if you've been Bad or Good

after watching the complete first season of american horror story, i will admit to finding evan peters attractive.

maybe it was the portrayal of his character (oh that troubled youth would affect me again!) or the way he looked in bedhead hair with oversized sweaters or when he would wear that gimp suit--but he ensnared me. i want to curl up in bed with him and stare into his soulful eyes. or do whatever people do in beds..the most appealing aspect of evan peter's take on tate langdon was his devotion, how he would do anything to protect violet, how he couldn't fathom to be away from her, like violet was the only thing in the world that mattered (this came to be that one time when he told her she had been the light in the darkness he was made of). ...in my case, this has never happened to me. mr. peters fulfills the fantasy of knowing that one day i'll meet someone (dead or alive) who cares. and then i started to watch the second season of american horror story (asylum) and mr. peters was in it too as kit: 

there's something about him that's so... irresistible. what i wouldn't give to have him look at me that way,,, and today i started thinking, comparing if you will, a similar actor, someone who might make an interesting chiaro to mr. evan's scuro. the conclusion was michael cera.

look at that. i mean, there's some kind of white guy weirdo resemblance that i definitely can't shake. michael cera is not darkness or trouble or anything negative really. whenever i look at him, or even think about his voice, i smile and imagine rainbows, cotton candy, and dolphins frolicking in a purple sea. something pleasant, slightly lisa frank. 

...it's not quite as attractive...maybe cute? geeky, nerdy, i play video games for 13 hours a day cute? well, he's still someone i like. i can't believe he's canadian, it's totally news to me. 

anyway, this side-by-side comparison is kinda hilarious.

i don't know why this is a christmas post. 

santa should've left this to fill my stocking.

hohoho.

Why not

I said something and he replied.
outstanding.
After all that time, I didn't think he'd do it.

But he is a gentleman. As shocking as this was, it erupted a super volcano of happiness in me. I suppose this is something girls like to file under, "hopefully this works out again".

ain't misberating

these past two days were extremely productive! it distracted me from the harrowing thoughts flooding my brain recently. i have eruditely acquired too much information on how a certain language should work and i'm quite pleased with the results. this needs to get done.
however,
there are still bouts of anxiety.



replace "girl" with "boy".

fauxriental

i wish you would call.
please.

she will have to cry

there isn't too much serious discussion that ever goes on here. i think the one major post was about the time I talked about leaving school. ...it was a shit of a way to let people know about my departure, my fleeing, my calling it fucking quits, my dissatisfaction with everything happening to me; it was the only way i could break it to the masses (i couldn't bring myself to tell people straight up...rumors started that i had been eaten by the fat, monster-of-a-girl who lived on my dorm floor).

ok, back to the times that matter: so here we are, five years later, and my life is a touch more exciting and not as horrible. there have been good things. very good things that have made me smile nonstop, the real ones that you don't flash when you feel obligated to look like a sane citizen, and take pleasure in the notion that i'm alive right now. i didn't think it could happen to me, i don't even understand why i let something like two years ago fuck me over for such a thing, but there i was, struck with unnecessary emotions over....wait for it..a boy. is it so stupid that i thought one sweet-and-soft-talking, lying, awkward-handshaking artist from a few years ago was able damage me forever? i was quite sure he did so i avoided any such relations with people who i thought might look attractive and have penises. it was back to being quiet and guarded and lonely (this is ok, i'm a lonely person after all); existence was difficult in a solitary mental state. i came to miss the physical contact, the laughing at stupid things, the overall company of a boy (maybe even a homely one as long as we liked the same things..more on this later). the quest was arduous and unfruitful. how could anyone ever compare to a motherfucking artist who wore glasses and indulged in devious deeds that i could no longer live without...HOW?
eventually, my luck turned. patience is a virtue i never do without and i was well rewarded for a time. it's not often i will receive courting or revelations of admiration with delight. the majority of these advances are met with a coy smile declining such intentions. i mean, it's rare that this will happen to me. i can't even begin to imagine why anyone would find me remotely attractive: i'm generally short, rectangularly shaped, annoyingly silent, indecisive, unintentionally judgmental,wide-faced...the list goes on, but i don't want to demoralize myself any further...So it's always an uplifting sensation to have a reciprocation of liking from someone who doesn't turn out to be stalker or creepy 40-year-old geek who lives with his mom.

