In the vicinity of Eleven

so! in retrospect, this was probably a pretty shit year. again. maybe not as disturbing as 2007, but, from my recollection, it's among the shittiest. top three, maybe? i'm thinking it had a lot to do with what i (wasn't) doing and my first time doing things (so, so disappointing. surprised i didn't die from embarrassment). to get into specifics would be tedious, not worth a read. an imagination, sure. leaving the oh-ten at that.

looking ahead,i sure as hell want to either end this frustrating, continuous shit or grow whatever the female equivalent of cajones are (giant, estrogen pumping ovaries?). my initial indecisiveness is getting the better of me and all reasoning thus far calls for the former.
i know i want to list all too specific resolutions that i stick to as much as my willingness to "better myself" tempts me. last year turned out to be a fiasco as i left for someplace where i had basically no control. ehh. i'm up for trying this time around. aside from continuing with last year's piff, i want to get this out of the way as well: attaining a guy. Why is it so elusive? Was that number/muscle-y self portrait combo the best thing that ever happened to me? god, and i lost it, too.

hoping to get more depressed, my number one priority.

the penultimate wave

my break time is nearly terminated. i spent the majority of it stuffing my face with things i don't normally ingest. regrettable. i also learned to lower my expectations, but, my god, i wasn't prepared for the experience to trump my lowest anticipation. it was funny how i thought of what i was really in for on the day everything started. and the fact that i dismissed the fact of whatever it was. great.
the next time that happens i wonder who'll be with the kids, if all goes according to plan.

I've been a villain. My name's on the NAUGHTY list.

It is xmas eve, y'alls. i can't remember what i was doing last year (supposing it wasn't the greatest in a while). i don't think i'll be treasuring this year any much. i guess the only thing that isn't making me feel any more the upset is knowing that this can't possibly be the lamest anyone else i know is experiencing. ah, i think that makes sense if i read it back. waiting, if i survive, for next year to roll around.

oh my god, it's so short.
and..that's what i said.

of context. You must accept!

i know i was a little harsh the last time i was on here (it's reality!), but now is a time to reflect..more positively like cations. do i want to feel better, like i've actually done things comparable to successful events, regardless of their level of accomplishment? there will be base, base milestones listed so, don't get your hopes up; there won't be a mention on the status of "three bitches in dublin" or usuki clan t-shirts for sale (ah, maybe wait a few more months and they'll be ready for all your memorabilia pleasure!).

no order, just whatever comes to mind that made me feel good after i did them.

-blowing a bubblegum bubble

-tying my shoelaces (aha! no more velcro, but this was before the advent of slip-ons crossed my mind)

-getting my driver's license. seriously, you have no idea what kind of shit i went through to get this thing.

-getting used to the dark. monsters lurk elsewhere.

-graduating high school !

-surviving being teacher

ah, ummmm, there aren't anymore. or, at least anything that comes remotely to mind.
still trying to ride this distracting, happy high: check out these snacks i got!



this is like that one time i talked about my fave ice cream at the time and those mini, fake chicken legs. i thought that these things would be sweeter, but they turned out to be rather...a little more savory to my liking. so cute, no?? i adored the penguin and isn't it funny how the leopard looks like it has multi-eye action going on?? the cock is also a nice mentionable laugh, i couldn't believe they put that on a cracker. for kids. the monkey on the box...so hilarious.

It's beginning to look a lot like..failure

since i'm failing in school right now (unintentionally for the first time! it was supposed to really matter! ugh~i'm trying, too!), i don't feel at all positive. there's too much pressure riding on me/this; all these people, some of who i don't even know that well and have made me their honorary "adopted" daughter (why do the majority of my parents' friends have sons? re: deadline for marriage/babies). overwhelming!
at least i'm 2/3 done with my finals. they weren't horrible to take, but the overall accumulation of "work" i've submitted will ultimately be my downfall.
sometimes i wish i went to art school. like, the one in sf or something; they always used to send me stuff about what was being offered, why it was ok to go there...etc. all the more fueling my case for an oh-7 reepeat.

oh, i should take all this into my own hands and at least be pleased with what i'm fucking up.

holly jolly heat waves!

hullloo december! i'm desperate to break out sweaters and scarves and boots and other woolly apparel, but the weather is pms-ing, going all crazy, fluctuating like an ocd on crack. that's the best analogy i can think of that stills maintains resonance and relevance. i've seriously come to dislike this time of year. it's the end, it don't feel like it should, and these goddamn christmas songs. i really don't like to hear those melodies in december, i find it base and have rightly connected them to the mind controlling higher-ups who've taken commercializing to a different stratosphere. maybe it's just me..for the past few years the lines between thanksgiving and christmas have blurred into a gradient not unlike those seen in the works of rothko. i'm getting ahead of myself; it's the realization that i've accomplished so little this year, as before, and i'm not doing ANYTHING. can you relate? i feel as if i ain't oing anywhere and this whole back-to-school stint as a student is seriously not cutting it for me.

I said, "Where's the white stuff?"

i can't believe it's already the end of november~! it feels really weird, like, time passed by so sloooowly. i can't relate that in terms the general public can understand, but...i guess it reminds me of my time spent in korea...hmm. ah, getting too nostalgic. anyway, more stress about school and thinking and just patiently looking forward to finishing. ok. hmmmm. i have too much on my mind, distractions abound. and comics, oh my gosh, COMICS are totally sucking up my precious time with their engaging visuals and entertaining story lines...

since i've been here at school, the full quarter here, it just isn't..like.eeeehhmmm..it's hard for me to explain, or even openly admit what it's like on here (i reserve that for my arbitrary collection of 'this'es). it's almost like i had such grand expectations, but it's not that different from what i left behind, in all cases. i suppose that anything i set out for and eventually reach will end up being a sort of let down (with the exception of travel..the greatest memories are made in other countries!)..ah, ok. Other things? it's quite chilly in my place these evenings. the "heater" doesn't seem to improve my conditions plus it's so obscenely loud. at least my internet connection has been reliable for the last few weeks. yay. but i might be speaking too soon.
And. It's probably bad to long for someone who is preoccupied with ...another? shits. stupid influential media and deadline for marriage/babies. damn it all.

on black friday eve

thanksgiving. i remember days when i used to post about joe namath. yeah. i know i've been gone for a good while--it's because i'm busy with unimportant things that turn out to be super important and i end up being m.i.a. (from internet life, at least) to complete my duties.

i feel totally stuffed with horrible things. and, like, it hurts.
it's such a sickening sensation...that really transports me back to my childhood.
and thinking about tomorrow. yeah, it's disappointing, upsetting, and ...nauseating. cheers to those taking part in its newly minted "festivities".

