Long Ago, but Far Away

First, I feel like an idiot for going on hiatus for YEARS. Not even a month or two, but fucking years. It's true I have been busy, even now this is the first time I've had the chance to breath and catch up on my existence in nearly two years. I've had to transition into the realm of a working adult and it is absolute hell. Money is nice, but it's not enough for what one goes through.
It was weird because I was thinkng about this blog, so I went and read my older posts. I remember fawning over British "indie" bands and my nonexistent, unrequited infatuation with Alex Turner. That recording of TLSP gave me the chills. He is still quite the cute musician with his long hair and swinging 60s style. I'm at a point in my life where I don't know anything about new music trends. My ears gravitate towards podcasts about history and strife, interconnecting the then and now and why we keep repeating ourselves. If you're at all interested in that, please do check out NPR's Throughline
It's so surreal to be back in Korea, to live here, after my inital part-time job a fucking decade ago. Even reading about that part where I admitted my feelings towards the friends that I made abroad and how I would eventually cease to remain in their consciousness... It really makes me wish having friends. On the bright side, I got in touch with someone from back then. So now life isn't completely lonely. It's just soul-crushingly stressful.
I hope to remember to occasionally make a sardonic and irreverent post from now on. I honestly believe this was the pinnacle of my nonsensical, contrived writing phase and I can't get enough of it. I miss writing. I miss quipping. I long to string nonsensical ideas and daily events together.
Oh yeah.

experience the retrospective

after finally returning to cali....all the excitement i've harbored for the last five or so months, anticipating eating burritos and in n out, it's been a little of a let down. well, it wasn't as spectacular as i led myself to believe--it was just like an ordinary day, like just going home after spending a night/week away; no time seemed to have passed. i just didn't feel any significance, really, and i have to admit the last two times i returned to the u.s. after living abroad for extended times, I cried when i when i finally got past all the customs stuff and saw all the people waiting..and my family. i don't know if it's because i'm older and i have a different relationship/view of my parents or...well, my main speculation is the fact that i was leaving the people that i had gotten so close too; deep down inside, i was sure we'd never really talk to each other the same way nor would i see them (not as often in some instances). i'd miss these people more that anything, even if a few of them upset my in ways i could never fathom in reality (no..i don't think i suck giant cocks...well, maybe not four years ago). i think this time around i didn't come back with any of them on the same plane so...there was no emotion knowing i'd be leaving people i'd actually gotten close to. i was close to tears, i have to admit, but none of them flowed.

back to the main reason of this post: what was life in korea LIKE?? i sense you're dying to know and imma be honest with you...when i first got notified i got accepted into this this i was all, "Shit. What the fucking hell have i gotten myself into??" I can explain. See...i have some issues with a select few koreans and the language has plagued me since my youth (read here for a refresher on my early years). and when i got there..whoooo. it was like reliving the cliques from school and church and, yeah, i couldn't find myself fitting in with any particular group (well, i made friends the first day, but they ended up in different groups and i was long forgotten and i never really saw/talked to them again until the end of orientation in feb...even then,i didn't end up talking to most of them at all). i just wasn't into those kinda people i was so goddamn sick of seeing the same kinda drones, in the korean american sense, that haven't been the nicest of people in my experience.

that was a hard time for me since i was quite excited to meet people i'd enjoy hanging around and maybe visit throughout my time in korea. that might get discussed later.


hm, moving on. when i got to hamyang...it was all right. i really was expecting much, much more worse, like, totally out in the middle of nowhere and farms everywhere (ok, that last part wasn't an exaggeration). and, honestly, i felt out of place when i met some of the other teachers there. and, yeah, it got really, really, really awkward about a month in so...i kinda basically committed social suicide for yet again. at the beginning i couldn't stand how the older people walked in the middle of the sidewalk, creating a nearly impossible labyrinth to maneuver through to get anywhere. i can't even begin to describe the smells. it became apparent in the spring and escalated to atrociousness in the summer. it was madness (but not sparta).


my school life? how was that? yes, it was wonderful learning i'd have to teach at three different schools all within thirty minutes from where i lived.