this brings me to the much eluded topic of...urgh...wuv. i can't stand thinking, talking, wondering...having anything to do with it. Love is such a powerful, definite word; the connotations apparent in it are so deep, it can't be flung around recklessly to express a vague liking of something--this is a feeling poets have been trying to encompass for ages, what artists have only dreamed of depicting, something young girls hope to fall into by the time they reach puberty.
in the course of relationships i've survived, the greatest adversary i've come to face is trust. At first it's easy to believe someone likes you, but as time progresses you pick out little characteristics that induce suspicion; by the end of dates or sex or walks in the park or sex or awkward car rides one can't help but wonder if he really cares...if he's already plotting a way to ensnare his next victim (consensually or not), if he thinks about you whilst on the loo because you certainly do. i mean, really, how can you tell if likes, let alone Loves, you?


of course there's the betty everett method to determine such a discrepancy. to be honest, it's never quite worked for me...and i'm still very much waiting for that one magical kiss where i wrap my arms around his neck, lift up left foot (and only the left), and there's a spectacle of fireworks going off around us (or it at least feels like it to me) and a i can see the whole thing enfolding as if a camera is encircling us to catch every angle of bliss.this has never happened.
i think this fantasy has to come to an end.

back to the point, if there is a point, if you've kept up with what i've put on here thus far and paid attention: my trust issues. Of course I've been lied to, damaged by selfish boys who want it all, and the tolerance for anyone who fucks me over wanes...at times i become consumed by paranoia. this is made all the worse as every boy/man/life-changing, magical entity has abandoned me, leaving without a trace or explanation, resulting in brooding, sobbing, and an overall mood of desolation on my part. there have been instances where i recall a fond or ridiculous memory and my eyes will well up (so much for being an emotionless mass of woman). all that flashes in my mind by then are thoughts of my insignificance and why i exist in world that would do fine, if not better, without me.
now i can't even remember what i was supposed to discuss, where i was going beyond a post regarding a special little guy who is leaving me for a better life...all i can say, since he's long gone and no longer thinking about a stupid, melodramatic girl, is i miss you. yes, i'm guilty of caring too much and possibly wishing of fulfilling my mad notion of becoming a single mother (it is a desire i often dream of....don't judge).

remnants good for a lazy saturday
so. this is mostly a dedication, an explanation (pending it is read in all its entirety by my special little guy), a retching of words to let you and whoever winds up here know that you're nothing short of amazing, that you fucking saved me, that i'm suffering without you...that maybe i lost the best gotdang person i've met in a while and it will take me eons to find the next one.
despite these revelations and admirations about this person, there is lingering doubt in my mind that he will be good; i only suspect your engagement in purely sexual escapades or narcotic affairs. i am driven to madness. as much as i'd like to ignore these thoughts, they always creep in when least expected. just because fucking feels good and i'm not there doesn't diminish the fact that i know you're being a jerk. please don't go around fucking trash. i worry and i endure the sensations of stupidity exerting too much concern over your activities. at least know i do.
in truth, i have never thought of you as a moral person; the decisions you make, the actions you do are based on your own intentions: let them die. there are things i've wanted to say in your presence, but why take me seriously...i hope you care, i assume you do since the last time i saw you..
on the issue of my loyalty i only have to say this on my behalf:
(1) i don't lie to people i don't know very well
(2) why would i do something stupid?
ANYWAY! this has been dragging on forever and it's out in the public free to be ridiculed and snuffed at by everybody. so that's it. i'm going to write miserable novels in the corner whilst sobbing...and don't fucking tell me to man up or have some balls because it's not physically possible for me to be or do those things.

curse these feminine qualities.

