if you've been Bad or Good

after watching the complete first season of american horror story, i will admit to finding evan peters attractive.

maybe it was the portrayal of his character (oh that troubled youth would affect me again!) or the way he looked in bedhead hair with oversized sweaters or when he would wear that gimp suit--but he ensnared me. i want to curl up in bed with him and stare into his soulful eyes. or do whatever people do in beds..the most appealing aspect of evan peter's take on tate langdon was his devotion, how he would do anything to protect violet, how he couldn't fathom to be away from her, like violet was the only thing in the world that mattered (this came to be that one time when he told her she had been the light in the darkness he was made of). ...in my case, this has never happened to me. mr. peters fulfills the fantasy of knowing that one day i'll meet someone (dead or alive) who cares. and then i started to watch the second season of american horror story (asylum) and mr. peters was in it too as kit: 

there's something about him that's so... irresistible. what i wouldn't give to have him look at me that way,,, and today i started thinking, comparing if you will, a similar actor, someone who might make an interesting chiaro to mr. evan's scuro. the conclusion was michael cera.

look at that. i mean, there's some kind of white guy weirdo resemblance that i definitely can't shake. michael cera is not darkness or trouble or anything negative really. whenever i look at him, or even think about his voice, i smile and imagine rainbows, cotton candy, and dolphins frolicking in a purple sea. something pleasant, slightly lisa frank. 

...it's not quite as attractive...maybe cute? geeky, nerdy, i play video games for 13 hours a day cute? well, he's still someone i like. i can't believe he's canadian, it's totally news to me. 

anyway, this side-by-side comparison is kinda hilarious.

i don't know why this is a christmas post. 

santa should've left this to fill my stocking.

hohoho.

good bye, cruel world

the closing of 2012 has always been a bit..frightening? it causes a worry in me not felt since the turn of the millennia with something called y2k . although i wasn't so worried or freaked out hoarding toilet paper and snickers, but there was the uncertainty, the possibility that technology would implode, turn against the human race à la skynet, and we would become destitute without our internets and cell phones. there have been signs of this sort of thing happening with the rise of ridiculous "reality"" television coming about, sub par music, crimes of the past coming to light, falling off fiscal cliffs, and psychotic children. it's probably a good time to clean the slate and start a whole new world. a brave new world. 
rationally, there is no real threat to this coming of the end. i don't think people should be repenting for their lifelong sins...

should the end be approaching, however, i hope i'm doing something that makes me happy. i mean, i don't give a shit if i'm going to die as long as i feel good. ...like i've done everything i wanted to, within my means, and don't expect things to get any better.
...
hm. i guess i mean to say i really don't care if it's the end of the world. i'm rather tired of it. i wonder if this has anything to do with watching too much supernatural and american horror story. god, i don't want to be a ghost either.

Why not

I said something and he replied.
outstanding.
After all that time, I didn't think he'd do it.

But he is a gentleman. As shocking as this was, it erupted a super volcano of happiness in me. I suppose this is something girls like to file under, "hopefully this works out again".

Coke & Porn

i was recently called "promiscuous".

in real life i am certainly not "characterized by or involving indiscriminate mingling or association, especially having relations with a number of partners on a casual basis; heedless or irregular". personally, it's not a safe sounding thing for me to do. would i ever enjoy it? only if i was with the kind of guys I like i took significant offense to that comment because this person knows nothing, didn't take the fucking time to get to know, and made the stupidest assumptions about me. there's a gigantic difference between fucking around and trying to make friends. aside from making me all kinds of angry, it was so pathetic, so sad to realize there are skeevy jerks with who act skeevy because some bitch slut in their past really fucked them over in every way imaginable. and i mean there is nothing left of the happy, functioning person ths once was. they aren't men anymore--they've morphed into miserly creatures who wreck "revenge" and continue the circle of self-depreciation in meaningless sexcapades. yes, it's atrocious what happened to you. yes, i wish i could go back in time and warn you/personally make life better for you/tell you that fucking around with random girls because everyone's doing it is a dumbass thing. but what you've become...what you're trying to do now, that same old trick of fuck and dump...it doesn't work on smart girls. it never works on pretty girls.

and all that shit about knowing me, being like me?
you don't know what i am.
so fuck you. fuck your faux truffaut shit. i can find someone so much better, not to mention more attractive to "lock [ourselves] away from the world and make love and talk about how much life sucks".
at least i don't have STDs or STIs.
gook luck mending your wounds, psycho.

give it to me, tom turkey

happy thanksgiving. i can recall the days when i was applying for college and so fucking full of hope. ah. the good ol' days.
also like those days, turkey will not be consumed in my household this year. it's not my thing to eat birds.

breaking

i truly miss the days when i would simply write on and on about irrelevant topics usually reflecting on my day and such. Most time there was absolutely no continuity between whatever I was typing up. God and the ambiguity I tried to keep up. I like to believe that it worked anyway. There was actually a time when no one dared to look at, let alone read, anything that was posted here. Yet here we are.
honestly,there is no reason to keep this blog up. its original purpose has been lost amidst all the mopey shit and semi-sequitur things that have gone on in the last six(!!) years. there is uncertainty as to whether this will continue; certainly those who have glanced at this bit of work have noticed the decline in writings with poignant content. well, in any case, i still want to keep it up to date with a few happenings.
something i've noticed over as the weeks have gone by is the frequency of odd and frightening dreams drempt. i wake up believing they are real and my emotions range from fear to anger. mostly limited to those two. and it's so odd; these dreams only occur the second time i've fallen back asleep. you know like when you wake up really early, maybe three or four, and then fall into slumber again after a minute? that's when the darkest thoughts creep out and manifest themselves in mental visions. at least for me. it is a very scary thing.
in any discernible case, this is a dribble of no nonsense suitable for people to consider. and i'm not feeling particularly great. it's very lonely here. lonely like when you're surrounded by others, but there isn't a connection with anything.i only wish this were longer.

She's in a lonely world

when i woke up this morning, the first thing i thought was, "there are two days i hate more than anything that come once a year: my birthday and new year's day." i think the worst aspect of these two, isolated days is the fact that you hope it will be better; an improvement from yesterday or a year ago, it can only ever be better. in a few cases this happens and you're happy while it lasts and you think, "gee, birthdays/new year's days are grand!". then there are times when the lingering feeling of stagnation or something worse happening creeps in and creep it does. my birthdays have always been in the second category for a long time. the last time i had a slimmer of a good time during my own birthday was probably when i was ten...or that time when i wasn't surprised at my surprise birthday party (a most failed attempt).
In the grand tradition of my birthday, it was the same this year of bits of boring (no singing, however) and disdain. the most exciting aspect of today, and i have been pondering this for the longest time, is the date. it's 10, 11, 12. all the numbers lined up so nicely, that's what makes today so special, a birthday that was meant to be special.

 the day started out pleasant, but by the early afternoon rain had started to fall and soon turned into a thunder and lightening bonanza. i have no qualms with rain, i quite like it, rather, and where i'm at now we need all the rain we can get.

look how lovely and and gloomy and wet it was. perfect weather to match my upset...i mean, languid feeling towards today. 

Here are a few of the things i got (?):

Some cards and a vampire cupcake. This clearly isn't like this. Sorry about that. I liked the vampire cupcake.

Adorable isn't it? Bloody fangs and all.

Having taken a bite out of him, i must say he's tasty. A bit too sweet, though. 
This day could have been so much better (especially with the rain! I have so much to do with someone in the rain...) and I hope next time it will be. Would someone care to make today happy?

For the time being I'm feeling ever so ancient.