i was expecting only one, but, gosh, i felt so honored knowing i had to sacrifice a strong relationship with my kids to teach english on alternating days (there were times when these students lashed out, mostly inappropriately, when they discovered the other schools i frequented). it was a WONDERFUL surprise to discover my korean scholar helper had quit on me so I was gonna have to teach and discipline (yeah..none of that really went on) alone. written sarcasm is wonderfully subtle, no? the point i'm trying to make--besides being bombed with the news of having to go to three different place, two once a week--is i never really got to know my students and ..i really wanted to; i thought that was one of the greater positive aspects of this program-which-shall-not-be-named-here. english learning is great and all, but i wanted to leave a nice impression on the kids--i swear i just learned the names of my fourth graders at my main school (well, some second graders, too). the times where i didn't have sufficient teaching materials...or arrived unprepared. oh, the improvisations i made! enough about work and school--hahahaha it's the same thing! i never would have imagined--other aspects of interest occurring in my six months away:
i met my other family i haven't seen in ages. i was barraged with the "do you have a boyfriend?" question and accused of being FAT. the latter was particularly nice to hear from a cousin i last saw as a baby. i kept my cool and took the opportunity to actually get to know them and at times feign an interest or reaction signifying i had learned something interesting/i had never heard before.so, i'll definitely be back to attend my older cousins' weddings, which i hope will happen soon to at least one of them...who's a girl.
to be fatally honest, i shed tears countless times. on the bus, at home, at other people's homes, on the train in seoul, in restrooms...basically everywhere. it wasn't just that i didn't like it there, realizing that all my speculations had come true; i gained a total awareness of the situation and MY LIFE. crazy. i couldn't believe it either at the time. acceptable catharsis time.
aside from all the events i've construed as awful about this overseas occupavation--occupation vacay!--(poignantly those occurring in april, june, and july) this was a good time for me to learn about korea, the not-so-scary-holier-than-thou-seeming side i'd been so accustomed to. seriously, i know nothing beyond k-pop (not even that much) and cute stationery (like japan rip-offs, but still cute nonetheless). i got crazy amounts of history and language and culture thrown at me, it's a shame my head didn't explode.


i remember way back in march, i'm sure it was then, when another english teacher in hamyang asked what i liked about korea. i replied, "I don't know" and went on a mini spiel about how i really didn't like most/any aspects of korea (how would you feel about it if you grew up going to flip parties and witnessing your only 이모 living in the u.s. stress all educational aspects on your once happy cousins). but. i can attest to a few things i found enjoyable during my time there. i grew to like bus rides, my absolute favorite route was on fridays 4:30 or 5:00 PM from Anui to Hamyang. it signified the beginning of the weekend where i could get out of town (i swear, i spent maybe two, three weekends tops, in hamyang and it wasn't great fun...i mostly slept). those were definitely the most relaxing rides. i also liked taking buses that ushered me out of hamyang, back to civilization i had been introduced to upon my arrival (it really wasn't as glamorous as i thought it might be, but what was i expecting anyway?). i also developed an adoration for all the greenery. forestry and mountains--everything reminded me of totoro. it was pleasant to witness that sort of nature.


the combination of bus rides & seeing all the green was splendiferous, i tried to relish it all before i reached my destination. those were the best times i had that i can share with you without revealing all the intimate, often unwantedly surprising, smut i succumbed to. not all of it was heinous. most of it was, but, like i said, i'm not getting into that stuff. not here at least.
and i believe cristal was a godsend. i never told her this, yet intended to in a heartfelt letter, but she was like an older sister to me. we had things in common and were a little similar and the greatest part was she could understand everything i said. i had someone to talk to at work, to bring up my problems and to discuss hers--it was a educational friendship match for the ages. when i return to korea, for that wedding, you know, i vow to visit her (gosh, in anui??). i miss our talks and simultaneous stares of bewilderment when we didn't quite understand the korean spoken at us. hahaha, that was fun..bearable times.

i guess i've vented a little. i want to finish this up. so. maybe you're thinking, "well, i really just wanted this girl to give one word to surmise her feeling, being back in l.a. and all." right. i'mma give it to you: relief. past tense if you know what's good for you.
here's some cream to further express my sentiments.

ok. so this program wasn't the best thing i ever done. i can't exactly call it out, but it's easy to tell which one it is. i'm not saying you shouldn't apply, not everyone grew up like me with vague knowledge of these things that make a harrowing impression. you might be a lucky one who actually has a good time all the time. i can't stress enough how much i felt so...

Relating to an absent person

let's calculate: 140 days in korea. fathomable? yes. enjoyable? not entirely. everything feels so nostalgic and it triggers the trauma i've inadvertently harbored all these years.
it's all on me, isn't it? i've made it what it is, the intolerable days that go by (a lot easier to stand now) and the social suicide i've committed (not as prevalent, but still). hm. i make for a miserable existence.

anyway, there is concern for me from others, especially about looking like i should be in the sense of my age and my intentions. i understand what's meant, but doing that here?? questionable beyond reason. it's not like i want that attention..all the time or here, for that matter. this sounds ridiculous déjà vu. if you care to backtrack, please do and tell me i've said everything already.
from my recent readings...and film viewings on the youtube i have concluded (at least for me) death to be a romanticized aspect of life while love...oh, this absent, seemingly easy ritual of being--it's illusory and elusive and malignant. It won't ever arrive, will it? that isn't what i meant to say, i merely forgot the realization i made before. yet. i know that deep down inside, even before i read pere goriot, i never showed my love. BALZAC!!! why did you have to solidify my suspicions? this runs deep; i may never display affection or admiration blatantly. i fear relationships parallel to my parents. this cannot be. i don't want it to ever be.

