verbal punches!

Weakdays

2012-01-25T21:27:00.000-08:00

There was something unsettling in the lecture hall this afternoon. Besides watching that video with that guy getting beaten..oh, what was it? maybe that was what it was.

and it was major raining.
i LURVED it. today would have turned out super better if only i got wet more.
Like that one time when my thighs got soaked. Mmmmm.

So, this is actually what I think I meant for the last post. Wait.
This is exactly what I meant last time. it's in a book so you know these things are real, other people experience it too.

i'm not alone.

yeah, all right. whilst browsing the grand ol' internets i found this shirt.

and i would totally wear it. specious. illogical.
most of the sizes were sold out as indicated in my little image there.
but i'd still wear it.

Leave me want in MOR

2012-01-22T20:43:00.000-08:00

This is a dilemma. Why do these yearnings happen to me in the most inopportune times? For the most inappropriate people?

This is probably the third person I've developed feelings for in this manner. The original impression is one of grotesque repulsion..that morphs into a sense of pity and...ridiculous wanting. Very, very, very dumb desire.
I'm a little eager to be ending up alone.
And concerned about how quickly I make irrational judgments.

Also, I am obsessed with this right now: Movies re-imagined for another time and place. Leonard Nimoy as John McClane and Trainspotting directed by Godard? YES.

I'm in the process of developing a time altering or traveling apparatus to make this shit happen.

If you're into it

2012-01-08T22:22:00.000-08:00

current obsessions:

)the vaccines-wetsuit

)this 'musician'

Taragana Pyjarama. His name makes me think of tarragon pajamas. Additionally, he is quite cute.

)old-timey sex

)campy underwear (courtesy of victoria's secret which i only ventured into because i was sent a gift card that i did not want to put to waste).

When does one don a thing such as this? I was seriously attracted to the sparkly, pink hearts.

i could use a less offensive brassiere, though, in a blindingly neon colour or with some other ridiculous all-over print.

that's about the limit to my excitement so far. yeeeaaahh.

happy New Year, to you

2012-01-01T18:35:00.001-08:00

you've got new stuff to do:
lose some weight, keep eye contact,
teach some cats to say, "moo".

it's now 2012.

final toasts

2011-12-31T20:27:00.000-08:00

it's the end of the year! as you can see i'm celebrating élégamment with champagne and a nostalgic, somewhat anger-inducing drink. très classy, for sure. i'll probably go out on the balcony and reflect my life thus far.
any hopes for the upcoming, like, expecting anything spectacular?? i know i'm ...not, particularly.

yay

2011-12-30T19:51:00.001-08:00

the last friday of the year. this evening should be dedicated to parties. serious parties.

of which i am not in attendance.

c'est une rafolie!

2011-12-28T23:33:00.000-08:00

ridiculous sightings:

chicken boy.

hot, demonic clown cheesy puffs.

chocolate covered kale..

why does justin bieber wrapping paper exist?

coool:

jake can be anything.

I'm going through this pokemon phase again. I'm disturbed by the fact that there are so many new pokemon, most that look so absurd and uncool...and kids still go crazy for them.

if i were five, this is the stuff i'd lust after..

batman! !!!

and presumably friends and enemies.

a perversion of Sentiment

2011-12-26T22:33:00.000-08:00

because no one who knows visits here.

because it needs to be said.

perché non ho paura.

pt. 1: "a message for you"

pt. 2: let me continue

all this happened in april.
it would've gone on longer had the batteries not died on me. i think it was a one-time, cathartic thing that i really needed to get out of my system (and believed i was actually gonna send out) so trying to do a whole new little video would defeat the purpose of it.
that makes perfect sense.
my wall of stoicism, crumbling. embarrassing.
sometimes i say the stupidest things.

these holiduds

2011-12-25T11:22:00.001-08:00

Christmas is upon us yet again. Well, there isn't really anything to stop it; attempts to usurp or destroy Santa haven't exactly been executed properly in the past and then there are other..things to deal with that aren't quite fictional. I don't know about this year, if there was anything to look forward to that was worth the wait or trouble...but maybe that can be said about anything that i've gone through. It's been wrought with disappointment and stress in general. No matter what I do, this year especially, I was overcome with things that caused me to worry, to actually cry in the company of strangers (or usually, how it's done, alone), and i was incapable of just trying to brush it off.

yes. that's a santa sitting in someone's porch.

This is not so much a christmas post, per se, but sort of an early reflection. The end of every year, I would say after I graduated from secondary school, causes me to wonder what I'm good for, what future awaits me, my purpose for existence. I'm here. I need to know why.
Or at least make up a why.

way of being

2011-12-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

There's something in the air.

Doing things I've not done in a long while is refreshing.
Suffering from a bit of the ennui as well. I sadly miss the institution and its people.

The most wonderful?

2011-12-11T15:18:00.000-08:00

After it all, I still feel nauseous; there's elation, but an impending fear, the dread of what's to come because i fucked up so hard last time. Shit. The greatest release came with but a small sense of satisfaction. No, wait. There was nothing satisfying about it. I couldn't let myself go completely. My expectations were so high.

It was sorely disappointing.

And the red-nosed. bearded, jolly head of Christmas-time is rearing it's head this way. Meh. I put up the tree today (the same tree from when I was five..or around that age). Suspecting it will be lonely. Without those electric-light lawn flamingoes to keep me company. Ah. Here are some interesting things.
Because, you know, people need to see these things.

It's a kermit orgy! or..some sort of masturbatory affair? I think I'm a little too much into the muppets after seeing that free screening of the lastest movie last month. I mean, I watched the muppet christmas carol (Michael Caine and Raymond Coulthard were quite cute i 1992) and i'm currently watching muppets from space. It's not bad. There are references from pop culture back when those sort of things were popular (dawson's creek, mice=spice girls, "the american way"). Yeah.

I thought this looked a little like Nemo, or maybe his mom.

I want the full size version of this.

Solidifying my obsession with wayfarers. My profound fascinations with frames. Freaky note: I'm missing a pair of glasses that belong in the front row there.

Hardcore is not enough... Anymore

2011-12-06T18:25:00.000-08:00

Pbs is the greatest godsend.

Watch Interview with Milos Karadaglic on PBS. See more from SOUND TRACKS.

If not the greatest distraction.

Successional Delusion

2011-11-26T16:16:00.000-08:00

Here I am, living under my rock. I am tremendously stress out of my mind and I'm quite certain important things will not get done. Nary a motivation can help me now.

It pains my heart to admit it. Truly, truly.

one one one one one one

2011-11-11T20:03:00.000-08:00

tried your luck today?

that's ok if you didn't.

mine wasn't as fortunate, either.

Seen and unseen

2011-11-08T17:56:00.000-08:00

Hi there. My absence from this blog is extremely apparent. Hmmm. Well, i am here today to discuss/put up/make note of my current interests/obsessions.

first, los campesinos! has a new album, "hello sadness". this band and i have gone back maybe four or five years when I first saw the music video for "you! me! dancing!"

i don't remember how i found it or where i saw it, but i knew i adored the song. from that point on i've been following the band's musical releases and found the majority of them to be pleasing to the ear with enough innovations and continuity; you do a double-take while realizing it's the same twee, blatantly cynic group of welsh musicians.
yesterday i it dawned on me that los campesinos! is the only band i listen to that i feel grew with me; we sort of developed and converged in identical ways, albeit theirs was of a musical form and mine was, more or less, biological. it's the idealogical aspect we share.
that's what i feel, anyway, when i look back on my late high school years, the time i spent in england, my stint in south korea, and where i am now. the parallel is astounding, like one of those "soundtrack to my life" kind of things.
back to this new album: i find it a good listen, i can't stop listening to (a few of) the songs. it's been two days and it's usually the first thing i want to hear when i start my day.
my absolute favorite song has to be "baby, i got the death rattle." the mood of it and oddly clever lyrics with the apt musical composition makes it something i need to have on repeat.

next up, just want to share this from italian class today: il volo. they are absolutely adorable!! we watched this at the end of class, and even though it's a little pavoratti meets jonas brothers circa 2008, the pavorotti aspect beats out the faux-pop-rockers any day.

see!!? even though i was laughing in bewilderment and shame and amazement, you can't help but be mesmerized by their italian charms.

i can't believe they're still teenagers. they are very, very, very cute.
how is it i was unaware of their presence here during the summer?? dang.

The last bit here, i just found while making my rounds on the other blogs i follow. this is alain delon. he is a french actor.

*drool*

europeans on the mind again.

Scared witless

2011-10-31T17:08:00.000-07:00

i really, really need to be doing pertinent things related to a theoretical conference in almost a month, but i feel the need to get cracking on some blogging about happenings. hmm. i'm beginning to feel that the concept of sharing thoughts on the webs is waning, for me it's not as vague or seclusive as before; i don't even think i need to foster this technological, as i had often hoped to be "anonymous", identity.
The mystery of purpose.
Porpoise.

Ah, well. Enjoy getting candy and getting scared. I plan to at least be experiencing the latter well into the night.

time of the season

2011-10-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

i'm sure i usually attempt something during this time of the month, specifically last week during this time of the month. and not because of something womanly, but because of something that happens yearly and to everyone. yeah. i had another birthday.
it was ..i guess, one level better than last year. level'd up.

i think usually make a big deal about it and all, but...if nothing happened, really, then i don' think there's much of a point to do so. i'm not even upset or anything. that's a skill that builds up over the years, birthday tolerance. learn to use it well.

it hasn't been a great day, though. there's been a surge of demoralization. my brain hurts.

a day in thug life

2011-10-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

i'm disappointed september featured a single post. it's almost as bad as 2006, but pictures pretty much salvaged that. indeed, again, i've come to entice you all with recent pictures i've taken at school--no people, really, just what been piquing my interest..that isn't human.

ah, it was raining yesterday. i enjoyed it, especially whilst walking to school, but i realized the pitfalls of it when i sat in class, the front of my trousers were relatively drenched and throughout the day as my super soaked shoes & socks would not dry.

that's what it looked like, the view from my favorite place on campus to find respite.

here's something i found on the wall and enhanced a bit by paying tribute to that great monster in the sky.

i added the moniker so other people would be aware of the greatness presiding next to them.
here are some things from a classROOM! i've come to really enjoy this class, it's about proto-indo-european (i'm not sure about that whole hyphen deal..) and it's absolutely amazing seeing all these similarities between and hearing explanations behind languages. there are two things i don't much care for:
1. revisiting latin

2, these ridiculous chairs attached to the desks

if you look closely, there should be a hinge-y part visible halfway the back of the chair. every time anyone moves, that thing screeches like a banshee.
and this is my interpretation of my professor.

i know it looks a lot scary, but..he mostly looks like that. with a very dry voice and style of..humor? whenever he laughs it kinda sounds like he's choking, but his face has a maniacal mein, a little like the joker from good versions of batman. anyway, it's the mustache that makes the man.

got what U want

2011-09-21T20:37:00.000-07:00

what i'm very well aware of: i haven't been here for nigh over a month plus two days and that normal blogs are chock full of visuals to attract an audience. well. i'm not exactly that kind of blogger who wants to rack up reader/visitor numbers with pictures, but someone out there, i have no idea who nor do i care to know, has criticized this lacking aspect of my web-extended life and, you know what? Fine. Here is a shitload of distractions to stare at in awe and/or longing while i describe them each with a short sentence.

This is from a t-shirt and the proceeding ones are also from clothing; the sunglasses and the rainbow mane make this zebra the hippest ungulate on the block.