Toking super mas.tur.bat.ion

oh shitzles. that was so funny. i need to share it with whatever limited audience i gather. can you imagine how that comes about? pun definitely intended. onto less humorous stuff.

i am still considering ideas i initially had in '07...and taking them to the next level. maybe, maybe it'll be the best thing i ever did and i can float away...indiscreetly. Or i need to get my feet back on the ground, suck it up, and finish what i started so i can get on with life. do you know how conflicted i am? can you even imagine?
at least the quarter is almost over and i can revel in the multitude of tests that i can only complete 17% of.
the reality of faux'demics. can't deal with it.

and since there hasn't been good ol' media to spruce up your attention:

Done did what had to be do'd

i'm feeling a little better. i turned in that durn research paper for comm today. and at this very moment i'm having derivation epiphanies. seems my academic concerns can be put on hold. this month has been so stressful--i'm transported back to a time where school mattered and i (kinda) cared and i was acting all responsible. it's not exactly the same level of attentiveness.

i am so fatigued by education.
seriously having the same considerations as 07.
maybe since i've done a shitload since then and i'm a little older...but, i guess i should just finish this, eh?
ahhhhhh...this perseverance thing is wearing me to the bone.

ice cream chips and hos LEEGT

it's three days into the new month. it feels like the end of august. i'm stressed out and wallowing in the fifth circle of hell. figuratively speaking. a distraction to these necessary endeavors has been cyrano de bergerac. he's hilarious! well, i think so when i read his parts. i can just imagine the spectacle.
ehm. my life is going along, without major retributions for the abundance of nothingness i've accomplished. i'm patiently, ever so, waiting for the end of december. school will be on vacay, it should be cooler (like, normal fall weather we'd have been feelin in october), and people i like will visit.

i expect to be disappointed. i mean, i'll be hopeful until the time arrives, but there is a persistent sense telling me that this future event to look forward to might be..not so great.
other topics on my mind: how i'm stuck in the mire and longing for a means of escape.

Oh. monsters run amuck.

it's that scary candy day again! i missed a costumed pay-party on friday night.
thoughts on what i wanted to be this year: cleopatra, a beatnik, tuxedo mask. i settled on Odile from bande à part. simply the easiest to dress as. theoretically speaking, i would totally go as her. for, uh, the third year i ain't got nothing.
i'm not even expecting andy comas. oh, it's a shame i don't get the free candy as much as i used to.

Seduction from the man of my land, "Blow my fairy dust."

there's no way around it. today was a shitty day. right from the moment i got up and through the classes and, well, right now is relaxing, but every precedent has been unfavorable. it was the revenge of the toilet (accompanied by rogue toilet paper) that started my early morning. that may have been the most involved bathroom incident i have ever been in...but it wasn't as embarrassing as that time in heathrow airport. in philosophy, the esteem i held for my professor all but diminished when he said, "I always thought Tinkerbell was hot." Sure, it gets laughs from the kids, but really? Truthfully? A fairy fetish for true or an early morning joke to wake us up? The world will never know. Ah, linguistics. After practicing how to do all three islands in the three different movement things, i realized which ones i was having difficulty with (damn wh- islands and you topicalizations and it-clefting). Since i was already having a horrid day i figured, a little jokingly, that we'd have that kind of shit on the quiz. Lo and behold, my pretties, a TOPICalization of a WH- ISLAND ensued. And i fucked it up royally--i didn't follow the instructions at all...although i'm quite sure i got the general idea of it down pat.

Ahh. I predict more shittiness before the end of the day. Don't know how or when, but it's-a coming.

and to tag on a little something related to the last bit of the last post: i need to concentrate on what's going on now. like i give a fuck about what might have developed. surely there will be better. surely someone diluted. man, being patient all these years has got me worked up.
sarcastically noting emphasized: it's wonderful to hear so many people are getting on with their merry lives and actually accomplishing the beginning hurdles associated with life goals. good for you.

draffing, dragging along

my, I feel as if this week passed by rather quickly, even more so than I prefer. I think it had to do with the studying and trying to figure out damn derivations and still stressing over things I should have been doing well over three weeks ago. On the upside, I’ve been gradually committing to personal linkage (on a familiar scale). It’s not terrible or overwhelming if done with restraint and an “open mind”. Getting fixes a few times throughout the 5-day school week has been serving me fine.
What’s been fairly nice thus far is the weather. I relish in the coolness and the rain that’s been visiting. I’m dreaming of snow (too early?), but knowing where I really am that is impossible. Seeing as I’m not focusing on what I should be (reading up on that mass media and still trying to figure out what I’ll be comparing), I suppose I can divulge in a few things that have caught my interest (good or …stupid.)

fb can be a nice way to talk to friends in far away places and find out when stuff is going on (or..who and who have got it on), but I find this utterly unnecessary because
a) you can do it yourself
b) it costs money
c) it immortalizes a profile picture, a constantly changing thing (well, will you print & pay every time someone changes their pic, presumably to something better?)

and here are paintings that look like something j.d. ingres would've done if he listened to the sex pistols or black flag. it's fine art based on hardcore.

um. i guess that's all i really found in the past few days.

lastly, i don't think i'll feel right until i admit this:
i just need to say it. "i miss you." every goddamn time i see some asian guy with slightly squinty eyes peeking from behind thick framed glasses with their black hair vaguely obscuring their line of vision (and a lit cigarette hanging between slack lips)--it makes me sick with longing..again.

it's my (birthday) party... i'll cry cuz i want to

seeing as it's my birthday, it appears logical to make a fit about how old i'm getting. well, not so. in all respects to time and how all-powerful it disguises itself as, i'm just the same. nice as that sounds, i've perverted it into a negative aspect that i must rid myself of.