actions to take place: risks, good deeds, some form of whatever included in love's realm with someone i share an undeniable & star cross'd affinity with (yes, there needs to be attraction on at least three levels).
isn't this a silly trifle.

boobs are the national symbol of power in my country. Not South Korea.

i am here in hamyang. a small, unexciting from my experience thus far, and generally older people populated ville. i found out this week that i must teach at three different schools. oh. what. the fuck. i really wish they had informed me earlier, like when i found out where i would be going. i shoulda given a preference as to where i wanted to be situated (like actual civilization and my family in those places). but. what's done is done and will be here until the end of july. if i really think about, i can't even begin to fathom how i'll survive here. i'm sooo relieved i'm not living in this town alone and that the people from the program are fluently korean. i'm still working on my basic talking and understanding skills--honestly, i know nothing!
i'll be starting to teach on mon. anxious more than excited. there are so many things i don't know that i need to know before i go in a room with little kids who will barely understand what i'm saying...

anyway, back to the basic practices of this blog:


this is the view from my apt. i like the cloudy mountain feature, it's asianically cinematic..kinda.
even though i've been in south korea for over a month, it still doesn't feel like i'm in korea. it's difficult to explain; it's as if i'm in an alternate universe that brings me back to my childhood...when i was with my mom and other koreans...usually in a religious or familial setting. except this time she's not here to explain and, uh, defend, in a way. oh mans. there have been numerous odd occurrences. some of them are a result of word mix ups. hm. it's just...a distantly familiar feeling.

out. On Your own.

totally irrelevant to what i want to talk about, but this scares/entertains/induces hunger for/disgusts me. tiwyf. there is stuff on there that defies all laws applicable to food construction and consumption. i want to try some though...

anyways! i'm finally settling down in hamyang and the elementary school where i will be teaching. my little studio apartment is nice and clean, yet void of real food and some appliances. it's homey. a little lonely sometimes (although i guess i can hang out with jeehyo) ...and i totally need to get more groceries.
so, my school. what to say? the majority of the staff (by which i mean "with the exception of one") is korean speaking/writing/etc. exclusive. that really makes me feel like the odd thing out and kinda makes me want to learn korean proficiently, more comprehension and speaking--grammar and vocabulary, methinks. the best parts, however, have been meeting another english teacher. she's filipina! and speaks korean rather well (another kick in the pants to get motivated for hangul learning)! but today is her last day.....no worries, though, a new one is arriving next week. i'm hoping/sensing she'll be nice too.

i'll be needing to take pictures. and since everyone has been hounding me with this--i'll be scouting out for possible boyfriends. i don't know, maybe my standards are too high...(i'm disappointed with news i've unearthed *routine sigh*)but i'mma keep looking.

so, you be foreign

i've been sullen for most of the day, but i really think it started yesterday a little bit. i guess the person i thought to be my new best friend for this whole thing decided to hang out with another group..i can't blame her entirely since we were segregated into new groups (of course i was in the smallest one) to do a picture-scavenger hunt of sorts. it was japan '06 all over again. i'm not surprised, a little disappointed, though, that people here are sticking to their general cliques. for me it's annoying and disgusting and..maybe because i've been a loner for a while now (mostly by choice) and i find socializing an empty, fearful response. mm, terrible aren't i? well, i don't totally ignore people and depending on the situation (ie: someone or some subject is worth my words) i'll be more than willing to strike up that forced conversation.
this will probably sound ridiculous, but i had no idea there were koreans in new zealand. that's ignorance on my part isn't it? i mean, i was sure they/we are everywhere, but it's not the first place that comes to my mind. the funny thing is, i'm starting to develop a muddled accent of sorts. it changes whenever i'm around others who have one.

causes of concern: so long for 6

today is post-worthy! for some odd reason i woke up around three AM, unable to sleep (i tossed and turned distraught over thoughts of slender man...), finally deciding to watch old simpsons treehouse of horror episodes.


i fell asleep on the third one...had no idea that today would reall, truly bear news of intrigue, excitement, and general horror. by the end of the month i will no longer be wasting away in this shit-ridden, overeating with chemically enhanced foodstuffs, water-wasting, mostly education ignoring country! ok, this news came about around 8 or so when i thought, "what the hell, i'll go online." checking my email i come across this congratulations deal and ... that's how it went down. oh my god. my initial reaction was nonchalant and kinda glad i got it, but it hit home hard when i realised what this job meant..i am fucking apprehensive, terrified, and generally aroused, not sexually.