It's a cute lion.

I might've liked to actually wear the t-shirt with this design when i was in middle school, going through that imaginary "rebellious" phase.

If you've been to ikea recently you'd know they're campaigning for kids to play with their soft, giant, manufactured food.

i remember seeing this on tv, but i don't remember if i watched it.

i like this necklace; it's themed for halloween at target, but i want to wear it all the time.

oh my god, this was at the 99¢ only store and i was all, "what the hell??" when i saw the name of this brand.

okok, so, if you look down about two or three posts from the past, i mentioned a sale that 2k was having and i was down to get some new threads. and indeed i did. i had ordered two new shirts, but one turned out to be out of stock (disappointment! it was hilarious). this is the one that i ultimately received:

yeah. that's david shrigley. seriously, i anticipate wearing this shirt when i feel as such.

check this out:

is there no less awesomeness seeing darth vader get bunny ear'd? OH. NO, WAY. this shirt was really a steal. less than $7 for it? hm, i think yes.

in reality, i have a collection of the best t-shirts--from elephant wangs to flipping the bird sideways. yeah, better be digging those out of the closet again.

ends Up

2011-08-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

everybodies. i can almost taste the good old chilling to be had for the remainder of my summer. after this weekend, seriously gonna be sleeping in and trying to fit in video gaming (too neo-old school) and making those long ago, thought out interweb mixtapes. i'm actually looking forward to these things. oh yeah, i suppose that summer bucket list has gotta come into being one of these days...

hmm, as much as i long to be relaxing and spazzing over how to beat last level bosses, there is business to attend to. figurative, but seriously serious stuff. i wish my brain could take a break, though. i mean, i had a final yesterday and i was dying last night while i was working on a report/presentation. i quit thinking right after i took that test so it was hard as hell to concentrate. i thought about putting an inappropriate little simile there, but..eh.
it's so surprising that i actually stuck out the whole nine weeks for that summer class! i wasn't sure i was gonna make it, 'cuz there was always a lot of shit to do and other people had chicken'd out and quit, but here i am, a testament to droll will power. it was also kinda fun(ny) sometimes. i'm so astonished and proud! it's a feeling that hasn't been around much lately. the food today was boss. and those weird games where people ate stuff. the not normally so tasty stuff. it would've been better with a pint of a miscellaneous melange of alcoholic beverages..and maybe bodily fluids/snacks, but i digress! i didn't mean to bring in my saturday night routine.

i just feel relief.

more of it

2011-08-10T19:11:00.000-07:00

ok, so remember way back when, maybe more than a few months ago, and i announced on this thing that i had a girl crush? i must admit i've probably had a few more since then (..can't seem to remember right now, these things come and go in unpredictable cycles) and right now, at this very moment i have to say my latest one has got to be daisy lowe. i have no idea why. this damn tumblr might be one of the deciding factors, but, really, i've always liked her hair, at least. whatevs. it's possibly a fleeting thing.

les rêves en verité!

2011-08-01T15:18:00.000-07:00

This makes me very, very happy. indeed, i couldn't believe it at first and i was trying to hold back my ...latent excitement.
Maybe my college freshman self would be doing back-flips out the window and moonwalking on the ceiling, trying to get to england any which way she could.

as tempting as it is, i know i'll be trying my damnedest to hold out for that frapanese scottie.

theoretical fruit of the loins

2011-07-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

hi. the days have just been flying by, haven't they? in the meantime, i occupied myself with plant-tending. this is the product of patience:

behold.
my baby avocado tree.
it took...so damn long to finally see this thing grow. the thing looked like an alien back in the day. or i've heard people say.been thinking about naming it, but..nothing's really coming to me.

we think we Assume so

2011-07-13T20:07:00.001-07:00

oh! i really don't seem to have the time to keep this up lately. my reasons are legitimate. so, onto the new things that been going on hurrr..

interesting events regarding summer school: a hummingbird flew into our class whilst we were taking out test yesterday. there were attempts to lure it towards and out the windows, but to no avail. not sure if it got out or died...
there was a language exchange activity thing yesterday, too. it was fun...the things we had to do were ちょっと変 at first or, y'know, weird at best. hmm. yeah. the students were very cute. the ones in our group, from what i saw/experienced. very nice.

mmmm, uh, oddly enough, i've finished my homework early and have quite a bit of free time--so prior to getting down with this i took a break reclining upside-down. i find it relaxing. part nostalgic.
i think in future posts...i'm gonna put up pictures or things i especially like/sometimes (sadly) obsess over.
oh my gosh, though, are you in the know about 2kshirts kinda sales for womens' tees? the majority of them are 1/2 (mebbe a tad bit more than) off so..um, you might wanna order some david shrigley and vänskap while good sizes are still available. i fucking know i will.

you can't resist.

four specious skies, bored on the forth of

2011-07-04T15:31:00.000-07:00

sadly, it's all about the ice cream and popsicles these days. so, how's this fourth of july? i'm not taking sticker pictures or eating at mossburger or moping about a regrettable evening with someone i thought was a much better person or catching fireflies or watching fireworks like all normal, patriotic people do. like most times, like all times, i'll be slaving away well into the evening to get my homework done. you'd think that one times too many would be enough and make me realize i seriously gotta get my shit together, but i guess my brain doesn't deduce like that.

enjoying the day off otherwise.

i don't remember what I'll be doing in the future.

2011-06-30T15:25:00.000-07:00

it's the end of the month! summer is about...maybe 1/3 over? ooohh. there's still so much warm weather things i need to do..alas, i've still gotta be worrying about homework and tests. i'm rather relieved right now as i just finished taking mega test (no lies, it was とても難しい) and going through an ordeal of an oral test. yo. get yo mind out that gutter.
so. after doing more homework, napping, and eating some cinnamon toast crunch ('cuz you know that's the best cereal ever) i thought to myself, i thought, "i need to devote some time to my blog. the damn thing has been around for nearly five years or so and, dagnabit, i haven't been giving it some sugar like i used to."
here i am, then. um. i guess i can talk about some stuff. i don't really want to mention shit about school since..that's, like, the only thing that's usually on here. stuff on my mind, then.

ok! i have something interesting and a li'l intellectual to talk about. i recently read a myth in that mini western myth anthology-like thing i had to read when i was a senior in high school. this particular myth, oddly enough, i never chanced to read before and it scared the shit out of me (ah, i think i was reading this other story that referenced a similar event happening so i was inclined to check the original out). turns out dionysus had these female followers called maenads who were totally ..kinda crazy? They were unaware of and uncontrollable over their actions and would kill or maim or whatever else had you--kinda like the berserk effect in final fantasy games. yeah and they would rip people apart..like the king of thebes in the certain myth i was reading about. can you imagine...

ok. remember how i'm, like, nearly insanely obsessed with REGULAR SHOW? i was looking around for music from the show and i stumbled upon this blog.
i was excited. there's such awesome, funny, odd stuff on there..
maybe next month will be more fruitful and i'll remember what i was supposed to do.

tsk tsk. OOOOOHHHHHHHH!

2011-06-22T22:06:00.000-07:00

hey. after only, like, two real classes of summer school i feel totally spent--like, y'know, my brain has already overloaded with new fangled vocabulary and grammar. what the h? i learned most of it before so all this is like a manual reboot for my brain. so weird because my mouth tends to work faster than my brain in dire circumstances. at least i'm kinda making friends? well, willingly, perhaps.

with all the time i have being used up for mostly learning, there is little room for error in making the best of my breaks. thus i have turned to TV on the internet. i guess over the past few months i've been watching cartoonnetwork whenever i'm in the vicinity of a tv where i am in control of the clicker. and all i've been watchin, 'cuz i'm lucky that it's always on, is REGULAR SHOW. oh my, i haven't been this excited about a cartoon targeted for a younger audience since, uh...the marvelous misadventures of flapjack, i think. seriously, though, this animation clearly has older people themes/relevances. of course it's all subtle and things are substituted with kid-friendly stuff (eg: beer=soda). i was so shocked when i heard mordecai and rigby saying, "crap" and "pissed" and...(i'm so probably sure) "damn" 'cuz i was totally thinking kids are watching this, knowing those might be some offensive words, but at the rate at which english is being desecrated these days...in MY day, that language was reserved for cartoons only on the comedy central/[a s]/primetime local TV kinda place. i mean, i wasn't suspecting it. i can't stop watching it---sooo amazing. i have a brain crush on mordecai, but rigby is adorable and pops is just old-timey weird that i giggle everytime he breaks out dancing and...OH MAN.

yeah. i'm kinda obsessed right now.

hahaha.."we need more guests with breasts and i ain't talkin' 'bout mine."

Procrastinator II: the return

2011-06-04T17:18:00.000-07:00

it's the weekend before finals! oh my god, i have too much shit to deal with that isn't even academic and it's stressing me out to the max. i just had a final this morning, as a matter of fact, but it wasn't, like too difficult i felt like dying when i saw what was on it. the thing was just a, you know..a major bitch since it was on a SATURDAY morning. oh. that reference reminds me of the times i used to do SATs and that sort of stuff. that was a real long time ago, when i think about it. maaaannnn...i don't want to be dealing with this even though it's seriously gon'be over right quick. what i'm worried about the most is this paper for one of my classes (seems every quarter i have to produce something of college-level writing relating to the course) that i haven't really started and it's worth a shitload of my total grade. dammit, i thought i told myself i was gonna start these sort of papers earlier. i'm still not entirely sure what i'll be writing about, too..AH ME GODS.

i'm looking forward to days when i feel like this. but that requires a bit more extroversion.

so.

um.

i think i'm going to cry in the corner over there and then start studying for my grammar police entrance exam (no lies, syntax makes you an official officer for real verbal offenses) and stress over my seemingly-never-to-be-started paper. i'm sure i'll get it done in time, it's just gonna be hell.

fill my Specifier

2011-05-30T21:41:00.000-07:00

it's seriously like i have more time that i can handle, but it gets squandered ...mysteriously. having the day off wasn't the best thing ever as there were errands and such that needed to be "taken care of". claiming tiredness don't even come close to what i really feel. all this drinking an' pseudo-partying, though very fun at times, is fucking up my basic functioning. too far behind in shit i shoulda finished ages ago. anyways.

the quarter is almost over, like, really. the school year is nigh on ending. eeeee. although i'm close to declaring surviving a school year, i can't exactly say it was vastly successful. there are things i'd definitely fo differently, other people/groups i'd have liked to associate with, planning classes better and with care..BUT i'm not at all upset with what i did do, who i met, and a few of the things i learned. i'm basically sated for the time being.
yeah. there's too much going on and being worried about the upcoming year and planning potential super good times--i'm stressed beyond my age limit.

ways to manipulate giving "head"

2011-05-11T21:04:00.000-07:00

it's may! oh man. thinking back on the things i was up to last year and vice versa..what an extreme turn of events. even the people i'm always with--totally, totally different, in a somewhat endearing approach, people. it's really weird when i think about it; what i'm doing and etc. i can't believe it, really, and i'm mostly terrified..probably without (any/good) reason.

i also feel like this has been neglected for an extended period of time. sorry. i mean, there definitely isn't a cult following for this blog, eh? no. i mean, what the hell are people gonna come on here to read? the random nostalgic shit i somehow remember after all these years? well..i do that, but only because there's a feasible relevance that induces me to laughter/tears/deep contemplation.bedsides, it's too creepy to think about all the people who about reading every little thing in here. anyway. it's so ..crazy. seeing and reading about my life back in the day. overall, very, very disappointing (except on my occasional overseas "excursions"). i'm theorizing things could be getting better..i must.

yeaaaaahh. so that's a brief and vague update on me life. relish it.

don't mind my chronic infatuation with british rock music. i can't even explain this resurgence--of '90s music no less! (and i really can't get enough of the smashing pumpkins' music videos. i would dig having me some angsty '90s teenage friends to go to house parties with.) gotta be lovin' that center-parted semi-long hair on guys. classic.

memories of two

2011-04-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

i guess this is one of those times that's a little more obscure and self-reflective than normal. well. you might be thinking, "hey. this thing is always like that. there isn't anything here that i immediately understand unless it's through a stupid reference that i remember from that book/show/song/etc." in the grand tradition of things, this post will follow suit, undeniably and then some.

within in the past week, i've been engaging in activities i used to reserve for special occasions or, y'know, weekday nights after a difficult day dealing with clingy, violent kids. i'm not lamenting the fact it's going on, i really missed it--the stress, the talking, the bonding over questionable omelets, and i totally think those last two activities are nearly synonymous with the exception of the addition of food there--and although the ones these days aren't nearly as delicious (yes, i mean dinnertimes) or , dare i say, intimate, it's been a good substitute.

i really have to stop relying on the drinks to make my evening tops. i'm not that dependent, no.
and i've actually forgotten the point of this post, like always.