didn't get what i wanted this year, like that matters nor is it the focal point about this. all i'm thinking is today was a genuine upset. i mean, surprises can go awry and...yes. the better part of my day turning 20-something was munching cake in candlelight while trying to get my internet to work.


delicious frustration. the cake was choco. it was funny how sometimes the candle looked like milk...but no.
and have you heard chilly willy? dancing goodness.

oh well. hoping for better next year. again.

is it real ?

another year for three in a roww. heeeyy! i'm saving deeper stuff for tomorrow, but there isn't anything wrong with me discussing modern life.

not much to say, right? hmm, i suppose a decent teacher evaluation might be due (circa 2008)
philosophy. i had no idea math could be so poetic. reallly. i couldn't even fathom sentences could literally be transmuted into sequences encompassing everything i've feared from mathematics. i'm not a fan of this class (not every bit of socrates is used literally, but there is stlll god existence things going on). the professor is definitely my favorite, though. he's the kind of person who doesn't teach or explain very well, but tries to joke around and make the class enjoyable (kinda works, everyone's pretty much asleep since our class starts rather eeearly--the mtp dog was rather good!). i think i like him much more as a person. such an adorable old guy..you don't really get them these days.


he basically looks like this, but his name is NOT noam chomsky.
my other two profs are...about the same level regarding how much what i think of them/the class. ..it's what i imagine to be the same.

i'm disappointed to be learning that languages are being stripped from their ambiguity and elegance to be dissected in a manner to be understood. pshh. i kinda don't wanna be majoring this.

the edu brief. white and tight?

what a change in weather. it feels like fall now. the question i seem to be getting a lot of these days is, "how's school?" i tend to reply, "it's ok." and inside i'm really thinking what i'm saying. in any scenario, i figure school is school and being here is no different from old college days, etc. also being no stranger to these stranger times, avec tous ces mecs.

however pleasant the weather has been, outbursts of rain and the gradual increase in coolness, i still wish it were more frigid. i've lately realized my birthday is coming up quick (the notion of getting another year older skipped my mind indefinitely for some reason). i can't fathom how old i've gotten and how much in common i have with most of the living venture family. thinking too much about the future and continuing to stare out windows during lectures (should there be any in the room). dreaming of those far off locales, the different countries i've tasted and long to savor to the fullest extent.
it almost comes off as perverse, that last part, don't it?

upon the start of this academic year, i've returned to pere goriot. everything in it still rings ridiculously true, but i want to change a few ideas that have plagued me.

par exemple:

"We are as hard on a feeling for showing itself too completely as we are on a man for not having any money."

and, you know, i'm like vautrin so, indeed.

no lick, self stick, not sick

it is hot. it was hot yesterday, it's hot today, and i'm anticipating more melting good times for the rest of the week. i can't believe this kinda weather…it’s nearly October, people. To put it into perspective: I stripped down nearly nekkid when I got home yesterday. I lounged around like that for almost an hour. and I was still sweaty. Even in the morning, when I open my eyes and realize I have to go to school, it feels stuffy—pretty much like an oven. Not because it’s sunny, it’s actually humid.
Anyway, I have to stress the difficulty in regards to connecting to the internet at my apartment. Apparently it involves the whole building and I dunno when they’re gonna fix this whole damn predicament, but I’ve sparsely wi-fi’d and had to use school connection today (as I type I’m in a library! The other one I found the yesterday that isn’t as blah as the powell one). When I think about it, I can’t exactly find an exciting even to bring up that could be deemed blogworthy. Eeehhhmmm, any plans I originally had haven’t come into fruition….

oh my god, i have to mention my annual return to manga/anime related crap! over a year ago it was bleach, right? ok, it's back to scanlations a la summer before sophomore year. i absolutely cannot get enough of this: Say I'm Cute and a little more hardcore (wait..should it be? i mean, this is really more physical) version--Love Stalking!
It's all too relevant, making me regret a few decisions i've made.
if you care for something less sentimental, here's a bit of hilarity and disturbing you can read in choku!


obviously any aspects of my life are too mundane to read up on..

God, won't it end.

here i am in my new wonderful apartment and going to school everyday thus far, even though classes haven't started yet, to familiarize myself with these foreign surroundings. i still get lost on campus, but at least i'm fairly certain i know where my classes for this quarter will be. regretting i didn't dorm on campus a bit since i gotta walk through these hilly streets and i have no idea when some activities or whatever are going on (can you fucking believe i missed bruin bash??!! i feel like such a loooosser..). i just wasn't keen on the fact that the housing stuff made meals a mandatory add on and 12 people sharing 1 bathroom...um, maybe not.
My general feelings regarding UCLA are...ehm, bland. I know there are some people who are crazy-excited to be bruin and break out in the eight clap every few minutes, but--i could give less of a fuck. just looking forward to graduating and worrying about real like again (oh my god. do you have a deadline to be married and/or pregnant? no? oh, sorry, i guess you don't have concerned older friends like me). I mean--I think it's because all the transfers are put together with the freshmen for new kid stuff and seeing all these students in all their blue and gold apparel emblazoned with those four letters--I've been through this before, granted it wasn't even close to this good, so it's nothing new. In some respects i kinda wish i went to san diego. curses i wasn't able to visit the campus there before having to decide! the scene here..makes me long for...pcc. sadly.
of course that could change over time--i'm willing to see how this will go.

what's really getting to me are those asian guys with glasses. what. the fucking. hell.
also the dripping of rain or whatever liquid onto the exterior of my ac unit that i can do absolutely nothing about (FOR NOW).
leaving it at that.

unimpressioned wid new yuck

remember how i was so fucking excited about this trip to nyc that i started laying out nearly 5 months ago? well, i just came back. so, maybe you can tell from the title how felt in regards to this city..i think i was so upset with the mediocrity since i had built up this fantastical place in my head (thanks a lot, movies of my childhood and tv shows) and i guess since i've seen much more awesome cities before ever setting foot there (yes, Tokyo, London, and Paris, you guys are my faves).
Not everything was horrid--I was just expecting more. I was reminded of a super crowded Chicago, except this was probably the original deal. I liked the subway, even though it was kinda really rank, since it was totally efficient and made getting around super easy once i figured out where i wanted to go. (some) people definitely dress better, like, in a european way; it's a totally different aesthetic to los angeles.
also, i was there during FNO and fashion week. The opening ceremony guy thought i worked in fashion (quel doux~). The sad of the FNO deal was not seeing karl, tom ford, alexander wang, getting free stuff, etc based on the account of my feet being massacred from walking in seemingly comfortable shoes. the only slightly famous person i saw was chrisian siriano at saks playing pictionary. he's so petit and adorable and hyperactive. ok. i don't want to bore you with the rest of my bad first experience (..heheh..), i'll throw in a few pictures of any noteworthy memories.

i must say, the bergdorf goodman has to be the most amazing department store i have ever been in. EVER. it's so wonderful inside..
oh, and these guys were dancing all nite long at the LV store on 9/10.

