a successful failure.

lemme take a moment and explain this quality of constant wistfulness. i'm recently realizing, amid my vivid analogies, how much of an enigma i am. or..the void of identity i associate with. perhaps it's just me being mopey. perhaps. it's not empty anymore, nowadays, like, it's just constantly pondering/asking/obsessing over "why?what of where to go and what to do.
i have no intention of being philosophical (have you been traumatized by logic under the guise of socrates? no?). I tend to be thinking what to do now, later, if i could conjure up a time machine and go back to me in the '90s. i'm in a state of wondering.
totally separate from other things going on/i instigated. it's mostly good ol' nostalgia from living in a house with a basement and a cherry tree in the backyard--somewhere i had ambition to be great, guys giving me their self-drawn self-portraits willingly, an idea of what was real.

the pre-coup sensation

i know i haven't been contributing lately. it's not that i don't want to, there is an odd group that must chance on seeing this thing every so often, but i'm getting really caught up in an overwhelming world where i lose sense of time and i'm tired and spaced out. i missed a class today because i totally couldn't comprehend my schedule and what, exactly, i should've been doing after taking that harrowing and demoralizing japanese test.


there isn't much to say. i feel uncouth and disheartened. i need to pile up these feelings. then i can totally be cathartic all at once and save some much needed time to do some research or whatever. much has occurred, as you can prolly infer from my exasperation and harried accounts of recent activities. i don't understand why i'm so indecisive. it might not be the best option in the short term, but there's an off chance that i'll be better off in the future.

i'm not talking about people here. it's a bit of a generalization, i suppose.

Start the Day off, right?

welcome to 2011. in about seven months this blog will be roughly five years old. expect b-day party invites in your emails. and yes, my education establishment has started. this morning, no less!

i'm not lying, i don't do it with people i just meet (for any of y'alls sneaking in for the first time; that's what she said..is that still relevant? is 2011 still gonna keep tastelessness like that? i'm not gonna judge, it makes the high school me titter with ), and i'm not lying now: today was crazy. i mean, hectic. my first mistake was taking a shower this morning, basically an hour before i had to jet to class. my hair would not dry. i knew this. and ultimately i was late.
ok. italian class was...surprising? the teacher got switched or something to this white guy who i take to be...not italian at all (his name is a giveaway). it was crazy--only italian flowed from his mouth the second he arrived and we were all, "oh my god, WUT!" it was so abnormal when he broke out the english at the end of class to explain some general stuff. he has glasses and wears vans. uhhh, what am i thinking?
the class i was deathly afraid of came rolling around. there is so much recent history i have to spew about the fear for this class! so much, there's gotta be a straight-to-dvd "based on the true story" thing to explain it--look for it sometime at the end of this month. i got by 'cuz the real shit doesn't start today and i avoided a test because i was a dumbass when it came to registering (...i'm SO relieved i don't have to go through with that oral). ok.
i basically stayed at school for almost ten hours? it was a looong ass day, mans. i hardly had anything to eat, yo. and it was kinda cold. i realize that i have a ton of reviewing in order. gosh damn. if the rest of the week goes this smoothly...

book buying is fucking ridiculous.

still thinking about my italian prof. who'll i'll be seeing five days a week. for the next ten weeks.
and once on a saturday.

In the vicinity of Eleven

so! in retrospect, this was probably a pretty shit year. again. maybe not as disturbing as 2007, but, from my recollection, it's among the shittiest. top three, maybe? i'm thinking it had a lot to do with what i (wasn't) doing and my first time doing things (so, so disappointing. surprised i didn't die from embarrassment). to get into specifics would be tedious, not worth a read. an imagination, sure. leaving the oh-ten at that.

looking ahead,i sure as hell want to either end this frustrating, continuous shit or grow whatever the female equivalent of cajones are (giant, estrogen pumping ovaries?). my initial indecisiveness is getting the better of me and all reasoning thus far calls for the former.
i know i want to list all too specific resolutions that i stick to as much as my willingness to "better myself" tempts me. last year turned out to be a fiasco as i left for someplace where i had basically no control. ehh. i'm up for trying this time around. aside from continuing with last year's piff, i want to get this out of the way as well: attaining a guy. Why is it so elusive? Was that number/muscle-y self portrait combo the best thing that ever happened to me? god, and i lost it, too.

hoping to get more depressed, my number one priority.

the penultimate wave

my break time is nearly terminated. i spent the majority of it stuffing my face with things i don't normally ingest. regrettable. i also learned to lower my expectations, but, my god, i wasn't prepared for the experience to trump my lowest anticipation. it was funny how i thought of what i was really in for on the day everything started. and the fact that i dismissed the fact of whatever it was. great.
the next time that happens i wonder who'll be with the kids, if all goes according to plan.

I've been a villain. My name's on the NAUGHTY list.

It is xmas eve, y'alls. i can't remember what i was doing last year (supposing it wasn't the greatest in a while). i don't think i'll be treasuring this year any much. i guess the only thing that isn't making me feel any more the upset is knowing that this can't possibly be the lamest anyone else i know is experiencing. ah, i think that makes sense if i read it back. waiting, if i survive, for next year to roll around.

oh my god, it's so short.
and..that's what i said.

of context. You must accept!

i know i was a little harsh the last time i was on here (it's reality!), but now is a time to reflect..more positively like cations. do i want to feel better, like i've actually done things comparable to successful events, regardless of their level of accomplishment? there will be base, base milestones listed so, don't get your hopes up; there won't be a mention on the status of "three bitches in dublin" or usuki clan t-shirts for sale (ah, maybe wait a few more months and they'll be ready for all your memorabilia pleasure!).

no order, just whatever comes to mind that made me feel good after i did them.

-blowing a bubblegum bubble

-tying my shoelaces (aha! no more velcro, but this was before the advent of slip-ons crossed my mind)

-getting my driver's license. seriously, you have no idea what kind of shit i went through to get this thing.

-getting used to the dark. monsters lurk elsewhere.

-graduating high school !

-surviving being teacher

ah, ummmm, there aren't anymore. or, at least anything that comes remotely to mind.
still trying to ride this distracting, happy high: check out these snacks i got!



this is like that one time i talked about my fave ice cream at the time and those mini, fake chicken legs. i thought that these things would be sweeter, but they turned out to be rather...a little more savory to my liking. so cute, no?? i adored the penguin and isn't it funny how the leopard looks like it has multi-eye action going on?? the cock is also a nice mentionable laugh, i couldn't believe they put that on a cracker. for kids. the monkey on the box...so hilarious.