At Your local Kubrick library.

2011-04-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

way too into school. i'm surprised i've been going out on monday nights, spending money, and ending up in questionably apartments filled with guys. it's cool. i'm used to it--bars, hotel rooms, bathrooms, i've dealt with them all. at least my social life is considerably more exciting.

here's a rundown on my new academic life: all my classes are loathsome, with the subject exception of italian where we always end up laughing about morire. there's a grandpa, a hipster, and some lady..i really miss last quarter with mr. sweaty. anyways! there are so many things to do and people for me to see, time schedule nonconflicting pending, that leave me excited, eager for le weekend.

so, lately all i've been watching is good ol' simpsons episodes, seasons 1, 2, and 5. here are two shots of attractive, fictional womans that often get lost in all the dialogue and story and the fact that you were eating that sandwich instead of watching the screen:

i really like marge with her hair down.next time i hope to catch some other good'lookin' guest star characters.

& Now I See

2011-04-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

hey hey hey. ok. i neglected to say..i was on a glasses hunt. this wasn't even recent! i mean, i like my cheapie ones from korea, but they weren't exactly what i was looking for..plus i needed to update my prescription. i happen to be nearsighted and it was really weird that my eyesight was apparently better than the last time i went in (this further fuels my theory that i'm aging backwards). after countless days of scouring the internets for nice frames and wondering if the retro red ones i snatched up at the salvations army were right for me, i found warby parker through notcot. their frame selection has everything i ever thought about putting on my face and the price was relatively decent. Also! for every frame sold via them they donate a pair to someone who needs some vision correction in a veritably less providing country. essentially: buy and they gift glasses to the needy (pending these people need them). there's this nice feature where you can pick some frames to be sent to you to try on irl if you can't get to someplace that carries them (i guess another nice way to gauge if they look good on you via friends/family/pets/people on the street) for five days. so, here are the ones i initially picked out:

i really like the little box they came in! anyway, they probably look all black, but the fourth one was actually a deep navy...after trial and error and reconsiderations and input, i decided that the owen (second pictured in the preceding pictures) would be mine in my quest for fashionably better eyesight. i received them in the mail last week and, by golly they're nice! i look exquisitely educated and i can see better/suffer less eye pain because i used to be an avid squinter.

i don't know if i ever mentioned it on here and i can't tell if it's evident from one of the blogs i've linked on the "get thee to--" section on the side there, but i adore glasses. i'll even go as far to say i have a glasses fetish (well, maybe not that extreme, but damn near close). i can't pinpoint when or why it happened, although i know the first guy i ever liked wore them...i guess it's the connotations that are synonymous with wearing them (eg: scholarly) and how they can make faces look all the more better. with the latter said, not all glasses enhance equally so i don't drool over any ol' fellow wearing a pair. if done correctly, however, like in this case and in the manner of my italian teacher last quarter, i just might start to obsess.

ambidextrous appendages, pleasure, YOU.

2011-03-29T16:06:00.000-07:00

@ i seriously want to give it up.
ill-formed!
onto the new stuff going on this week...my god. i don't remember how many times i've written about school, anything related to it, the students (and the elite crew known as my pals), and teachers. i've a sneaking suspicion i won't be stopping anytime soon and that induces queasiness. so. i don't care for any of my teachers this go around. the best score i'll give is moderately pedestrian--and that'll definitely alter as the weeks roll by. i was upset i couldn't do the francophone film class as it is instructed in french (...maintenant, je parle le français trés mauvais. je pense. alors, je devrais étudier chaque jour, hein?). it feels like it's gonna be a looooooooong week, but it's running smoothly thus far. so. it starts off tolerable. oh so tolerable.

At it. An encore.

2011-03-27T13:42:00.000-07:00

awwwwwwwwww. spring break is over! this week was much too short. i'm devastated. i am definitely not looking forward to waking up early and sitting through classes struggling to keep my eyes and ears open. ughhhh. i didn't quite accomplish everything i intended to...i had a change in a reciprocation so i'm working on it. i think it'll come out interesting, if not emotional (not like the stoicism apparent in my writing..or me in real-real life. i have dimensions).

ehhmmm, anyways, i'm off to start more education tomorrow. can't believe i have to do the whole italian everyday thing again (who will be my teacher?? someone as sweaty and cute as before??? i can only hope..but not that sweaty).i don't know the exact approach to have to this quarter...i mean, i'mma try to keep it lax and get shit done goood. after this round i have summer to fool around and rot in mini pants in the sunshine for a while before attending more education things. ooohhahhh, already a rather deep letdown. onto the surviving.

Grinning green

2011-03-17T16:22:00.000-07:00

hi!! "winter" finals are over and i can fulfill my spring break fantasy of staying home all day playing video games and going online! that's what my 13 year old self would relish..but i'm not exactly like that anymore. ok, beyond the fact that it's st. patrick's day (remember the last two years? i wasn't in america! and i was doing very much irish things, like drinking green beer and just drinking in general), i want to be consistent with what i mentioned in the previous post regarding interesting things i took pictures of in the library at my school. i've already put one up here.
these can be rather vulgar so please proceed with caution; other than that, start your guffaws.

i was shocked and disturbed to discover such illustrations and phrases scrawled on decades old desks. it just seems unfathomably that warped, seeming sexually deprived, slightly prejudiced individuals attend my school. yeah, it's a big place, but just going to this library increases my chances of running into these people. um. maybe i should find a new place to study/kill time before classes, but this is really the best library i've been to thus far--it's got that old timey charm with that slowly, rotting scent of old paper and quietness you expect..there are real books that are genuinely interesting! the downsides of this place, however, are the construction stuff going on (eg: noise and god-knows-what that floats along with the dust when they drill/paint/other construction stuff)and the less than decent wi-fi.

ahh.
despite being concerned about what's happened and currently happening in japan (i wonder if my '06 family is ok), i feel relaxed. also perturbed.

Anticipations, never leave, Please

2011-03-11T14:24:00.000-08:00

What's happnin'??

So, i'm finally done with that grotesque ordeal regarding writing up stuff and referencing and transcribing that's worth a shitload of points. But. I digress. I feel the relief, the sensation of having the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders (thanks, atlas) and i can function like a normal ... younger person again. the funny thing about today: breakfast blunts. i imagine.

ok. back to mindless, tedious thoughts and observations about the last day of classes. OH MANS. I was absolutely heartbroken when i was sitting in italian class, listening to my teacher spew expletives and insults in a foreign tongue, and when the thought smacked me upside my giant head: this was the last time i'd ever see my teacher again (i've admitted it elsewhere, but i guess now would be an ok time to do so, too) because i've harbored some attraction towards him...there are countless qualities he possesses that are immensely irresistible to me (and maybe other girls who aren't into the super machismo or hyper sensitive fellows and enjoy sipping/downing whiskey while watching fellini films and playing the beatles' revolver in the background..but! i digress). it was definitely the glasses that made me like him initially (it's my thing. probably a borderline fetish). no more sweaty pit stains and slightly smirked (to the right side) grins occurring in uncomfortable situations or in uncertainty or ...when something kinda humorous went down. oh. i'm really gonna miss seeing him everyday. seriously. especially those pit stains.

the only thing i have to immediately stress over is my final for italian tomorrow.

with all my forthcoming free times, i'm apt to get some belated shit done; hmmm, like sending stuff to people about stuff that happened and what of it now. to whoever reads this and can infer that this is about: i can gather my thoughts together and come up with a retort that encompasses what i meant, and mean and feel and think now. expect something.
i also want to get up some relatively insanely interesting pictures i took while studying/doing school stuff in yrl, that new library hangout i've been frequenting. i like how it's nearly deserted, the construction on the ground floor might be the likely culprit, and has multiple floors with labyrinths of shelves containing the most oddest printed things (francis grierson, snark hunting, scientific anthologies of brazil, & the list goes on). but the point of interest here lies in those individual desks, lining the walls and flanking the giant windows that allow mindless gazing outside, of the upper floors.

coming soon.

i wont grow up

2011-02-28T22:21:00.000-08:00

i wonder. these days have been going by like...it's so painstakingly..slow, maybe? they're too long for their own good. perhaps all the obligations i have to fulfill are making my daily activities seem weighted, much more so than usual. alas, i trudge on and emit an overly pensive manner, which i suppose is sometimes construed as a bit sad, and fantasize about doing other things (people? no, i don't suppose so..or, not as often as i used to..but! I digress.) I'm so eager to finish up this undergrad life yet i know i do not have definite plans for the near future. ideas, vaguely, but actions i'm seriously considering are probably nil.

i know i'm getting older. i can't be having this 17 year old mindset forever, or, you know, this late teen way of thinking. transitioning into a state of indifference might not be the optimal reaction to this realization. i think i made an ultimatum to myself, with no consequence, that i would be more decisive. it's not happening at the right rate..the onset of an incentive as a motivation.
well, that's all i'd like to discuss for the end of this month. oh man.

che cazzata

2011-02-18T14:44:00.000-08:00

it's the end of zeee weeeek. rather pleasant, i'm surprised to say. i discovered the most intriguing information. oh the joys of finding interesting older people, specifically guys...with glasses...from the east coast....who enjoy fellini films.

*sigh*

i'm finding it crazy that things are piling up consecutively. and then getting distracted by something spontaneously coming about.
hmmmmm. yeah, what was i doing? um, ok. it's just much to do, think, and hopefully accomplish decently.

all you need is:

2011-02-14T18:05:00.000-08:00

refer to this year.

in case you're wondering, this is the usual reading material found in (university) libraries. i don't know if it's entirely true...but from some of the experience i've had..hmmmm.

i don't think i've ever touched on this, but i think this is a good opportunity for me to bring up this concept i was recently introduced to almost two years ago. Supposedly, every girl goes through this slut stage. i've heard about these sort of things happening and i often think to myself, "hey, when is this going to happen? i need my rite of passage into sluttage." it's probably not that serious. an interesting concept occurring on the regular.

Having a Jack moment

2011-02-03T20:37:00.000-08:00

I fear and desire this.

a successful failure.