Up in 90210

i found this a while ago, within the past few weeks, and since it's been taking up tab space i've decided to put it here.
good criteria for dating/fucking.
when i followed the chart with my recent encounters it only led to the nasty. i wonder if i shoulda done it. hm. in other words, i've been lonely lately and it's very, very depressing.
of course that's a rather normal sensation for someone like me.
moving on.
my obsession with avatar: the last air bender maybe dwindling (it was a mere two weeks ago i got into that shit). i watch the last episode today, some of it, and i felt free knowing how it ended.
although, i do have an inkling to watch the live-action movie and check out the spin off that's in the works.
that makes me feel...very fangirl in a disturbed way.
oh well, there's always gaspard ménier.

hahahaha, link dumping.

revisiting all. Conflicted

the last day of the month. school has already started some places near me: the high school (and probably all the other schools in this district) and PCC. gosh, that place will always have a special place in my ...educational equivalent to a heart. while driving by there today, i saw the surges of students in that back-to-school influx i feel i'm over, but always nervously anticipate. I've almost a month free before i have that sickening sensation again. so, this was on hiatus while people were over and i had a brief vacay in vegas where i learned my dog had run off (not romantically with another dog, to my false dismay) only to find out he made his way home.
recap of last week in pitchers.






a tired boy.
i'm busy these days, wrapping up college stuff and trying to figure out what to do and how to get around in NYC next week. i'm excited. thank the lawd i got me some decent travel time after six months of hard labor.

on A RoLL

aaron johnson as seen on jaw porn, angus, thongs, etc film, the vagueness of kick-ass, and now in the future with nowhere boy.



i swear to god. it's like jeremy davies and guy pearce, but much much much better looking and kinda real-life scandalized.

i can't believe he's playing john lennon. w.t.f.h.
that surprised me, more so than that old lady he knocked up.

experience the retrospective

after finally returning to cali....all the excitement i've harbored for the last five or so months, anticipating eating burritos and in n out, it's been a little of a let down. well, it wasn't as spectacular as i led myself to believe--it was just like an ordinary day, like just going home after spending a night/week away; no time seemed to have passed. i just didn't feel any significance, really, and i have to admit the last two times i returned to the u.s. after living abroad for extended times, I cried when i when i finally got past all the customs stuff and saw all the people waiting..and my family. i don't know if it's because i'm older and i have a different relationship/view of my parents or...well, my main speculation is the fact that i was leaving the people that i had gotten so close too; deep down inside, i was sure we'd never really talk to each other the same way nor would i see them (not as often in some instances). i'd miss these people more that anything, even if a few of them upset my in ways i could never fathom in reality (no..i don't think i suck giant cocks...well, maybe not four years ago). i think this time around i didn't come back with any of them on the same plane so...there was no emotion knowing i'd be leaving people i'd actually gotten close to. i was close to tears, i have to admit, but none of them flowed.

back to the main reason of this post: what was life in korea LIKE?? i sense you're dying to know and imma be honest with you...when i first got notified i got accepted into this this i was all, "Shit. What the fucking hell have i gotten myself into??" I can explain. See...i have some issues with a select few koreans and the language has plagued me since my youth (read here for a refresher on my early years). and when i got there..whoooo. it was like reliving the cliques from school and church and, yeah, i couldn't find myself fitting in with any particular group (well, i made friends the first day, but they ended up in different groups and i was long forgotten and i never really saw/talked to them again until the end of orientation in feb...even then,i didn't end up talking to most of them at all). i just wasn't into those kinda people i was so goddamn sick of seeing the same kinda drones, in the korean american sense, that haven't been the nicest of people in my experience.

that was a hard time for me since i was quite excited to meet people i'd enjoy hanging around and maybe visit throughout my time in korea. that might get discussed later.


hm, moving on. when i got to hamyang...it was all right. i really was expecting much, much more worse, like, totally out in the middle of nowhere and farms everywhere (ok, that last part wasn't an exaggeration). and, honestly, i felt out of place when i met some of the other teachers there. and, yeah, it got really, really, really awkward about a month in so...i kinda basically committed social suicide for yet again. at the beginning i couldn't stand how the older people walked in the middle of the sidewalk, creating a nearly impossible labyrinth to maneuver through to get anywhere. i can't even begin to describe the smells. it became apparent in the spring and escalated to atrociousness in the summer. it was madness (but not sparta).


my school life? how was that? yes, it was wonderful learning i'd have to teach at three different schools all within thirty minutes from where i lived.