Leave me want in MOR

This is a dilemma. Why do these yearnings happen to me at the most inopportune times? For the most inappropriate people?

This is probably the third person I've developed feelings for in this manner. The original impression is one of grotesque repulsion..that morphs into a sense of pity and...ridiculous wanting. Very, very, very dumb desire.
I'm a little eager to be ending up alone.
And concerned about how quickly I make irrational judgments.

Also, I am obsessed with this right now: Movies re-imagined for another time and place. Leonard Nimoy as John McClane and Trainspotting directed by Godard? YES.

I'm in the process of developing a time altering or traveling apparatus to make this shit happen.

Seen and unseen

Hi there. My absence from this blog is extremely apparent. Hmmm. Well, i am here today to discuss/put up/make note of my current interests/obsessions.

first, los campesinos! has a new album, "hello sadness". this band and i have gone back maybe four or five years when I first saw the music video for "you! me! dancing!"


i don't remember how i found it or where i saw it, but i knew i adored the song. from that point on i've been following the band's musical releases and found the majority of them to be pleasing to the ear with enough innovations and continuity; you do a double-take while realizing it's the same twee, blatantly cynic group of welsh musicians.
yesterday i it dawned on me that los campesinos! is the only band i listen to that i feel grew with me; we sort of developed and converged in identical ways, albeit theirs was of a musical form and mine was, more or less, biological. it's the idealogical aspect we share.
that's what i feel, anyway, when i look back on my late high school years, the time i spent in england, my stint in south korea, and where i am now. the parallel is astounding, like one of those "soundtrack to my life" kind of things.
back to this new album: i find it a good listen, i can't stop listening to (a few of) the songs. it's been two days and it's usually the first thing i want to hear when i start my day.
my absolute favorite song has to be "baby, i got the death rattle." the mood of it and oddly clever lyrics with the apt musical composition makes it something i need to have on repeat.



next up, just want to share this from italian class today: il volo. they are absolutely adorable!! we watched this at the end of class, and even though it's a little pavoratti meets jonas brothers circa 2008, the pavorotti aspect beats out the faux-pop-rockers any day.


see!!? even though i was laughing in bewilderment and shame and amazement, you can't help but be mesmerized by their italian charms.

i can't believe they're still teenagers. they are very, very, very cute.
how is it i was unaware of their presence here during the summer?? dang.

The last bit here, i just found while making my rounds on the other blogs i follow. this is alain delon. he is a french actor.






*drool*

europeans on the mind again.

the California english Dreaming goth, Los Angeles--I'm yours

i don't know why i'm listening to led zeppelin again. it's reminiscent of middle school and early high school and those long, vacation road trips. also brighton.

i'm seriously starting to long for home, disappointingly pining for Los Angeles. I fucking miss burritos and trader joe's truffle bread and target. my god--no target makes me miserable..there's so much to see and do there. it's the browsing i miss the most. my experience here hasn't been overwhelmingly awful; i'm not really regretting going across the ocean to teach. being in korea isn't such a difficult transition. it harnesses memories of youth and uncomfortableness i constantly feel (usually on a weekly basis in the homeland). i always feel stressed, however, and generally uncertain.
one thing i'm most upset about: the boy selection. i mean, there isn't much cuteness to my preference. to be frank, i don't much care for korean or most asian guys in general..oh my, i feel a little bit horrible for saying that. i mean, the kind of guys here are just....not what i want. i have no intention of staying here for a long ass time, although there is a possibility of returning for work in the future, and, to be really, really, really, really honest...since i'm already mixed, like, already korean, so what's the point in trying to keep everything the same? if or when i choose to procreate the future, i'll be looking for someone who's ideally on opposite ends of the spectrum (mm, euro-asian). i just want a serious blend. that's for the long term, bordering on however long forever might last. short term...i don't really care as long as he's cute (scraggly beard, sad eyes, and equally fancy hands included?). probably asking for too much here....also so not sure if any attempts of transitory relationships should develop. eh. the options are just..eghhh.