2011-01-31T21:36:00.000-08:00

lemme take a moment and explain this quality of constant wistfulness. i'm recently realizing, amid my vivid analogies, how much of an enigma i am. or..the void of identity i associate with. perhaps it's just me being mopey. perhaps. it's not empty anymore, nowadays, like, it's just constantly pondering/asking/obsessing over "why?what of where to go and what to do.
i have no intention of being philosophical (have you been traumatized by logic under the guise of socrates? no?). I tend to be thinking what to do now, later, if i could conjure up a time machine and go back to me in the '90s. i'm in a state of wondering.
totally separate from other things going on/i instigated. it's mostly good ol' nostalgia from living in a house with a basement and a cherry tree in the backyard--somewhere i had ambition to be great, guys giving me their self-drawn self-portraits willingly, an idea of what was real.

the pre-coup sensation

2011-01-25T22:50:00.000-08:00

i know i haven't been contributing lately. it's not that i don't want to, there is an odd group that must chance on seeing this thing every so often, but i'm getting really caught up in an overwhelming world where i lose sense of time and i'm tired and spaced out. i missed a class today because i totally couldn't comprehend my schedule and what, exactly, i should've been doing after taking that harrowing and demoralizing japanese test.

there isn't much to say. i feel uncouth and disheartened. i need to pile up these feelings. then i can totally be cathartic all at once and save some much needed time to do some research or whatever. much has occurred, as you can prolly infer from my exasperation and harried accounts of recent activities. i don't understand why i'm so indecisive. it might not be the best option in the short term, but there's an off chance that i'll be better off in the future.

i'm not talking about people here. it's a bit of a generalization, i suppose.

Start the Day off, right?

2011-01-03T20:12:00.001-08:00

welcome to 2011. in about seven months this blog will be roughly five years old. expect b-day party invites in your emails. and yes, my education establishment has started. this morning, no less!

i'm not lying, i don't do it with people i just meet (for any of y'alls sneaking in for the first time; that's what she said..is that still relevant? is 2011 still gonna keep tastelessness like that? i'm not gonna judge, it makes the high school me titter with ), and i'm not lying now: today was crazy. i mean, hectic. my first mistake was taking a shower this morning, basically an hour before i had to jet to class. my hair would not dry. i knew this. and ultimately i was late.
ok. italian class was...surprising? the teacher got switched or something to this white guy who i take to be...not italian at all (his name is a giveaway). it was crazy--only italian flowed from his mouth the second he arrived and we were all, "oh my god, WUT!" it was so abnormal when he broke out the english at the end of class to explain some general stuff. he has glasses and wears vans. uhhh, what am i thinking?
the class i was deathly afraid of came rolling around. there is so much recent history i have to spew about the fear for this class! so much, there's gotta be a straight-to-dvd "based on the true story" thing to explain it--look for it sometime at the end of this month. i got by 'cuz the real shit doesn't start today and i avoided a test because i was a dumbass when it came to registering (...i'm SO relieved i don't have to go through with that oral). ok.
i basically stayed at school for almost ten hours? it was a looong ass day, mans. i hardly had anything to eat, yo. and it was kinda cold. i realize that i have a ton of reviewing in order. gosh damn. if the rest of the week goes this smoothly...

book buying is fucking ridiculous.

still thinking about my italian prof. who'll i'll be seeing five days a week. for the next ten weeks.
and once on a saturday.

In the vicinity of Eleven

2010-12-31T22:32:00.000-08:00

so! in retrospect, this was probably a pretty shit year. again. maybe not as disturbing as 2007, but, from my recollection, it's among the shittiest. top three, maybe? i'm thinking it had a lot to do with what i (wasn't) doing and my first time doing things (so, so disappointing. surprised i didn't die from embarrassment). to get into specifics would be tedious, not worth a read. an imagination, sure. leaving the oh-ten at that.

looking ahead,i sure as hell want to either end this frustrating, continuous shit or grow whatever the female equivalent of cajones are (giant, estrogen pumping ovaries?). my initial indecisiveness is getting the better of me and all reasoning thus far calls for the former.
i know i want to list all too specific resolutions that i stick to as much as my willingness to "better myself" tempts me. last year turned out to be a fiasco as i left for someplace where i had basically no control. ehh. i'm up for trying this time around. aside from continuing with last year's piff, i want to get this out of the way as well: attaining a guy. Why is it so elusive? Was that number/muscle-y self portrait combo the best thing that ever happened to me? god, and i lost it, too.

hoping to get more depressed, my number one priority.

the penultimate wave

2010-12-29T18:15:00.000-08:00

my break time is nearly terminated. i spent the majority of it stuffing my face with things i don't normally ingest. regrettable. i also learned to lower my expectations, but, my god, i wasn't prepared for the experience to trump my lowest anticipation. it was funny how i thought of what i was really in for on the day everything started. and the fact that i dismissed the fact of whatever it was. great.
the next time that happens i wonder who'll be with the kids, if all goes according to plan.

I've been a villain. My name's on the NAUGHTY list.

2010-12-24T19:25:00.000-08:00

It is xmas eve, y'alls. i can't remember what i was doing last year (supposing it wasn't the greatest in a while). i don't think i'll be treasuring this year any much. i guess the only thing that isn't making me feel any more the upset is knowing that this can't possibly be the lamest anyone else i know is experiencing. ah, i think that makes sense if i read it back. waiting, if i survive, for next year to roll around.

oh my god, it's so short.
and..that's what i said.

of context. You must accept!

2010-12-15T18:59:00.000-08:00

i know i was a little harsh the last time i was on here (it's reality!), but now is a time to reflect..more positively like cations. do i want to feel better, like i've actually done things comparable to successful events, regardless of their level of accomplishment? there will be base, base milestones listed so, don't get your hopes up; there won't be a mention on the status of "three bitches in dublin" or usuki clan t-shirts for sale (ah, maybe wait a few more months and they'll be ready for all your memorabilia pleasure!).

no order, just whatever comes to mind that made me feel good after i did them.

-blowing a bubblegum bubble

-tying my shoelaces (aha! no more velcro, but this was before the advent of slip-ons crossed my mind)

-getting my driver's license. seriously, you have no idea what kind of shit i went through to get this thing.

-getting used to the dark. monsters lurk elsewhere.

-graduating high school !

-surviving being teacher

ah, ummmm, there aren't anymore. or, at least anything that comes remotely to mind.
still trying to ride this distracting, happy high: check out these snacks i got!

this is like that one time i talked about my fave ice cream at the time and those mini, fake chicken legs. i thought that these things would be sweeter, but they turned out to be rather...a little more savory to my liking. so cute, no?? i adored the penguin and isn't it funny how the leopard looks like it has multi-eye action going on?? the cock is also a nice mentionable laugh, i couldn't believe they put that on a cracker. for kids. the monkey on the box...so hilarious.

It's beginning to look a lot like..failure

2010-12-08T18:19:00.000-08:00

since i'm failing in school right now (unintentionally for the first time! it was supposed to really matter! ugh~i'm trying, too!), i don't feel at all positive. there's too much pressure riding on me/this; all these people, some of who i don't even know that well and have made me their honorary "adopted" daughter (why do the majority of my parents' friends have sons? re: deadline for marriage/babies). overwhelming!
at least i'm 2/3 done with my finals. they weren't horrible to take, but the overall accumulation of "work" i've submitted will ultimately be my downfall.
sometimes i wish i went to art school. like, the one in sf or something; they always used to send me stuff about what was being offered, why it was ok to go there...etc. all the more fueling my case for an oh-7 reepeat.

oh, i should take all this into my own hands and at least be pleased with what i'm fucking up.

holly jolly heat waves!

2010-12-03T20:52:00.000-08:00

hullloo december! i'm desperate to break out sweaters and scarves and boots and other woolly apparel, but the weather is pms-ing, going all crazy, fluctuating like an ocd on crack. that's the best analogy i can think of that stills maintains resonance and relevance. i've seriously come to dislike this time of year. it's the end, it don't feel like it should, and these goddamn christmas songs. i really don't like to hear those melodies in december, i find it base and have rightly connected them to the mind controlling higher-ups who've taken commercializing to a different stratosphere. maybe it's just me..for the past few years the lines between thanksgiving and christmas have blurred into a gradient not unlike those seen in the works of rothko. i'm getting ahead of myself; it's the realization that i've accomplished so little this year, as before, and i'm not doing ANYTHING. can you relate? i feel as if i ain't oing anywhere and this whole back-to-school stint as a student is seriously not cutting it for me.

I said, "Where's the white stuff?"

2010-11-30T16:35:00.000-08:00

i can't believe it's already the end of november~! it feels really weird, like, time passed by so sloooowly. i can't relate that in terms the general public can understand, but...i guess it reminds me of my time spent in korea...hmm. ah, getting too nostalgic. anyway, more stress about school and thinking and just patiently looking forward to finishing. ok. hmmmm. i have too much on my mind, distractions abound. and comics, oh my gosh, COMICS are totally sucking up my precious time with their engaging visuals and entertaining story lines...

since i've been here at school, the full quarter here, it just isn't..like.eeeehhmmm..it's hard for me to explain, or even openly admit what it's like on here (i reserve that for my arbitrary collection of 'this'es). it's almost like i had such grand expectations, but it's not that different from what i left behind, in all cases. i suppose that anything i set out for and eventually reach will end up being a sort of let down (with the exception of travel..the greatest memories are made in other countries!)..ah, ok. Other things? it's quite chilly in my place these evenings. the "heater" doesn't seem to improve my conditions plus it's so obscenely loud. at least my internet connection has been reliable for the last few weeks. yay. but i might be speaking too soon.
And. It's probably bad to long for someone who is preoccupied with ...another? shits. stupid influential media and deadline for marriage/babies. damn it all.

on black friday eve

2010-11-25T23:30:00.000-08:00

thanksgiving. i remember days when i used to post about joe namath. yeah. i know i've been gone for a good while--it's because i'm busy with unimportant things that turn out to be super important and i end up being m.i.a. (from internet life, at least) to complete my duties.

i feel totally stuffed with horrible things. and, like, it hurts.
it's such a sickening sensation...that really transports me back to my childhood.
and thinking about tomorrow. yeah, it's disappointing, upsetting, and ...nauseating. cheers to those taking part in its newly minted "festivities".

Toking super mas.tur.bat.ion

2010-11-15T21:14:00.000-08:00

oh shitzles. that was so funny. i need to share it with whatever limited audience i gather. can you imagine how that comes about? pun definitely intended. onto less humorous stuff.

i am still considering ideas i initially had in '07...and taking them to the next level. maybe, maybe it'll be the best thing i ever did and i can float away...indiscreetly. Or i need to get my feet back on the ground, suck it up, and finish what i started so i can get on with life. do you know how conflicted i am? can you even imagine?
at least the quarter is almost over and i can revel in the multitude of tests that i can only complete 17% of.
the reality of faux'demics. can't deal with it.

and since there hasn't been good ol' media to spruce up your attention:

Done did what had to be do'd

2010-11-09T17:07:00.000-08:00

i'm feeling a little better. i turned in that durn research paper for comm today. and at this very moment i'm having derivation epiphanies. seems my academic concerns can be put on hold. this month has been so stressful--i'm transported back to a time where school mattered and i (kinda) cared and i was acting all responsible. it's not exactly the same level of attentiveness.

i am so fatigued by education.
seriously having the same considerations as 07.
maybe since i've done a shitload since then and i'm a little older...but, i guess i should just finish this, eh?
ahhhhhh...this perseverance thing is wearing me to the bone.

ice cream chips and hos LEEGT

2010-11-03T19:08:00.000-07:00

it's three days into the new month. it feels like the end of august. i'm stressed out and wallowing in the fifth circle of hell. figuratively speaking. a distraction to these necessary endeavors has been cyrano de bergerac. he's hilarious! well, i think so when i read his parts. i can just imagine the spectacle.
ehm. my life is going along, without major retributions for the abundance of nothingness i've accomplished. i'm patiently, ever so, waiting for the end of december. school will be on vacay, it should be cooler (like, normal fall weather we'd have been feelin in october), and people i like will visit.

i expect to be disappointed. i mean, i'll be hopeful until the time arrives, but there is a persistent sense telling me that this future event to look forward to might be..not so great.
other topics on my mind: how i'm stuck in the mire and longing for a means of escape.