i was expecting only one, but, gosh, i felt so honored knowing i had to sacrifice a strong relationship with my kids to teach english on alternating days (there were times when these students lashed out, mostly inappropriately, when they discovered the other schools i frequented). it was a WONDERFUL surprise to discover my korean scholar helper had quit on me so I was gonna have to teach and discipline (yeah..none of that really went on) alone. written sarcasm is wonderfully subtle, no? the point i'm trying to make--besides being bombed with the news of having to go to three different place, two once a week--is i never really got to know my students and ..i really wanted to; i thought that was one of the greater positive aspects of this program-which-shall-not-be-named-here. english learning is great and all, but i wanted to leave a nice impression on the kids--i swear i just learned the names of my fourth graders at my main school (well, some second graders, too). the times where i didn't have sufficient teaching materials...or arrived unprepared. oh, the improvisations i made! enough about work and school--hahahaha it's the same thing! i never would have imagined--other aspects of interest occurring in my six months away:
i met my other family i haven't seen in ages. i was barraged with the "do you have a boyfriend?" question and accused of being FAT. the latter was particularly nice to hear from a cousin i last saw as a baby. i kept my cool and took the opportunity to actually get to know them and at times feign an interest or reaction signifying i had learned something interesting/i had never heard before.so, i'll definitely be back to attend my older cousins' weddings, which i hope will happen soon to at least one of them...who's a girl.
to be fatally honest, i shed tears countless times. on the bus, at home, at other people's homes, on the train in seoul, in restrooms...basically everywhere. it wasn't just that i didn't like it there, realizing that all my speculations had come true; i gained a total awareness of the situation and MY LIFE. crazy. i couldn't believe it either at the time. acceptable catharsis time.
aside from all the events i've construed as awful about this overseas occupavation--occupation vacay!--(poignantly those occurring in april, june, and july) this was a good time for me to learn about korea, the not-so-scary-holier-than-thou-seeming side i'd been so accustomed to. seriously, i know nothing beyond k-pop (not even that much) and cute stationery (like japan rip-offs, but still cute nonetheless). i got crazy amounts of history and language and culture thrown at me, it's a shame my head didn't explode.


i remember way back in march, i'm sure it was then, when another english teacher in hamyang asked what i liked about korea. i replied, "I don't know" and went on a mini spiel about how i really didn't like most/any aspects of korea (how would you feel about it if you grew up going to flip parties and witnessing your only 이모 living in the u.s. stress all educational aspects on your once happy cousins). but. i can attest to a few things i found enjoyable during my time there. i grew to like bus rides, my absolute favorite route was on fridays 4:30 or 5:00 PM from Anui to Hamyang. it signified the beginning of the weekend where i could get out of town (i swear, i spent maybe two, three weekends tops, in hamyang and it wasn't great fun...i mostly slept). those were definitely the most relaxing rides. i also liked taking buses that ushered me out of hamyang, back to civilization i had been introduced to upon my arrival (it really wasn't as glamorous as i thought it might be, but what was i expecting anyway?). i also developed an adoration for all the greenery. forestry and mountains--everything reminded me of totoro. it was pleasant to witness that sort of nature.


the combination of bus rides & seeing all the green was splendiferous, i tried to relish it all before i reached my destination. those were the best times i had that i can share with you without revealing all the intimate, often unwantedly surprising, smut i succumbed to. not all of it was heinous. most of it was, but, like i said, i'm not getting into that stuff. not here at least.
and i believe cristal was a godsend. i never told her this, yet intended to in a heartfelt letter, but she was like an older sister to me. we had things in common and were a little similar and the greatest part was she could understand everything i said. i had someone to talk to at work, to bring up my problems and to discuss hers--it was a educational friendship match for the ages. when i return to korea, for that wedding, you know, i vow to visit her (gosh, in anui??). i miss our talks and simultaneous stares of bewilderment when we didn't quite understand the korean spoken at us. hahaha, that was fun..bearable times.

i guess i've vented a little. i want to finish this up. so. maybe you're thinking, "well, i really just wanted this girl to give one word to surmise her feeling, being back in l.a. and all." right. i'mma give it to you: relief. past tense if you know what's good for you.
here's some cream to further express my sentiments.

ok. so this program wasn't the best thing i ever done. i can't exactly call it out, but it's easy to tell which one it is. i'm not saying you shouldn't apply, not everyone grew up like me with vague knowledge of these things that make a harrowing impression. you might be a lucky one who actually has a good time all the time. i can't stress enough how much i felt so...

i'm so excited--all i cans do is Hide it

less than one week to go. unfinished business i'd like to attend to. upcoming post is all about my time here. expect epic essay style like when i kinda quit college in '08. i will be talking mad shit. like "this".

wiggle and Pull Out!

end of the semester! yesh! i spent most of my day reading the ________(insert school faculty member) from the black lagoon series--so nostalgic--and ricky ricotta. this activity made me long for my juvenile library housed in my room. i'm so gonna rere-read the phantom tollboth. what else have i been up to, you wonder? mmm, packing, i filled one suitcase and i'm sure it can take in a little more, and discovering these cute vids:







and this



iant.
i nearly od'd on paul rudd. his dancing in the earth costume = so adorable.
so ready to go home, back to palm trees and mexicans and acceptable television. one more week?? i know i can do it, but....


eghrh, it's gonna last FOREVA.

passing bye

I write like
James Joyce

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

i don't believe it. this is not stream of consciousness or a fille based bildungs roman.
things i realised aujoud'hui: i have a week of work left and i mean, like, the length spans a real 7-day week (not just business days). Two, I have shitloads to pack and since i'm part of the elite slacker society i ain't done nothing (major) yet.
everything's going to happen like that [insert snap here].

and..i have to admit that i lied two posts ago about busan. this will be my *official* last time there this weekend.

I'm not good at these...will waving suffice?

It's over! Two schools down and one to go. One more week. Eesh. And then a whole 'nother week. EEEEE. But most of the stress is over. I can relax and worry about my main kids for the remainder of my time here; i can finally start developing that teacher-student relationship i promised i'd make five months ago with them.

Today didn't go exactly as i intended, namely sine i almost thought that english class was cancelled because my 1^st & 2^nd students were about 20 mins late. at least half of the period was gone so i could just review by showing them creepy bug pictures and treat them to a pink panther episode. Grades 3 & 4 was almost the same situation...and i just let them draw, eventually showing this classic towards the end of class. etc. i had also planned to give ALL of my students mini, *super mini*, gift "bags" filled with stickers and candy. i only gave one out..and one girl thought it was trash. that made me feel so sad.

i spent so much time making them last night~~~!!

oh well.

enjoy this last day of cuteness and quite possibly my ass. unedited for your pleaaasssuree.


one thing i could never get: how the fuck was it that the school i worked the earliest always had me home the latest and vice versa for the school i worked latest at?

