Makes Fonder

january certainly is a long month. i've even been busy with actually things which usually entails the sensation of time flying by (and it has in certain situations), but it's still january. at least the year is starting out well. i'm doing things and being old! it's more responsible than normal. i think it's surprising i've made three posts this month.
until recently, i was quite sure about how i felt and where things would go. then i did something kind of crazy that, well, it didn't exactly fuck up my life, but it created complications. what happened this past weekend: critical information was revealed! there was serious talking. i had my socks shocked off (literally)! at one point i wished for a time machine. now i'm confused and very sad. the entire experience was amazing, it was everything i wanted to know and to some extent do...it's just so late. i don't know what's going to happen. i know what i'd like to do. of course i could go on and on about this, it's seriously major, and it's actually a good news sort of thing, however more fitting for an elaborating of the written kind.

breaking

i truly miss the days when i would simply write on and on about irrelevant topics usually reflecting on my day and such. Most time there was absolutely no continuity between whatever I was typing up. God and the ambiguity I tried to keep up. I like to believe that it worked anyway. There was actually a time when no one dared to look at, let alone read, anything that was posted here. Yet here we are.
honestly,there is no reason to keep this blog up. its original purpose has been lost amidst all the mopey shit and semi-sequitur things that have gone on in the last six(!!) years. there is uncertainty as to whether this will continue; certainly those who have glanced at this bit of work have noticed the decline in writings with poignant content. well, in any case, i still want to keep it up to date with a few happenings.
something i've noticed over as the weeks have gone by is the frequency of odd and frightening dreams drempt. i wake up believing they are real and my emotions range from fear to anger. mostly limited to those two. and it's so odd; these dreams only occur the second time i've fallen back asleep. you know like when you wake up really early, maybe three or four, and then fall into slumber again after a minute? that's when the darkest thoughts creep out and manifest themselves in mental visions. at least for me. it is a very scary thing.
in any discernible case, this is a dribble of no nonsense suitable for people to consider. and i'm not feeling particularly great. it's very lonely here. lonely like when you're surrounded by others, but there isn't a connection with anything.i only wish this were longer.

the difficulties

recently, i have been having the worst time trying to fall asleep at night. i would say this started in the summer, probably due to...ehm, the most stressful events ever, and here i am months later, suffering the fallout. urrrgh. two nights ago was the most dreadful as of late; tossing and turning in the dark occurred whilst i hoped closing my eyes would make me nod off. well, that clearly didn't work. it took me hours to find a comfortable position and tired enough to let the day go. the possibility of me having problems, mentally/physically, is great, do you not think?
and there's the trouble that comes when i do sleep: these dreams.
dreams of pure horror and unimaginable ecstasy (re: this and sometimes my other dog, but mostly this) which often collide into a scary, unappealing adventure in my subconscious.
these are things i do not understand. hoping these become more infrequent.

of my Dreams

i always hoped to find the great love of my life in a haphazard fashion, some silly scenario where i trip, fall, and get helped by a mysterious person who asks, "Are you All Right?" and we share a happy life for however long it lasts.
yes, it's silly. No, nothing of that sort has ever happened (crossing my fingers it does). this brings me to the actual subject of this shindig. i apologize for implying i plan to run around in the streets, falling on my face to get anyone to help me (a tall man, exclusively from northern england or scotland). these nights have been filled with odd dreams. i haven't experienced any of this sort in over ten years. and you know david tennant? he was the tenth doctor on doctor who and i think he's quite attractive for an older man and the only reason i knew who he was was because he had just finished a tour of hamlet with patrick stewart whilst i had been in england. anyway, i never watched doctor who, ever, but i did like david tennant before i started and kept this picture to gaze upon.

what i mean to say is a few of my dreams have revolved around me and the doctor. the last two recent doctors (oh! the things the 11th doctor did to me! utterly not at all very horrible). i think it's because of all the doctor who i have watched, aliens and time travel and stuff on the brain make me want to act them out in my dreams.
that's my analysis.
i can't believe he's scottish. and he married his "daughter"!!!

Showers for fools

Some important news:

-moving to geneva next week
-pregnant with my frapanese scotsman's baby
-dropping out
-set for life

-yeahh

hahahaa, it's fish day.

and other interests at the moment:
these things...

*this vid


*this song
here

*this place

I want to walk under that canopy of wisteria, hand-in-hand with my frapanese scotsman, imagining it's an 18^th century romance novel by some lovelorn, lonely English woman.