Oh. monsters run amuck.

2010-10-31T11:07:00.000-07:00

it's that scary candy day again! i missed a costumed pay-party on friday night.
thoughts on what i wanted to be this year: cleopatra, a beatnik, tuxedo mask. i settled on Odile from bande à part. simply the easiest to dress as. theoretically speaking, i would totally go as her. for, uh, the third year i ain't got nothing.
i'm not even expecting andy comas. oh, it's a shame i don't get the free candy as much as i used to.

Seduction from the man of my land, "Blow my fairy dust."

2010-10-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

there's no way around it. today was a shitty day. right from the moment i got up and through the classes and, well, right now is relaxing, but every precedent has been unfavorable. it was the revenge of the toilet (accompanied by rogue toilet paper) that started my early morning. that may have been the most involved bathroom incident i have ever been in...but it wasn't as embarrassing as that time in heathrow airport. in philosophy, the esteem i held for my professor all but diminished when he said, "I always thought Tinkerbell was hot." Sure, it gets laughs from the kids, but really? Truthfully? A fairy fetish for true or an early morning joke to wake us up? The world will never know. Ah, linguistics. After practicing how to do all three islands in the three different movement things, i realized which ones i was having difficulty with (damn wh- islands and you topicalizations and it-clefting). Since i was already having a horrid day i figured, a little jokingly, that we'd have that kind of shit on the quiz. Lo and behold, my pretties, a TOPICalization of a WH- ISLAND ensued. And i fucked it up royally--i didn't follow the instructions at all...although i'm quite sure i got the general idea of it down pat.

Ahh. I predict more shittiness before the end of the day. Don't know how or when, but it's-a coming.

and to tag on a little something related to the last bit of the last post: i need to concentrate on what's going on now. like i give a fuck about what might have developed. surely there will be better. surely someone diluted. man, being patient all these years has got me worked up.
sarcastically noting emphasized: it's wonderful to hear so many people are getting on with their merry lives and actually accomplishing the beginning hurdles associated with life goals. good for you.

draffing, dragging along

2010-10-22T23:38:00.000-07:00

my, I feel as if this week passed by rather quickly, even more so than I prefer. I think it had to do with the studying and trying to figure out damn derivations and still stressing over things I should have been doing well over three weeks ago. On the upside, I’ve been gradually committing to personal linkage (on a familiar scale). It’s not terrible or overwhelming if done with restraint and an “open mind”. Getting fixes a few times throughout the 5-day school week has been serving me fine.
What’s been fairly nice thus far is the weather. I relish in the coolness and the rain that’s been visiting. I’m dreaming of snow (too early?), but knowing where I really am that is impossible. Seeing as I’m not focusing on what I should be (reading up on that mass media and still trying to figure out what I’ll be comparing), I suppose I can divulge in a few things that have caught my interest (good or …stupid.)

fb can be a nice way to talk to friends in far away places and find out when stuff is going on (or..who and who have got it on), but I find this utterly unnecessary because
a) you can do it yourself
b) it costs money
c) it immortalizes a profile picture, a constantly changing thing (well, will you print & pay every time someone changes their pic, presumably to something better?)

and here are paintings that look like something j.d. ingres would've done if he listened to the sex pistols or black flag. it's fine art based on hardcore.

um. i guess that's all i really found in the past few days.

lastly, i don't think i'll feel right until i admit this:
i just need to say it. "i miss you." every goddamn time i see some asian guy with slightly squinty eyes peeking from behind thick framed glasses with their black hair vaguely obscuring their line of vision (and a lit cigarette hanging between slack lips)--it makes me sick with longing..again.

it's my (birthday) party... i'll cry cuz i want to

2010-10-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

seeing as it's my birthday, it appears logical to make a fit about how old i'm getting. well, not so. in all respects to time and how all-powerful it disguises itself as, i'm just the same. nice as that sounds, i've perverted it into a negative aspect that i must rid myself of.

didn't get what i wanted this year, like that matters nor is it the focal point about this. all i'm thinking is today was a genuine upset. i mean, surprises can go awry and...yes. the better part of my day turning 20-something was munching cake in candlelight while trying to get my internet to work.

delicious frustration. the cake was choco. it was funny how sometimes the candle looked like milk...but no.
and have you heard chilly willy? dancing goodness.

oh well. hoping for better next year. again.

is it real ?

2010-10-10T13:20:00.000-07:00

another year for three in a roww. heeeyy! i'm saving deeper stuff for tomorrow, but there isn't anything wrong with me discussing modern life.

not much to say, right? hmm, i suppose a decent teacher evaluation might be due (circa 2008)
philosophy. i had no idea math could be so poetic. reallly. i couldn't even fathom sentences could literally be transmuted into sequences encompassing everything i've feared from mathematics. i'm not a fan of this class (not every bit of socrates is used literally, but there is stlll god existence things going on). the professor is definitely my favorite, though. he's the kind of person who doesn't teach or explain very well, but tries to joke around and make the class enjoyable (kinda works, everyone's pretty much asleep since our class starts rather eeearly--the mtp dog was rather good!). i think i like him much more as a person. such an adorable old guy..you don't really get them these days.

he basically looks like this, but his name is NOT noam chomsky.
my other two profs are...about the same level regarding how much what i think of them/the class. ..it's what i imagine to be the same.

i'm disappointed to be learning that languages are being stripped from their ambiguity and elegance to be dissected in a manner to be understood. pshh. i kinda don't wanna be majoring this.

the edu brief. white and tight?

2010-10-05T15:40:00.000-07:00

what a change in weather. it feels like fall now. the question i seem to be getting a lot of these days is, "how's school?" i tend to reply, "it's ok." and inside i'm really thinking what i'm saying. in any scenario, i figure school is school and being here is no different from old college days, etc. also being no stranger to these stranger times, avec tous ces mecs.

however pleasant the weather has been, outbursts of rain and the gradual increase in coolness, i still wish it were more frigid. i've lately realized my birthday is coming up quick (the notion of getting another year older skipped my mind indefinitely for some reason). i can't fathom how old i've gotten and how much in common i have with most of the living venture family. thinking too much about the future and continuing to stare out windows during lectures (should there be any in the room). dreaming of those far off locales, the different countries i've tasted and long to savor to the fullest extent.
it almost comes off as perverse, that last part, don't it?

upon the start of this academic year, i've returned to pere goriot. everything in it still rings ridiculously true, but i want to change a few ideas that have plagued me.

par exemple:

"We are as hard on a feeling for showing itself too completely as we are on a man for not having any money."

and, you know, i'm like vautrin so, indeed.

no lick, self stick, not sick

2010-09-28T13:20:00.000-07:00

it is hot. it was hot yesterday, it's hot today, and i'm anticipating more melting good times for the rest of the week. i can't believe this kinda weather…it’s nearly October, people. To put it into perspective: I stripped down nearly nekkid when I got home yesterday. I lounged around like that for almost an hour. and I was still sweaty. Even in the morning, when I open my eyes and realize I have to go to school, it feels stuffy—pretty much like an oven. Not because it’s sunny, it’s actually humid.
Anyway, I have to stress the difficulty in regards to connecting to the internet at my apartment. Apparently it involves the whole building and I dunno when they’re gonna fix this whole damn predicament, but I’ve sparsely wi-fi’d and had to use school connection today (as I type I’m in a library! The other one I found the yesterday that isn’t as blah as the powell one). When I think about it, I can’t exactly find an exciting even to bring up that could be deemed blogworthy. Eeehhhmmm, any plans I originally had haven’t come into fruition….

oh my god, i have to mention my annual return to manga/anime related crap! over a year ago it was bleach, right? ok, it's back to scanlations a la summer before sophomore year. i absolutely cannot get enough of this: Say I'm Cute and a little more hardcore (wait..should it be? i mean, this is really more physical) version--Love Stalking!
It's all too relevant, making me regret a few decisions i've made.
if you care for something less sentimental, here's a bit of hilarity and disturbing you can read in choku!

obviously any aspects of my life are too mundane to read up on..

God, won't it end.

2010-09-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

here i am in my new wonderful apartment and going to school everyday thus far, even though classes haven't started yet, to familiarize myself with these foreign surroundings. i still get lost on campus, but at least i'm fairly certain i know where my classes for this quarter will be. regretting i didn't dorm on campus a bit since i gotta walk through these hilly streets and i have no idea when some activities or whatever are going on (can you fucking believe i missed bruin bash??!! i feel like such a loooosser..). i just wasn't keen on the fact that the housing stuff made meals a mandatory add on and 12 people sharing 1 bathroom...um, maybe not.
My general feelings regarding UCLA are...ehm, bland. I know there are some people who are crazy-excited to be bruin and break out in the eight clap every few minutes, but--i could give less of a fuck. just looking forward to graduating and worrying about real like again (oh my god. do you have a deadline to be married and/or pregnant? no? oh, sorry, i guess you don't have concerned older friends like me). I mean--I think it's because all the transfers are put together with the freshmen for new kid stuff and seeing all these students in all their blue and gold apparel emblazoned with those four letters--I've been through this before, granted it wasn't even close to this good, so it's nothing new. In some respects i kinda wish i went to san diego. curses i wasn't able to visit the campus there before having to decide! the scene here..makes me long for...pcc. sadly.
of course that could change over time--i'm willing to see how this will go.

what's really getting to me are those asian guys with glasses. what. the fucking. hell.
also the dripping of rain or whatever liquid onto the exterior of my ac unit that i can do absolutely nothing about (FOR NOW).
leaving it at that.

unimpressioned wid new yuck

2010-09-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

remember how i was so fucking excited about this trip to nyc that i started laying out nearly 5 months ago? well, i just came back. so, maybe you can tell from the title how felt in regards to this city..i think i was so upset with the mediocrity since i had built up this fantastical place in my head (thanks a lot, movies of my childhood and tv shows) and i guess since i've seen much more awesome cities before ever setting foot there (yes, Tokyo, London, and Paris, you guys are my faves).
Not everything was horrid--I was just expecting more. I was reminded of a super crowded Chicago, except this was probably the original deal. I liked the subway, even though it was kinda really rank, since it was totally efficient and made getting around super easy once i figured out where i wanted to go. (some) people definitely dress better, like, in a european way; it's a totally different aesthetic to los angeles.
also, i was there during FNO and fashion week. The opening ceremony guy thought i worked in fashion (quel doux~). The sad of the FNO deal was not seeing karl, tom ford, alexander wang, getting free stuff, etc based on the account of my feet being massacred from walking in seemingly comfortable shoes. the only slightly famous person i saw was chrisian siriano at saks playing pictionary. he's so petit and adorable and hyperactive. ok. i don't want to bore you with the rest of my bad first experience (..heheh..), i'll throw in a few pictures of any noteworthy memories.

i must say, the bergdorf goodman has to be the most amazing department store i have ever been in. EVER. it's so wonderful inside..
oh, and these guys were dancing all nite long at the LV store on 9/10.