Wiggy wack

so.i think i saw the majority of my family in busan for the last time. it was rainy and somber and funny when the wig got cut/we watched shrek. i really should have gotten my hair did too, but i don't know if the lady would've known what i wanted..anyway. one cousin went on a spur of the moment-seeming trip to japan and i had intended to give her some stuff and tell her the new interesting shit in my life...ehh. whatevs. i think i'll be missing mr. kindergarden-bread. this is the second time i've seen him and..yeah, quite humorous.

my last week at two schools begins! i don't know...i feel so much more relieved than sad with the exception of the one kindergarten class.
i'm relishing the moments when people are too shy to speak to me in english, but turn out to be genuinely talented in the language. emphasis on the latter.

limited Edition Orgy t-shirts, exclusive access

foreign fourth of july take dos. it wasn't great; no fireworks or bbqs to say the least--i didn't get to eat anything at all/minutely delicious until after 7pm. that was truly unintentional. i think i'm getting ill again. i don't know what happened...it just feels like something is constantly caught in my throat.
so about this weekend. it didn't start off so well on friday, i think, because i kinda got ditched then got lost for a while in a drizzly seoul. friday night was nice. before i got tired and was feeling gross from the rain/humidity combo. meeting people was nice. especially ones i had never seen before in my life. that was great, really. things happened, not exactly what i had thought would, but...stuff did occurred. i just thought it might end up with another at the time. hmmmm.
after two or three hours of sleep it was off to the mud thing which i didn't take part in. i felt extremely dirty the whole day. ....a good weekend overall, maybe. all because of the orgies.

i was pleasantly surprised seoul's weather and sky was marvelous on sunday. what a nice time i woulda had sauntering about if i had gotten up earlier. instead i got two ridiculously itchy bug bites on my left ankle.

Thus spoke ///Z

hello. it still doesn't feel like summer despite it being the end of june. i mean, it don't feel like the right month; i keep checkin' myself--the weather reminds me of march back home sans the humidity. i'm suffering the -itis relating to the excitement of something finishing, variable known as senoritis back in the days of high school. i have no idea what the equivalent of that is now...vacationitis? penultimatitis? whatever, i'm restless and eager for the end of this semester.
hhem.
i think this is major: "God Makes Music". I was told He could make amazing things, but possibly big banging beats when his sounds get put together? Exceptional.
other great news: i can officially get into hijinks and look good. i've pretty much mastered the dance from bande à part. i'd do goddard proud, busting out in synchronized fluidity with my dastardly cohorts. pending i can find at least two other people who know how to do this dance.

concern. stop.

i can't believe i nearly spent the night at school. i'm sure that would've happened. i like how no one at school gives a shit about the english teachers, or disregards important information that should be relayed to them. inverted molestation, one more times, and wallowing in wonder. what a great tuesday.
i fear i might've contracted something. sharing drinks, no matter how cute they may be, is a bad idea..especially considering that today's school is tailored for sicker children. oh joy.
condemning self-loathing.
enlightenment ruined everything for me.


think happy thoughts. think happy thoughts. think happy thoughts.

Relating to an absent person

let's calculate: 140 days in korea. fathomable? yes. enjoyable? not entirely. everything feels so nostalgic and it triggers the trauma i've inadvertently harbored all these years.
it's all on me, isn't it? i've made it what it is, the intolerable days that go by (a lot easier to stand now) and the social suicide i've committed (not as prevalent, but still). hm. i make for a miserable existence.

anyway, there is concern for me from others, especially about looking like i should be in the sense of my age and my intentions. i understand what's meant, but doing that here?? questionable beyond reason. it's not like i want that attention..all the time or here, for that matter. this sounds ridiculous déjà vu. if you care to backtrack, please do and tell me i've said everything already.
from my recent readings...and film viewings on the youtube i have concluded (at least for me) death to be a romanticized aspect of life while love...oh, this absent, seemingly easy ritual of being--it's illusory and elusive and malignant. It won't ever arrive, will it? that isn't what i meant to say, i merely forgot the realization i made before. yet. i know that deep down inside, even before i read pere goriot, i never showed my love. BALZAC!!! why did you have to solidify my suspicions? this runs deep; i may never display affection or admiration blatantly. i fear relationships parallel to my parents. this cannot be. i don't want it to ever be.

actions to take place: risks, good deeds, some form of whatever included in love's realm with someone i share an undeniable & star cross'd affinity with (yes, there needs to be attraction on at least three levels).
isn't this a silly trifle.

when OH When?

this week without my music has been wretched, thought it isn't nearly as horrible as i had imagined it would be when i started thinking about everything last sunday afternoon. i miss singing on the fly and having my own personal bus soundtrack. dance routines have also been put on hold..until saturday (hopefully).

since this month has been passing by rather quickly, i'm excited about returning home. it's gonna be a bitch moving out and getting my luggage where it needs to be--overlooking all that shit, however, gets me dreaming of moving into my own place in cali, westwood, and having my life in the general, lazy order it's been used to. everyday i feel so much more better knowing i'll be back..the rest of my summer/time before school also consists of plans of greatness galore (lake tahoe, new york city!! finalement!!, maybe oregon/nevada?). excited. excited beyond any words that can express the level of excitement i have.
i'm having another surge in nouvelle vague. it makes me wish for meaningful nostalgia and love affairs with men already involved with someone they think is the one. or just a french guy.
other aspects helping me through these base times: courage the cowardly dog and tiny toon adventures. hilarious. i adore courage. sometimes i throw in a little daria and i know my life can't be that bad. or at least i'll know there are others suffering on the inside just as much as me without truly caring.




i am going to miss my kindergarteners dearly. thinking about leaving gets me all teary eyed, especially when they hug me and say, "I love you."

