. it was tolerable. who doesn't want to watch episode after episode of supernatural? but the good times began to wane. i had become someone i had always feared, worse than one of those people who seriously consider applying to nursing or technical schools after seeing those cheap-ass commercials that come on during ricky lake, i was really someone who frankly didn't give a damn. it was the ultimate shit feeling because i knew i was letting it happen...mostly because i felt so trapped. i'm in a terrible limbo--not quite graduated, nowhere to fucking go, nothing that likes me--and from my perspective there's way out. not even a hard, impossible one to try. even so, it's completely my fault the weight of my world is crushing me and stifling my attempts to better myself. i'm the most difficult person to overcome. alternatively, i can be my biggest inspiration (in lieu of a posse of best-friends-forever-for-life...because they can be so busy dealing with their own problematic lives these days).
i am positively convinced chicago is the only place that makes me 100% happy.
...
god. the bads totally outnumber the goods at this point. if i really never wanted to be this depressed and inept, i should've never been born. and i could never really be in control of that, right? (but i wish, truly do, i never came to be.)
...
guess i'll go back to actually trying again and having (tangible) goals.
화이팅.
January 16, 2013
Premium fade
it's roughly the middle of the month and life has not, simply refuses to, and continues no change. maybe little things that have no place in mattering. there has been too much movie and tv watching. since someone made me watch submarine because it was a coming-of-age film that seemed like something inanely british (though exclusively Welsh) i would fancy. i didn't much like it, the ending was terribly inconsistent, but there were some nice scenes. this film made me completely obsessed with alex turner again. i'm listening to the ost nonstop and it's so pretty; like when i associate sad songs to the miserable excuse of a life i attempt. this is my favourite.
apparently this was released again as a song on an arctic monkeys' album. not like i'm following all that again, i'm a pure turner convert. also, i think craig roberts and alex turner look alike except the former has a shorter/more compact head with darker hair..? young mr. roberts is now a part of the welsh actors i dream about on cold dark nights alone in my bed.
completely unrelated, i'm into elliott gould again. ages ago after seeing the original m.a.s.h. i developed a thing for him and there was another 70s era gould robert altman film on netflix (hello, long goodbye) so...i have a thing for 70s era elliott gould again. or maybe i'm saying i have a thing for hairy, tall jewish guys, but i already knew that.
apparently this was released again as a song on an arctic monkeys' album. not like i'm following all that again, i'm a pure turner convert. also, i think craig roberts and alex turner look alike except the former has a shorter/more compact head with darker hair..? young mr. roberts is now a part of the welsh actors i dream about on cold dark nights alone in my bed.
completely unrelated, i'm into elliott gould again. ages ago after seeing the original m.a.s.h. i developed a thing for him and there was another 70s era gould robert altman film on netflix (hello, long goodbye) so...i have a thing for 70s era elliott gould again. or maybe i'm saying i have a thing for hairy, tall jewish guys, but i already knew that.
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