Up in 90210

2010-09-02T20:02:00.001-07:00

i found this a while ago, within the past few weeks, and since it's been taking up tab space i've decided to put it here.
good criteria for dating/fucking.
when i followed the chart with my recent encounters it only led to the nasty. i wonder if i shoulda done it. hm. in other words, i've been lonely lately and it's very, very depressing.
of course that's a rather normal sensation for someone like me.
moving on.
my obsession with avatar: the last air bender maybe dwindling (it was a mere two weeks ago i got into that shit). i watch the last episode today, some of it, and i felt free knowing how it ended.
although, i do have an inkling to watch the live-action movie and check out the spin off that's in the works.
that makes me feel...very fangirl in a disturbed way.
oh well, there's always gaspard ménier.

hahahaha, link dumping.

revisiting all. Conflicted

2010-08-31T20:01:00.000-07:00

the last day of the month. school has already started some places near me: the high school (and probably all the other schools in this district) and PCC. gosh, that place will always have a special place in my ...educational equivalent to a heart. while driving by there today, i saw the surges of students in that back-to-school influx i feel i'm over, but always nervously anticipate. I've almost a month free before i have that sickening sensation again. so, this was on hiatus while people were over and i had a brief vacay in vegas where i learned my dog had run off (not romantically with another dog, to my false dismay) only to find out he made his way home.
recap of last week in pitchers.

a tired boy.
i'm busy these days, wrapping up college stuff and trying to figure out what to do and how to get around in NYC next week. i'm excited. thank the lawd i got me some decent travel time after six months of hard labor.

on A RoLL

2010-08-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

aaron johnson as seen on jaw porn, angus, thongs, etc film, the vagueness of kick-ass, and now in the future with nowhere boy.

i swear to god. it's like jeremy davies and guy pearce, but much much much better looking and kinda real-life scandalized.

i can't believe he's playing john lennon. w.t.f.h.
that surprised me, more so than that old lady he knocked up.

experience the retrospective

2010-08-02T12:22:00.000-07:00

after finally returning to cali....all the excitement i've harbored for the last five or so months, anticipating eating burritos and in n out, it's been a little of a let down. well, it wasn't as spectacular as i led myself to believe--it was just like an ordinary day, like just going home after spending a night/week away; no time seemed to have passed. i just didn't feel any significance, really, and i have to admit the last two times i returned to the u.s. after living abroad for extended times, I cried when i when i finally got past all the customs stuff and saw all the people waiting..and my family. i don't know if it's because i'm older and i have a different relationship/view of my parents or...well, my main speculation is the fact that i was leaving the people that i had gotten so close too; deep down inside, i was sure we'd never really talk to each other the same way nor would i see them (not as often in some instances). i'd miss these people more that anything, even if a few of them upset my in ways i could never fathom in reality (no..i don't think i suck giant cocks...well, maybe not four years ago). i think this time around i didn't come back with any of them on the same plane so...there was no emotion knowing i'd be leaving people i'd actually gotten close to. i was close to tears, i have to admit, but none of them flowed.

back to the main reason of this post: what was life in korea LIKE?? i sense you're dying to know and imma be honest with you...when i first got notified i got accepted into this this i was all, "Shit. What the fucking hell have i gotten myself into??" I can explain. See...i have some issues with a select few koreans and the language has plagued me since my youth (read here for a refresher on my early years). and when i got there..whoooo. it was like reliving the cliques from school and church and, yeah, i couldn't find myself fitting in with any particular group (well, i made friends the first day, but they ended up in different groups and i was long forgotten and i never really saw/talked to them again until the end of orientation in feb...even then,i didn't end up talking to most of them at all). i just wasn't into those kinda people i was so goddamn sick of seeing the same kinda drones, in the korean american sense, that haven't been the nicest of people in my experience.

that was a hard time for me since i was quite excited to meet people i'd enjoy hanging around and maybe visit throughout my time in korea. that might get discussed later.

hm, moving on. when i got to hamyang...it was all right. i really was expecting much, much more worse, like, totally out in the middle of nowhere and farms everywhere (ok, that last part wasn't an exaggeration). and, honestly, i felt out of place when i met some of the other teachers there. and, yeah, it got really, really, really awkward about a month in so...i kinda basically committed social suicide for yet again. at the beginning i couldn't stand how the older people walked in the middle of the sidewalk, creating a nearly impossible labyrinth to maneuver through to get anywhere. i can't even begin to describe the smells. it became apparent in the spring and escalated to atrociousness in the summer. it was madness (but not sparta).

my school life? how was that? yes, it was wonderful learning i'd have to teach at three different schools all within thirty minutes from where i lived.

i was expecting only one, but, gosh, i felt so honored knowing i had to sacrifice a strong relationship with my kids to teach english on alternating days (there were times when these students lashed out, mostly inappropriately, when they discovered the other schools i frequented). it was a WONDERFUL surprise to discover my korean scholar helper had quit on me so I was gonna have to teach and discipline (yeah..none of that really went on) alone. written sarcasm is wonderfully subtle, no? the point i'm trying to make--besides being bombed with the news of having to go to three different place, two once a week--is i never really got to know my students and ..i really wanted to; i thought that was one of the greater positive aspects of this program-which-shall-not-be-named-here. english learning is great and all, but i wanted to leave a nice impression on the kids--i swear i just learned the names of my fourth graders at my main school (well, some second graders, too). the times where i didn't have sufficient teaching materials...or arrived unprepared. oh, the improvisations i made! enough about work and school--hahahaha it's the same thing! i never would have imagined--other aspects of interest occurring in my six months away:
i met my other family i haven't seen in ages. i was barraged with the "do you have a boyfriend?" question and accused of being FAT. the latter was particularly nice to hear from a cousin i last saw as a baby. i kept my cool and took the opportunity to actually get to know them and at times feign an interest or reaction signifying i had learned something interesting/i had never heard before.so, i'll definitely be back to attend my older cousins' weddings, which i hope will happen soon to at least one of them...who's a girl.
to be fatally honest, i shed tears countless times. on the bus, at home, at other people's homes, on the train in seoul, in restrooms...basically everywhere. it wasn't just that i didn't like it there, realizing that all my speculations had come true; i gained a total awareness of the situation and MY LIFE. crazy. i couldn't believe it either at the time. acceptable catharsis time.
aside from all the events i've construed as awful about this overseas occupavation--occupation vacay!--(poignantly those occurring in april, june, and july) this was a good time for me to learn about korea, the not-so-scary-holier-than-thou-seeming side i'd been so accustomed to. seriously, i know nothing beyond k-pop (not even that much) and cute stationery (like japan rip-offs, but still cute nonetheless). i got crazy amounts of history and language and culture thrown at me, it's a shame my head didn't explode.

i remember way back in march, i'm sure it was then, when another english teacher in hamyang asked what i liked about korea. i replied, "I don't know" and went on a mini spiel about how i really didn't like most/any aspects of korea (how would you feel about it if you grew up going to flip parties and witnessing your only 이모 living in the u.s. stress all educational aspects on your once happy cousins). but. i can attest to a few things i found enjoyable during my time there. i grew to like bus rides, my absolute favorite route was on fridays 4:30 or 5:00 PM from Anui to Hamyang. it signified the beginning of the weekend where i could get out of town (i swear, i spent maybe two, three weekends tops, in hamyang and it wasn't great fun...i mostly slept). those were definitely the most relaxing rides. i also liked taking buses that ushered me out of hamyang, back to civilization i had been introduced to upon my arrival (it really wasn't as glamorous as i thought it might be, but what was i expecting anyway?). i also developed an adoration for all the greenery. forestry and mountains--everything reminded me of totoro. it was pleasant to witness that sort of nature.

the combination of bus rides & seeing all the green was splendiferous, i tried to relish it all before i reached my destination. those were the best times i had that i can share with you without revealing all the intimate, often unwantedly surprising, smut i succumbed to. not all of it was heinous. most of it was, but, like i said, i'm not getting into that stuff. not here at least.
and i believe cristal was a godsend. i never told her this, yet intended to in a heartfelt letter, but she was like an older sister to me. we had things in common and were a little similar and the greatest part was she could understand everything i said. i had someone to talk to at work, to bring up my problems and to discuss hers--it was a educational friendship match for the ages. when i return to korea, for that wedding, you know, i vow to visit her (gosh, in anui??). i miss our talks and simultaneous stares of bewilderment when we didn't quite understand the korean spoken at us. hahaha, that was fun..bearable times.

i guess i've vented a little. i want to finish this up. so. maybe you're thinking, "well, i really just wanted this girl to give one word to surmise her feeling, being back in l.a. and all." right. i'mma give it to you: relief. past tense if you know what's good for you.
here's some cream to further express my sentiments.

ok. so this program wasn't the best thing i ever done. i can't exactly call it out, but it's easy to tell which one it is. i'm not saying you shouldn't apply, not everyone grew up like me with vague knowledge of these things that make a harrowing impression. you might be a lucky one who actually has a good time all the time. i can't stress enough how much i felt so...

i'm so excited--all i cans do is Hide it

2010-07-26T07:54:00.000-07:00

less than one week to go. unfinished business i'd like to attend to. upcoming post is all about my time here. expect epic essay style like when i kinda quit college in '08. i will be talking mad shit. like "this".

wiggle and Pull Out!

2010-07-21T03:18:00.000-07:00

end of the semester! yesh! i spent most of my day reading the ________(insert school faculty member) from the black lagoon series--so nostalgic--and ricky ricotta. this activity made me long for my juvenile library housed in my room. i'm so gonna rere-read the phantom tollboth. what else have i been up to, you wonder? mmm, packing, i filled one suitcase and i'm sure it can take in a little more, and discovering these cute vids:

and this

iant.
i nearly od'd on paul rudd. his dancing in the earth costume = so adorable.
so ready to go home, back to palm trees and mexicans and acceptable television. one more week?? i know i can do it, but....

eghrh, it's gonna last FOREVA.

passing bye

2010-07-16T02:57:00.000-07:00

I write like
James Joyce

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

i don't believe it. this is not stream of consciousness or a fille based bildungs roman.
things i realised aujoud'hui: i have a week of work left and i mean, like, the length spans a real 7-day week (not just business days). Two, I have shitloads to pack and since i'm part of the elite slacker society i ain't done nothing (major) yet.
everything's going to happen like that [insert snap here].

and..i have to admit that i lied two posts ago about busan. this will be my *official* last time there this weekend.

I'm not good at these...will waving suffice?

2010-07-14T01:56:00.000-07:00

It's over! Two schools down and one to go. One more week. Eesh. And then a whole 'nother week. EEEEE. But most of the stress is over. I can relax and worry about my main kids for the remainder of my time here; i can finally start developing that teacher-student relationship i promised i'd make five months ago with them.

Today didn't go exactly as i intended, namely sine i almost thought that english class was cancelled because my 1^st & 2^nd students were about 20 mins late. at least half of the period was gone so i could just review by showing them creepy bug pictures and treat them to a pink panther episode. Grades 3 & 4 was almost the same situation...and i just let them draw, eventually showing this classic towards the end of class. etc. i had also planned to give ALL of my students mini, *super mini*, gift "bags" filled with stickers and candy. i only gave one out..and one girl thought it was trash. that made me feel so sad.

i spent so much time making them last night~~~!!

oh well.

enjoy this last day of cuteness and quite possibly my ass. unedited for your pleaaasssuree.

one thing i could never get: how the fuck was it that the school i worked the earliest always had me home the latest and vice versa for the school i worked latest at?