Death Race of Modern life

with all the minutely frustrating events going on in my life, i find it odd for me to realize i'm a bad person. not bad in all sense of the word, but, like, making everything appear horrid to the extreme. i'll try not to exaggerate the aggravations. try.
so, im getting used to this loneliness. it's the inevitable. been like this for a while and...ehh. not just that it's easier to deal with, but it's a state i've been in for the longest time, throughout my life, which makes a little sense if you know my persoal history. hmm. what i can't figure out--it just doesn't make sense that i'd be this way considering where i come from (and, no, i'm not referencing my midwest days). polar opposite? The continuing divergence i strive for in every way possible?

it's finally getting unbearably warm. i'm looking forward to getting brown like usual. i really want to color up (responsibly) before i head back home. i knew i was gonna ghost up here; it looks so unhealthy...and i've been involved in these discussions about whiteness and i've been disturbed by the lengths some people (women) go to in order to shield themselves from the sun.
here's how i envision my summer to sound like.

how It feels

it's JUNE!!!!!!! i would be even more excited if i was gonna get out of school in the middle of this month, but, alas, i must work. at school.


disappointing.

but, i've been here four months. what an accomplishment, no? it feels like sunday everyday and i don't mean feeling the trepidation of the upcoming week or relaxing on the last day of the regular weekend. it deals with an institution i feel obliged to attend out of pity, almost, regarding my childhood, and one i've tried to escape for maybe seven years? damn this guilt i carry. damn. why do i have to understand what she went through?
to be truthful, like the good ol' days, i'm rather upset. i have to admit...i sometimes cry on bus rides to and from school or other places. it's because i'm thinking about my childhood and how much fun i've had, namely elsewhere. but. this could all be the result of my scheduled tom..so, these nostalgic feelings make hyper-emotional. and since last weekend...i've gotten hooked on the same thing that was consuming my march and april. GODDAMN. not like i'm going to do anything about it--it's fucking futile, right? intending to go into detail with this issue in 'this'. i'm too prone to fail at these things.

core no viet just Flip. Get it Right.

ok, I should stop with any expectations. i think my new course of action is extreme impassiveness regarding anything i get remotely excited about. also, i want to be, how do you say...decisive? anyway, this "i don't know"/"maybe"/"i don't care" phase has been pwning me for the past three or four years. at times i can make up my mind...perhaps distractions.
i'm not fucking southeast asian all the way--that mistake has pissed me off throughout my time here.

in an unrelated note, i was thinking these past few days..about how i feel overall, really focusing on high school times to now. this is what i deduced:

my level of happiness is on the low end near that purpley sad faced fool. i think it's something i've felt predominantly throughout senior year of high school up til now. i laugh and there are few things i've claimed have made me happy, but these are all fleeting. i would like to find something that gets me towards the orange.

divergently, here are some great interview tips. i do #4 constantly, wherever.

dreaming of summer sauntering in Echo park. W/O hipsters.

oh me. oh may. now intonate invariably to speak in a new language. maybe. anyway. this month was kinda enjoyable. maybe because i saw some people i'd been wanting to see and i didn't work as much as the two previous months. not so stressed anymore (except dealing with 1^st & 2^nd). i'm trying to make this the best month ever...at least before august and september. so, i'll try to keep low expectations and whatever eagerness still lingers for any upcoming events.

also, since it's been getting warmer (the weather here is...not at all to my liking) i've been craving to bust out in dresses or skirts. however. not here. no. i want to; alternatively, i figure it would bring unwanted attention from those i don't care to become the object of interest. anyway here's my summer cloths (i mean cloth + s, not a typo) lust list thus far:

Dresses:

i like that it's babydoll. the print kinda reminds me of tigers. it's kinda a nite time summer dress; good for fall transistion, no?
at OC.

This is adorable and oc-ish, but for cheaps. cheapers. i'm into those trippy, messier (galactical, refer to this French Guy) colors.

madewelll..
to be honest, i'm totally diggin' in a ton of that madewell stuff. like, so seriously.


rag and bone stripey. it reminds me of that thrift store tshirt i left in l.a., but this is longer and with pockets and more $$.

i can't get the picture for the last one, but its from uo.

and.... Hermès. i think the durn kellys and birkins have begun to infect my brain. here would be a cheap alternative (though, looks like it wouldn't hold heavy shit):

at coc.

free underwear

get your thongs here. it's FREE.
humorous, no?

boys, Boys, the perpetual distraction

i'm rather happy i found this bit of awesomeness: jaw porn. holy. it doesn't hurt that the faces attached to the jaws are also mighty fine. i died when paul rudd popped up; pleasantly surprised james franco has a younger brother who looks nice too. i crave some variety in guys (totally nonexistent/lacking here) and this provided a good fix. i find myself craning my neck to check out any white guys within my vicinity (the last time i saw a relatively acceptable one was in 대구). ....i really, really miss seeing shitloads of white guys that are actually appealing. like seriously.

now for a shameful bit. and you thought sexy jaws were embarrassing (ooh, the scraggly beards above all~): let me give a throw back to mr. alex turner. i tend not to think about him as much these days. but. i've watched a helluva lotta korean tv, much to my dismay, and seen this one bloke who i found to resemble my old infatuation. he's also in music and alternates the short/long-shag hair. it's 민호 from 샤이니. i think there's some semblance. see here:

AND

similarities, no?
quite possibly a hair connection. i like the juxtaposition of cute: the boderlining on ultra-feminity good boy and the kinda bad-ass. also the fact that they're not even the same ethnicity intrigues me.

conclusion:
a)i still like cute guys
b)i am now searching for my available hoppa alex turner & 민호 guy (like i wasn't already doing the former..)

whawhat, you Changed, girl.

i feel significantly different for some reason. it's been this way since last friday, maybe? i don't think i'm the way i used to be; not saying anything really dramatic (like, physically) has happened. it ain't the same. it's a little difficult to explain and it's almost as if everything i say is like a broken record, stuck on repeat.

too much wondering. i think.
also, i'm starting my transition from dance-y electronic music to bluesy rock/r'n'b/funk. hello black keys, sharon jones, and joe tex.

and growing out my hair is a bitch. it's in that awkward phase where it's all in my face and wavy where i don't want it to be--the epic question to answer: to bang or not to bang?

one hundred: Missing the real sun and smog

i counted yesterday. the results are in. i've been in south korea for 100 days. Seriously. i know that really isn't that many, but it freaks the shit out of me when i realize how long it's actually been. i think i'm going through the mid-life crisis of teaching here; the intrigue and wonder of being away from home/things i'm used to has waned significantly. take today, for example, my students were a lil bit difficult to deal with and i was all acting like i kinda didn't care (i really didn't know what to say considering they probably wouldn't understand). i'm very tired. trying to recover from last week's trips. ....
hmm, days are getting less tolerable. the time passes faster, i've noticed. i can't really say how i feel without sounding completely disconcerting to some.

my ideas for topics to teach and games to play are nearly exhausted.

