the difficulties

recently, i have been having the worst time trying to fall asleep at night. i would say this started in the summer, probably due to...ehm, the most stressful events ever, and here i am months later, suffering the fallout. urrrgh. two nights ago was the most dreadful as of late; tossing and turning in the dark occurred whilst i hoped closing my eyes would make me nod off. well, that clearly didn't work. it took me hours to find a comfortable position and tired enough to let the day go. the possibility of me having problems, mentally/physically, is great, do you not think?
and there's the trouble that comes when i do sleep: these dreams.
dreams of pure horror and unimaginable ecstasy (re: this and sometimes my other dog, but mostly this) which often collide into a scary, unappealing adventure in my subconscious.
these are things i do not understand. hoping these become more infrequent.

of my Dreams

i always hoped to find the great love of my life in a haphazard fashion, some silly scenario where i trip, fall, and get helped by a mysterious person who asks, "Are you All Right?" and we share a happy life for however long it lasts.
yes, it's silly. No, nothing of that sort has ever happened (crossing my fingers it does). this brings me to the actual subject of this shindig. i apologize for implying i plan to run around in the streets, falling on my face to get anyone to help me (a tall man, exclusively from northern england or scotland). these nights have been filled with odd dreams. i haven't experienced any of this sort in over ten years. and you know david tennant? he was the tenth doctor on doctor who and i think he's quite attractive for an older man and the only reason i knew who he was was because he had just finished a tour of hamlet with patrick stewart whilst i had been in england. anyway, i never watched doctor who, ever, but i did like david tennant before i started and kept this picture to gaze upon.

what i mean to say is a few of my dreams have revolved around me and the doctor. the last two recent doctors (oh! the things the 11th doctor did to me! utterly not at all very horrible). i think it's because of all the doctor who i have watched, aliens and time travel and stuff on the brain make me want to act them out in my dreams.
that's my analysis.
i can't believe he's scottish. and he married his "daughter"!!!

i know i am pure

there are those who believe the world revolves around them. proud, important people; it's perfectly reasonable for self-proclaimed awesome beings. if you're somebunny like me, though, you might think, "hey, why am i so great?"
the world has been revolving before my existence and it would keep revolving without me. why the fuck should it matter.
retrospectives are in order with some of the free time i've had. the one thing i realized was how horribly far away my actual life is from what i planned out when i was five. yes, it's disappointing, but not so much that i feel it's the end of the world. or that i should drastically change everything. seeing it turn out different makes me a tad upset; spending all those years making sure i would finish an academic career at st. john's lutheran school, continue at st. john high school, and get into that champagne college--dreams for fucking naught. how aggravating it was to see the hopes and dreams flutter away and being too young, stubborn, and feeble-minded to conjure up new ideas of a wonderful life in the real west. perhaps it was the result of absolute devastation. yes. that must have been it.

i have prolonged the teenager in me indefinitely. most likely not going to leave that stage anytime soon.

with all the new fangled things that have happened and that haven't i still wouldn't change anything. for the first time a long time since this crazy, angsty perpetuation of my life i'm relatively happy. it's not all the time (god, how miserable the days are), but in the right setting it can be absolutely blissful. the universe could implode explode, be destroyed by aliens raging an intergalactic war and i wouldn't give two shits about it. as long as i'm in the happy state anything could happen and it would be ok.
let's not get into what i'm like when that feeling isn't there. we won't delve into what i feel now. it's not necessary.

hmmm. onto more memorable past relics: i was going through my closet today, cleaning it out mostly, and i came across the tiny valentine's one passes out to classmates in elementary school. a whole fucking slew of them. a folded up piece of notebook paper, ragged edges gracing one side where it had been ripped out, caught my eye. as i started to unfold and open the thing my heart skipped a beat. was this that thing? that one thing that i had been looking for since i've been here? the paper that might've been lost forever???
well,
it was. here it is.

look at that! it was the first number i ever got from a boy i liked! no fourth grade girl could resist something as romantic as this...he's so fit in the drawing, but you know in real life he was a rather scrawny boy with a cute, innocent 10-year-old face. i treasured this thing when i received it, so shocked he'd even give me such a wonderful bit of art and information. somewhere between there and here the paper was misplaced and i've been wondering what had happened to it all these years.
i didn't call him when i got here.
a ten year old girl in a phone call situation with a boy she likes gives more than butterflies in the stomach.
i was/am more timid than most.
i don't plan on calling him now.
why would i be silly and do that after waiting 13 years?

methinks the word is Mum

this is indeed a disturbing universe.
something to worry about, be fearful of, scorn over.

Too due

here's to hopeless wishful thinking i'll get to have fun before fall hits (or a list of things i'd like to do by then):

-beach
-zoo/aquarium
-watch a film in a theater(i don't mean the one where i've been working at..unless there's something good showing. the couches there sure look comfy.)
-visit a dog
-pranzare a un ristorante buono
-see buddy holly again. at least once. ... who am i kidding?? i want the weekly hangouts back!
-find a way out of this country
-cream
-girl talk*
-art museum
-long walks to nowhere
-tacos
-be "happy"

i'm going to do as many of these things as possible. that most likely entails i'll be going alone. ... hmm, it's not like i ever do things with other people anyway.
*you need not be a girl to engage in this sort of talk with me, but the dynamics of this specific talk should be understood.

ain't misberating

these past two days were extremely productive! it distracted me from the harrowing thoughts flooding my brain recently. i have eruditely acquired too much information on how a certain language should work and i'm quite pleased with the results. this needs to get done.
however,
there are still bouts of anxiety.



replace "girl" with "boy".

fauxriental

i wish you would call.
please.