Wiggy wack

2010-07-11T08:14:00.001-07:00

so.i think i saw the majority of my family in busan for the last time. it was rainy and somber and funny when the wig got cut/we watched shrek. i really should have gotten my hair did too, but i don't know if the lady would've known what i wanted..anyway. one cousin went on a spur of the moment-seeming trip to japan and i had intended to give her some stuff and tell her the new interesting shit in my life...ehh. whatevs. i think i'll be missing mr. kindergarden-bread. this is the second time i've seen him and..yeah, quite humorous.

my last week at two schools begins! i don't know...i feel so much more relieved than sad with the exception of the one kindergarten class.
i'm relishing the moments when people are too shy to speak to me in english, but turn out to be genuinely talented in the language. emphasis on the latter.

limited Edition Orgy t-shirts, exclusive access

2010-07-04T06:53:00.000-07:00

foreign fourth of july take dos. it wasn't great; no fireworks or bbqs to say the least--i didn't get to eat anything at all/minutely delicious until after 7pm. that was truly unintentional. i think i'm getting ill again. i don't know what happened...it just feels like something is constantly caught in my throat.
so about this weekend. it didn't start off so well on friday, i think, because i kinda got ditched then got lost for a while in a drizzly seoul. friday night was nice. before i got tired and was feeling gross from the rain/humidity combo. meeting people was nice. especially ones i had never seen before in my life. that was great, really. things happened, not exactly what i had thought would, but...stuff did occurred. i just thought it might end up with another at the time. hmmmm.
after two or three hours of sleep it was off to the mud thing which i didn't take part in. i felt extremely dirty the whole day. ....a good weekend overall, maybe. all because of the orgies.

i was pleasantly surprised seoul's weather and sky was marvelous on sunday. what a nice time i woulda had sauntering about if i had gotten up earlier. instead i got two ridiculously itchy bug bites on my left ankle.

Thus spoke ///Z

2010-06-28T03:05:00.000-07:00

hello. it still doesn't feel like summer despite it being the end of june. i mean, it don't feel like the right month; i keep checkin' myself--the weather reminds me of march back home sans the humidity. i'm suffering the -itis relating to the excitement of something finishing, variable known as senoritis back in the days of high school. i have no idea what the equivalent of that is now...vacationitis? penultimatitis? whatever, i'm restless and eager for the end of this semester.
hhem.
i think this is major: "God Makes Music". I was told He could make amazing things, but possibly big banging beats when his sounds get put together? Exceptional.
other great news: i can officially get into hijinks and look good. i've pretty much mastered the dance from bande à part. i'd do goddard proud, busting out in synchronized fluidity with my dastardly cohorts. pending i can find at least two other people who know how to do this dance.

concern. stop.

2010-06-22T03:41:00.000-07:00

i can't believe i nearly spent the night at school. i'm sure that would've happened. i like how no one at school gives a shit about the english teachers, or disregards important information that should be relayed to them. inverted molestation, one more times, and wallowing in wonder. what a great tuesday.
i fear i might've contracted something. sharing drinks, no matter how cute they may be, is a bad idea..especially considering that today's school is tailored for sicker children. oh joy.
condemning self-loathing.
enlightenment ruined everything for me.

think happy thoughts. think happy thoughts. think happy thoughts.

Relating to an absent person

2010-06-20T04:24:00.000-07:00

let's calculate: 140 days in korea. fathomable? yes. enjoyable? not entirely. everything feels so nostalgic and it triggers the trauma i've inadvertently harbored all these years.
it's all on me, isn't it? i've made it what it is, the intolerable days that go by (a lot easier to stand now) and the social suicide i've committed (not as prevalent, but still). hm. i make for a miserable existence.

anyway, there is concern for me from others, especially about looking like i should be in the sense of my age and my intentions. i understand what's meant, but doing that here?? questionable beyond reason. it's not like i want that attention..all the time or here, for that matter. this sounds ridiculous déjà vu. if you care to backtrack, please do and tell me i've said everything already.
from my recent readings...and film viewings on the youtube i have concluded (at least for me) death to be a romanticized aspect of life while love...oh, this absent, seemingly easy ritual of being--it's illusory and elusive and malignant. It won't ever arrive, will it? that isn't what i meant to say, i merely forgot the realization i made before. yet. i know that deep down inside, even before i read pere goriot, i never showed my love. BALZAC!!! why did you have to solidify my suspicions? this runs deep; i may never display affection or admiration blatantly. i fear relationships parallel to my parents. this cannot be. i don't want it to ever be.

actions to take place: risks, good deeds, some form of whatever included in love's realm with someone i share an undeniable & star cross'd affinity with (yes, there needs to be attraction on at least three levels).
isn't this a silly trifle.

when OH When?

2010-06-16T02:05:00.000-07:00

this week without my music has been wretched, thought it isn't nearly as horrible as i had imagined it would be when i started thinking about everything last sunday afternoon. i miss singing on the fly and having my own personal bus soundtrack. dance routines have also been put on hold..until saturday (hopefully).

since this month has been passing by rather quickly, i'm excited about returning home. it's gonna be a bitch moving out and getting my luggage where it needs to be--overlooking all that shit, however, gets me dreaming of moving into my own place in cali, westwood, and having my life in the general, lazy order it's been used to. everyday i feel so much more better knowing i'll be back..the rest of my summer/time before school also consists of plans of greatness galore (lake tahoe, new york city!! finalement!!, maybe oregon/nevada?). excited. excited beyond any words that can express the level of excitement i have.
i'm having another surge in nouvelle vague. it makes me wish for meaningful nostalgia and love affairs with men already involved with someone they think is the one. or just a french guy.
other aspects helping me through these base times: courage the cowardly dog and tiny toon adventures. hilarious. i adore courage. sometimes i throw in a little daria and i know my life can't be that bad. or at least i'll know there are others suffering on the inside just as much as me without truly caring.

i am going to miss my kindergarteners dearly. thinking about leaving gets me all teary eyed, especially when they hug me and say, "I love you."

Death Race of Modern life

2010-06-08T01:35:00.000-07:00

with all the minutely frustrating events going on in my life, i find it odd for me to realize i'm a bad person. not bad in all sense of the word, but, like, making everything appear horrid to the extreme. i'll try not to exaggerate the aggravations. try.
so, im getting used to this loneliness. it's the inevitable. been like this for a while and...ehh. not just that it's easier to deal with, but it's a state i've been in for the longest time, throughout my life, which makes a little sense if you know my persoal history. hmm. what i can't figure out--it just doesn't make sense that i'd be this way considering where i come from (and, no, i'm not referencing my midwest days). polar opposite? The continuing divergence i strive for in every way possible?

it's finally getting unbearably warm. i'm looking forward to getting brown like usual. i really want to color up (responsibly) before i head back home. i knew i was gonna ghost up here; it looks so unhealthy...and i've been involved in these discussions about whiteness and i've been disturbed by the lengths some people (women) go to in order to shield themselves from the sun.
here's how i envision my summer to sound like.

how It feels

2010-06-03T02:43:00.001-07:00

it's JUNE!!!!!!! i would be even more excited if i was gonna get out of school in the middle of this month, but, alas, i must work. at school.

disappointing.

but, i've been here four months. what an accomplishment, no? it feels like sunday everyday and i don't mean feeling the trepidation of the upcoming week or relaxing on the last day of the regular weekend. it deals with an institution i feel obliged to attend out of pity, almost, regarding my childhood, and one i've tried to escape for maybe seven years? damn this guilt i carry. damn. why do i have to understand what she went through?
to be truthful, like the good ol' days, i'm rather upset. i have to admit...i sometimes cry on bus rides to and from school or other places. it's because i'm thinking about my childhood and how much fun i've had, namely elsewhere. but. this could all be the result of my scheduled tom..so, these nostalgic feelings make hyper-emotional. and since last weekend...i've gotten hooked on the same thing that was consuming my march and april. GODDAMN. not like i'm going to do anything about it--it's fucking futile, right? intending to go into detail with this issue in 'this'. i'm too prone to fail at these things.

core no viet just Flip. Get it Right.

2010-05-30T08:14:00.000-07:00

ok, I should stop with any expectations. i think my new course of action is extreme impassiveness regarding anything i get remotely excited about. also, i want to be, how do you say...decisive? anyway, this "i don't know"/"maybe"/"i don't care" phase has been pwning me for the past three or four years. at times i can make up my mind...perhaps distractions.
i'm not fucking southeast asian all the way--that mistake has pissed me off throughout my time here.

in an unrelated note, i was thinking these past few days..about how i feel overall, really focusing on high school times to now. this is what i deduced:

my level of happiness is on the low end near that purpley sad faced fool. i think it's something i've felt predominantly throughout senior year of high school up til now. i laugh and there are few things i've claimed have made me happy, but these are all fleeting. i would like to find something that gets me towards the orange.

divergently, here are some great interview tips. i do #4 constantly, wherever.

dreaming of summer sauntering in Echo park. W/O hipsters.

2010-05-28T03:26:00.000-07:00

oh me. oh may. now intonate invariably to speak in a new language. maybe. anyway. this month was kinda enjoyable. maybe because i saw some people i'd been wanting to see and i didn't work as much as the two previous months. not so stressed anymore (except dealing with 1^st & 2^nd). i'm trying to make this the best month ever...at least before august and september. so, i'll try to keep low expectations and whatever eagerness still lingers for any upcoming events.

also, since it's been getting warmer (the weather here is...not at all to my liking) i've been craving to bust out in dresses or skirts. however. not here. no. i want to; alternatively, i figure it would bring unwanted attention from those i don't care to become the object of interest. anyway here's my summer cloths (i mean cloth + s, not a typo) lust list thus far:

Dresses:

i like that it's babydoll. the print kinda reminds me of tigers. it's kinda a nite time summer dress; good for fall transistion, no?
at OC.

This is adorable and oc-ish, but for cheaps. cheapers. i'm into those trippy, messier (galactical, refer to this French Guy) colors.

madewelll..
to be honest, i'm totally diggin' in a ton of that madewell stuff. like, so seriously.

rag and bone stripey. it reminds me of that thrift store tshirt i left in l.a., but this is longer and with pockets and more $$.

i can't get the picture for the last one, but its from uo.

and.... Hermès. i think the durn kellys and birkins have begun to infect my brain. here would be a cheap alternative (though, looks like it wouldn't hold heavy shit):

at coc.

free underwear

2010-05-25T17:55:00.000-07:00

get your thongs here. it's FREE.
humorous, no?

boys, Boys, the perpetual distraction

2010-05-23T04:03:00.000-07:00

i'm rather happy i found this bit of awesomeness: jaw porn. holy. it doesn't hurt that the faces attached to the jaws are also mighty fine. i died when paul rudd popped up; pleasantly surprised james franco has a younger brother who looks nice too. i crave some variety in guys (totally nonexistent/lacking here) and this provided a good fix. i find myself craning my neck to check out any white guys within my vicinity (the last time i saw a relatively acceptable one was in 대구). ....i really, really miss seeing shitloads of white guys that are actually appealing. like seriously.

now for a shameful bit. and you thought sexy jaws were embarrassing (ooh, the scraggly beards above all~): let me give a throw back to mr. alex turner. i tend not to think about him as much these days. but. i've watched a helluva lotta korean tv, much to my dismay, and seen this one bloke who i found to resemble my old infatuation. he's also in music and alternates the short/long-shag hair. it's 민호 from 샤이니. i think there's some semblance. see here:

AND

similarities, no?
quite possibly a hair connection. i like the juxtaposition of cute: the boderlining on ultra-feminity good boy and the kinda bad-ass. also the fact that they're not even the same ethnicity intrigues me.

conclusion:
a)i still like cute guys
b)i am now searching for my available hoppa alex turner & 민호 guy (like i wasn't already doing the former..)

whawhat, you Changed, girl.

