In the vicinity of Eleven

so! in retrospect, this was probably a pretty shit year. again. maybe not as disturbing as 2007, but, from my recollection, it's among the shittiest. top three, maybe? i'm thinking it had a lot to do with what i (wasn't) doing and my first time doing things (so, so disappointing. surprised i didn't die from embarrassment). to get into specifics would be tedious, not worth a read. an imagination, sure. leaving the oh-ten at that.

looking ahead,i sure as hell want to either end this frustrating, continuous shit or grow whatever the female equivalent of cajones are (giant, estrogen pumping ovaries?). my initial indecisiveness is getting the better of me and all reasoning thus far calls for the former.
i know i want to list all too specific resolutions that i stick to as much as my willingness to "better myself" tempts me. last year turned out to be a fiasco as i left for someplace where i had basically no control. ehh. i'm up for trying this time around. aside from continuing with last year's piff, i want to get this out of the way as well: attaining a guy. Why is it so elusive? Was that number/muscle-y self portrait combo the best thing that ever happened to me? god, and i lost it, too.

hoping to get more depressed, my number one priority.

the penultimate wave

my break time is nearly terminated. i spent the majority of it stuffing my face with things i don't normally ingest. regrettable. i also learned to lower my expectations, but, my god, i wasn't prepared for the experience to trump my lowest anticipation. it was funny how i thought of what i was really in for on the day everything started. and the fact that i dismissed the fact of whatever it was. great.
the next time that happens i wonder who'll be with the kids, if all goes according to plan.

I've been a villain. My name's on the NAUGHTY list.

It is xmas eve, y'alls. i can't remember what i was doing last year (supposing it wasn't the greatest in a while). i don't think i'll be treasuring this year any much. i guess the only thing that isn't making me feel any more the upset is knowing that this can't possibly be the lamest anyone else i know is experiencing. ah, i think that makes sense if i read it back. waiting, if i survive, for next year to roll around.

oh my god, it's so short.
and..that's what i said.

of context. You must accept!

i know i was a little harsh the last time i was on here (it's reality!), but now is a time to reflect..more positively like cations. do i want to feel better, like i've actually done things comparable to successful events, regardless of their level of accomplishment? there will be base, base milestones listed so, don't get your hopes up; there won't be a mention on the status of "three bitches in dublin" or usuki clan t-shirts for sale (ah, maybe wait a few more months and they'll be ready for all your memorabilia pleasure!).

no order, just whatever comes to mind that made me feel good after i did them.

-blowing a bubblegum bubble

-tying my shoelaces (aha! no more velcro, but this was before the advent of slip-ons crossed my mind)

-getting my driver's license. seriously, you have no idea what kind of shit i went through to get this thing.

-getting used to the dark. monsters lurk elsewhere.

-graduating high school !

-surviving being teacher

ah, ummmm, there aren't anymore. or, at least anything that comes remotely to mind.
still trying to ride this distracting, happy high: check out these snacks i got!



this is like that one time i talked about my fave ice cream at the time and those mini, fake chicken legs. i thought that these things would be sweeter, but they turned out to be rather...a little more savory to my liking. so cute, no?? i adored the penguin and isn't it funny how the leopard looks like it has multi-eye action going on?? the cock is also a nice mentionable laugh, i couldn't believe they put that on a cracker. for kids. the monkey on the box...so hilarious.

It's beginning to look a lot like..failure

since i'm failing in school right now (unintentionally for the first time! it was supposed to really matter! ugh~i'm trying, too!), i don't feel at all positive. there's too much pressure riding on me/this; all these people, some of who i don't even know that well and have made me their honorary "adopted" daughter (why do the majority of my parents' friends have sons? re: deadline for marriage/babies). overwhelming!
at least i'm 2/3 done with my finals. they weren't horrible to take, but the overall accumulation of "work" i've submitted will ultimately be my downfall.
sometimes i wish i went to art school. like, the one in sf or something; they always used to send me stuff about what was being offered, why it was ok to go there...etc. all the more fueling my case for an oh-7 reepeat.

oh, i should take all this into my own hands and at least be pleased with what i'm fucking up.

holly jolly heat waves!

hullloo december! i'm desperate to break out sweaters and scarves and boots and other woolly apparel, but the weather is pms-ing, going all crazy, fluctuating like an ocd on crack. that's the best analogy i can think of that stills maintains resonance and relevance. i've seriously come to dislike this time of year. it's the end, it don't feel like it should, and these goddamn christmas songs. i really don't like to hear those melodies in december, i find it base and have rightly connected them to the mind controlling higher-ups who've taken commercializing to a different stratosphere. maybe it's just me..for the past few years the lines between thanksgiving and christmas have blurred into a gradient not unlike those seen in the works of rothko. i'm getting ahead of myself; it's the realization that i've accomplished so little this year, as before, and i'm not doing ANYTHING. can you relate? i feel as if i ain't oing anywhere and this whole back-to-school stint as a student is seriously not cutting it for me.