January 5, 2008

I want you to know something,
something very important

Um. This is serious. I mean, major, majorly important for people who know me and don’t know about this already.

I’m taking a leave of absence from school. (Pay close attention to the LOA part—it may not be a permanent thing yet.) I feel bad, you know, because someone else suffers, to an extent, at this expense—a great pal of mine who I’ve known for ages. There are varied and numerous reasons for this decision and I had the most harrowing time deciding what would ultimately be the best for me. This may seem like a waste—like throwing away a good thing, but really, it isn’t the place for me. Scholastically, I find the place doesn’t cater to my needs and to be brutally, really, grotesquely honest I was planning on not attending next year or transferring…as soon as I could. Maybe I’m also a bummy cheapo, too, and education isn’t the first thing on my mind at the moment—there’s so much more I could do (Ahem, approved travel to intriguing locales around the world) with the cash that’s been flowing to the place. It’s so hard to admit it publicly; the feeling of being a fucking failure as well as being categorized with my other various relatives (not that it’s bad, although I could be implying a bit of genetics here) lays a heavy burden on my being and it ain’t a nice thing. And it’s not like I’m saying it’s a terrible educational establishment—it’s great if you know what you want to do and they’ve got the classes that’ll ultimately help you reach that goal. It’s a wonderful place with trees giving off fresh air galore and scenery rivaling even the best of those in the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy (New Zealand or something, I read it some time ago in some magazine of sorts). I might just need a break from the uncertainty of it all and to finally do a bit of what I’ve always wanted to do (there’s a fair amount of ‘em on a list much like the super b-b-bang one). I need to experience shit on my own and learn from all the fuck ups I’ve never had. This is one of the few times, if not only time, in my disintegrating youth where I can have a say in my educational life without being obscenely forced into doing things others think is good for me. How are they gonna know what I’m planning to do and what gives ‘em the authority to make me do what they want? I do feel insincere; a goddamn fake, a believable liar, a sleazy conniver and for all that, especially leading you on ever so willingly, I AM SORRY. Any wonderings regarding why I didn’t come forward earlier…I don’t know—all caught up in the hype of what college was supposed to be and what it actually turned out to be. Shit. This resembles a spiel I might go through if I were breaking up with someone I’d been seeing for a long time and the relationship was all right, but I wasn’t thinking it would go anywhere and still liked the person and wanted to be friends without sounding like a whiny, unknowing bitch who can’t figure out the fuck she wants. And, uh, people who don’t know me or never will because I’m not going to said school listed on the good ol’ facebook sorry for not getting to know you better/never meeting you. I don’t think this includes many people…and I doubt most of them care at all.

Maybe I’mma take this time to grow up, start caring, and function in the economic world.
I still feel miserable about breaking this news mostly in this ridiculous, impersonal fashion. The digital world makes it easy to confess while disguising the repercussions of words. I kinda wish for the simpler times of forced social deliverance.
I’m something with you, but I’m not nothing without you.

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