Too back and blue

gone for while, i think. shit's happened. my week off was generally uneventful and the moment i anticipated for so long was, like.......a little bit of a let down. at least i didn't have to work. some of my students supposedly missed me, but they didn't really show it.
ugh. i want to go home, to my real home..although there are problems there, too. seems like everywhere i go i get obscenely unhappy/disappointed within an extended period of time. i think i'm starting to constantly look sad. i find myself dreaming of other (better) places like i used to: staring out windows and wondering. goddamn.

when i do get back to america, to fucking california, i swear i'mma eat some delicious things regardless of what it originally came from. but i promise to stop before school and dally with the idea of veganism (however, i quite adore leather...). speaking of real, my future pending school, i have decided to ucla. it mostly pains me to say that; i feel like such a part of the majority..to justify my decision i have to admit that it seriously is the best school for my major (and the cheapest and the easiest to get into considering the other top choices were mit, caltech, and nyu--none of which i dared to apply to). i'm mostly concerned with where i'mma be living; there is no way in fucking hell i want to dorm. no way. it's so expensive around there. eeesh.

tangentially, i want to show what i've been currently obsessing over: two tone leggings--opaque and sheer à la AA and OC.
i think the obvious purchasing choice would be american apparel, plus, i like the contrast with that one better. and after seeing this one picture of lily allen i totally want to expose my ass this summer. or...this year. i seriously want to showcase that feature since i've always kinda figured my bum was awesome. like, something i've actually been proud of other than my hands. god, i miss dressing nice. i feel if i pull any of that shit here i'll be eyed in ways that will give me even more nightmares. i don't want no attention from the guys here. no.
lastly, i have found that i have been listening to music that sounds as if it could be played in the background of a porno. porno soundtrack-ish music. i loves it like this



and that.

The let down !! exasperation

bejeebus. everyday this week has started out fairly well, it gets a good climax, but the denouement is shits. i come home all in high spirits and the culmination of the day ends up dashed. god. it fucking pisses me off. 'm seriously starting to think about what i'll end up doing in the next three months. i really have no intention of staying here longer...then i think about the cash i'll be making and the little kids that i've really grown attached to.
i used to really, really, really kinda dislike children/feel extremely awkward around them (especially telling them to do something). not so much now. i could probably handle real american, english speaking kids. maybe.

i'm thinking about real school, for me, and i want to finish the damn thing. i'll be free to do more wandering around the world, possibly making more money. i don't know...friday for sure, i'll have all the information i need to make a gooood decision. korea's been treating me like a third rate bitch so far. i've been fucked over too many times.
excited for a potential WEEK off of work. excited, though not necessarily pleased.

It's not an ok good time yet, raring to GO

hahahaha. it really feels like friday. i seriously mixed up my days this week; everything felt so damn topsy turvy. i have one more day to go! arrrrrggg. that's my impression of an angry, upset pirate. i really like how this week started like shit and it ended like the a field of roses. It looks and smells nice, but it's thorny..my analogies are horrid, it's the result of a lack of good english literature classes/reading.
i also have an extreme crush on spanish guys. like Andrés Velencoso. it's because of this:



my eyes fell out when i saw it for the first time.
this really makes me want to go to spain.
......

the Calm before a storm, badness on the Rise

it was surprising that today was actually really, really nice. i had to teach kindergarten mostly by myself (trying to quiet down and keep the interest of thirty kids under 6 is daunting in any respect, i think), but i survived! it's actually me conjuring up this post to surmise my day, as far as you know. second grade was easier to handle; three students from the usual 10-12 since we split the classes like it was supposed to be. although, trying to teach bingo is a very difficult task...and fourth grade! new student! forever bingo part 2 with no winners.

I really don't want to be evaluated tomorrow. It's seriously too much pressure..but it'll be over in a jiffy, probably and depending on how long the principal and vice principal stay to watch me , and i'll look back and laugh at how much anxiety i thought i had at the time.

i've come to realize that, despite it all, i adore the children. yeah, i definitely have favorites (i think all the little boys with glasses are absolutely tops..maybe i sympathize the fact they have poor eyesight, but i've always had a fondness for people with glasses); i think the 금반 kindergarteners are my all time faves..maybe tied with the kindergarteners and some second graders at 안의...i totally think there's a second grader who likes me too much...i mean, he's jumped on me, scared me nearly shitless (the sneak-behind-your-target-and-yell-when-he/she-turns-around tactic was employed), and always want to do the dancing singing activities with me. if another kid tried to intervene and do anything with me he gets kinda violent (ie: kicking). and he resembles jonathan taylor thomas. a little.
i would have to say the only aspect of life here i really can't stand is...where i'm situated and sometimes the food. it's interesting how i find that i'm not really as lonely as usual. at least..i think i'm not as lonely. on the outside?

Mmm, talk science to me

home weekend! i'm surprised i don't get extremely bored..i guess because i found this. I didn't know he was a guy from harry and the potters--i mean, i had heard of the band, maybe listened to a few songs in high school...however it weren't nothing i was crazy about (amusing, yes). Now i have an obscene crush on scientists, namely those in the field of physics (there is a connection!)...i remember those olden days in the lab and playing with magnets. Seriously, science stuff is in my blood, but it's not the main component of my being, to the disappointment of my parents.

In other unrelated browsing news: NIPPLE BUTTER!

I know it's supposed to be for ladies who are breast feeding and get chapped/irritated around that area..there are reviews here praising it's multi-usefulness.

fucking hilarious.
that's not the clip i wanted, but it was the best quality for what i wanted to exemplify. i was looking for one with lois showing her boobs to brian and talking about the afflictions.

OK, tmi-time: I occasionally get itchy and dry nipples. It started in high school, i think, and i couldn't find a good remedy to soothe them until i started using the palmer's cocoa butter. it smells delicious btw. nowadays my nips aren't dry, but if they start to i'd really like to try this.