Death Race of Modern life

with all the minutely frustrating events going on in my life, i find it odd for me to realize i'm a bad person. not bad in all sense of the word, but, like, making everything appear horrid to the extreme. i'll try not to exaggerate the aggravations. try.
so, im getting used to this loneliness. it's the inevitable. been like this for a while and...ehh. not just that it's easier to deal with, but it's a state i've been in for the longest time, throughout my life, which makes a little sense if you know my persoal history. hmm. what i can't figure out--it just doesn't make sense that i'd be this way considering where i come from (and, no, i'm not referencing my midwest days). polar opposite? The continuing divergence i strive for in every way possible?

it's finally getting unbearably warm. i'm looking forward to getting brown like usual. i really want to color up (responsibly) before i head back home. i knew i was gonna ghost up here; it looks so unhealthy...and i've been involved in these discussions about whiteness and i've been disturbed by the lengths some people (women) go to in order to shield themselves from the sun.
here's how i envision my summer to sound like.

so, you be foreign

i've been sullen for most of the day, but i really think it started yesterday a little bit. i guess the person i thought to be my new best friend for this whole thing decided to hang out with another group..i can't blame her entirely since we were segregated into new groups (of course i was in the smallest one) to do a picture-scavenger hunt of sorts. it was japan '06 all over again. i'm not surprised, a little disappointed, though, that people here are sticking to their general cliques. for me it's annoying and disgusting and..maybe because i've been a loner for a while now (mostly by choice) and i find socializing an empty, fearful response. mm, terrible aren't i? well, i don't totally ignore people and depending on the situation (ie: someone or some subject is worth my words) i'll be more than willing to strike up that forced conversation.
this will probably sound ridiculous, but i had no idea there were koreans in new zealand. that's ignorance on my part isn't it? i mean, i was sure they/we are everywhere, but it's not the first place that comes to my mind. the funny thing is, i'm starting to develop a muddled accent of sorts. it changes whenever i'm around others who have one.