2010-05-17T06:21:00.000-07:00

i feel significantly different for some reason. it's been this way since last friday, maybe? i don't think i'm the way i used to be; not saying anything really dramatic (like, physically) has happened. it ain't the same. it's a little difficult to explain and it's almost as if everything i say is like a broken record, stuck on repeat.

too much wondering. i think.
also, i'm starting my transition from dance-y electronic music to bluesy rock/r'n'b/funk. hello black keys, sharon jones, and joe tex.

and growing out my hair is a bitch. it's in that awkward phase where it's all in my face and wavy where i don't want it to be--the epic question to answer: to bang or not to bang?

one hundred: Missing the real sun and smog

2010-05-12T06:07:00.000-07:00

i counted yesterday. the results are in. i've been in south korea for 100 days. Seriously. i know that really isn't that many, but it freaks the shit out of me when i realize how long it's actually been. i think i'm going through the mid-life crisis of teaching here; the intrigue and wonder of being away from home/things i'm used to has waned significantly. take today, for example, my students were a lil bit difficult to deal with and i was all acting like i kinda didn't care (i really didn't know what to say considering they probably wouldn't understand). i'm very tired. trying to recover from last week's trips. ....
hmm, days are getting less tolerable. the time passes faster, i've noticed. i can't really say how i feel without sounding completely disconcerting to some.

my ideas for topics to teach and games to play are nearly exhausted.

Too back and blue

2010-05-11T02:02:00.000-07:00

gone for while, i think. shit's happened. my week off was generally uneventful and the moment i anticipated for so long was, like.......a little bit of a let down. at least i didn't have to work. some of my students supposedly missed me, but they didn't really show it.
ugh. i want to go home, to my real home..although there are problems there, too. seems like everywhere i go i get obscenely unhappy/disappointed within an extended period of time. i think i'm starting to constantly look sad. i find myself dreaming of other (better) places like i used to: staring out windows and wondering. goddamn.

when i do get back to america, to fucking california, i swear i'mma eat some delicious things regardless of what it originally came from. but i promise to stop before school and dally with the idea of veganism (however, i quite adore leather...). speaking of real, my future pending school, i have decided to ucla. it mostly pains me to say that; i feel like such a part of the majority..to justify my decision i have to admit that it seriously is the best school for my major (and the cheapest and the easiest to get into considering the other top choices were mit, caltech, and nyu--none of which i dared to apply to). i'm mostly concerned with where i'mma be living; there is no way in fucking hell i want to dorm. no way. it's so expensive around there. eeesh.

tangentially, i want to show what i've been currently obsessing over: two tone leggings--opaque and sheer à la AA and OC.
i think the obvious purchasing choice would be american apparel, plus, i like the contrast with that one better. and after seeing this one picture of lily allen i totally want to expose my ass this summer. or...this year. i seriously want to showcase that feature since i've always kinda figured my bum was awesome. like, something i've actually been proud of other than my hands. god, i miss dressing nice. i feel if i pull any of that shit here i'll be eyed in ways that will give me even more nightmares. i don't want no attention from the guys here. no.
lastly, i have found that i have been listening to music that sounds as if it could be played in the background of a porno. porno soundtrack-ish music. i loves it like this

and that.

The let down !! exasperation

2010-04-27T01:51:00.000-07:00

bejeebus. everyday this week has started out fairly well, it gets a good climax, but the denouement is shits. i come home all in high spirits and the culmination of the day ends up dashed. god. it fucking pisses me off. 'm seriously starting to think about what i'll end up doing in the next three months. i really have no intention of staying here longer...then i think about the cash i'll be making and the little kids that i've really grown attached to.
i used to really, really, really kinda dislike children/feel extremely awkward around them (especially telling them to do something). not so much now. i could probably handle real american, english speaking kids. maybe.

i'm thinking about real school, for me, and i want to finish the damn thing. i'll be free to do more wandering around the world, possibly making more money. i don't know...friday for sure, i'll have all the information i need to make a gooood decision. korea's been treating me like a third rate bitch so far. i've been fucked over too many times.
excited for a potential WEEK off of work. excited, though not necessarily pleased.

It's not an ok good time yet, raring to GO

2010-04-22T04:26:00.000-07:00

hahahaha. it really feels like friday. i seriously mixed up my days this week; everything felt so damn topsy turvy. i have one more day to go! arrrrrggg. that's my impression of an angry, upset pirate. i really like how this week started like shit and it ended like the a field of roses. It looks and smells nice, but it's thorny..my analogies are horrid, it's the result of a lack of good english literature classes/reading.
i also have an extreme crush on spanish guys. like Andrés Velencoso. it's because of this:

my eyes fell out when i saw it for the first time.
this really makes me want to go to spain.
......

the Calm before a storm, badness on the Rise

2010-04-15T03:00:00.000-07:00

it was surprising that today was actually really, really nice. i had to teach kindergarten mostly by myself (trying to quiet down and keep the interest of thirty kids under 6 is daunting in any respect, i think), but i survived! it's actually me conjuring up this post to surmise my day, as far as you know. second grade was easier to handle; three students from the usual 10-12 since we split the classes like it was supposed to be. although, trying to teach bingo is a very difficult task...and fourth grade! new student! forever bingo part 2 with no winners.

I really don't want to be evaluated tomorrow. It's seriously too much pressure..but it'll be over in a jiffy, probably and depending on how long the principal and vice principal stay to watch me , and i'll look back and laugh at how much anxiety i thought i had at the time.

i've come to realize that, despite it all, i adore the children. yeah, i definitely have favorites (i think all the little boys with glasses are absolutely tops..maybe i sympathize the fact they have poor eyesight, but i've always had a fondness for people with glasses); i think the 금반 kindergarteners are my all time faves..maybe tied with the kindergarteners and some second graders at 안의...i totally think there's a second grader who likes me too much...i mean, he's jumped on me, scared me nearly shitless (the sneak-behind-your-target-and-yell-when-he/she-turns-around tactic was employed), and always want to do the dancing singing activities with me. if another kid tried to intervene and do anything with me he gets kinda violent (ie: kicking). and he resembles jonathan taylor thomas. a little.
i would have to say the only aspect of life here i really can't stand is...where i'm situated and sometimes the food. it's interesting how i find that i'm not really as lonely as usual. at least..i think i'm not as lonely. on the outside?

Mmm, talk science to me

2010-04-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

home weekend! i'm surprised i don't get extremely bored..i guess because i found this. I didn't know he was a guy from harry and the potters--i mean, i had heard of the band, maybe listened to a few songs in high school...however it weren't nothing i was crazy about (amusing, yes). Now i have an obscene crush on scientists, namely those in the field of physics (there is a connection!)...i remember those olden days in the lab and playing with magnets. Seriously, science stuff is in my blood, but it's not the main component of my being, to the disappointment of my parents.

In other unrelated browsing news: NIPPLE BUTTER!

I know it's supposed to be for ladies who are breast feeding and get chapped/irritated around that area..there are reviews here praising it's multi-usefulness.

fucking hilarious.
that's not the clip i wanted, but it was the best quality for what i wanted to exemplify. i was looking for one with lois showing her boobs to brian and talking about the afflictions.

OK, tmi-time: I occasionally get itchy and dry nipples. It started in high school, i think, and i couldn't find a good remedy to soothe them until i started using the palmer's cocoa butter. it smells delicious btw. nowadays my nips aren't dry, but if they start to i'd really like to try this.

the California english Dreaming goth, Los Angeles--I'm yours

2010-04-08T05:12:00.000-07:00

i don't know why i'm listening to led zeppelin again. it's reminiscent of middle school and early high school and those long, vacation road trips. also brighton.

i'm seriously starting to long for home, disappointingly pining for Los Angeles. I fucking miss burritos and trader joe's truffle bread and target. my god--no target makes me miserable..there's so much to see and do there. it's the browsing i miss the most. my experience here hasn't been overwhelmingly awful; i'm not really regretting going across the ocean to teach. being in korea isn't such a difficult transition. it harnesses memories of youth and uncomfortableness i constantly feel (usually on a weekly basis in the homeland). i always feel stressed, however, and generally uncertain.
one thing i'm most upset about: the boy selection. i mean, there isn't much cuteness to my preference. to be frank, i don't much care for korean or most asian guys in general..oh my, i feel a little bit horrible for saying that. i mean, the kind of guys here are just....not what i want. i have no intention of staying here for a long ass time, although there is a possibility of returning for work in the future, and, to be really, really, really, really honest...since i'm already mixed, like, already korean, so what's the point in trying to keep everything the same? if or when i choose to procreate the future, i'll be looking for someone who's ideally on opposite ends of the spectrum (mm, euro-asian). i just want a serious blend. that's for the long term, bordering on however long forever might last. short term...i don't really care as long as he's cute (scraggly beard, sad eyes, and equally fancy hands included?). probably asking for too much here....also so not sure if any attempts of transitory relationships should develop. eh. the options are just..eghhh.

excuse me while i be Waif

2010-04-02T03:10:00.000-07:00

i have no tribulations regarding anything particularly large or unwanted growing inside of me! what a relief. i truly feared europe déjà vu...really. not at a great time, but it's ok. ok.

weekly deal, this is. i can probably sum up the memorable aspects of my week in two words: (passive-aggressive-'06-ish) scolding & crying. Most of half of that happened to me.

i'm not ready for planning and the disappearance of time. where does it go?
(the internet or spending time with people eating and talking about stuff.)

Living for the WeekEnd

2010-03-28T00:54:00.000-07:00

i'm sure some kid(s) from my three-days-a-week school is(are) a thief(no "f" eves). i was looking forward to the weekend, but not necessarily what i would be doing. it turned out ok in the end. and i met a plastic surgeon so i can probably get those double d's and maybe pull a jennifer grey. anyway. i'm generally tired.
i really know what anna (not the one recently married, the one who used to teach at my school until last month) means about having her kid grow up somewhere that isn't so...ummmhnm, uncouth like 1/3 of home.
if i really think about it...i can't fucking believe i'm in korea. and that ship sinking had me worrying about my cousin. he's alive. shaken and stirred, but still kicking. i don't think that reference/analogy (?) is particularly pertinent to the situation. i guess i'm used to people speaking korean, despite understanding near nothing of what they are saying, and speaking to me in butchered english. i know that second bit the best. i am an amateur expert. i think that's the biggest difference from when i've been abroad for a considerably long time. i was at least familiar with the languages in those places and, i'm a little sorry to say, was definitely more excited for for my voyages there. hmmm, it's just like home but on a massive scale of realistic-ness.

and i found a playable version of that love zombie game i talked about nearly two years ago! it's not as awesome as the summer one, i think, since you don't get to ride a speed boat or go parasailing. isn't digression the next best thing ever?

Lost oxford

2010-03-22T03:35:00.000-07:00

i'm annoyed and stressed i can't find something i thought i had, i'm sure i had it...things always up and disappear around me. curses.
been feeling aggravated lately. it's a little of being babied + not eating what i'd like (my god, i miss chipotle and in and out and eagle rock fare...and whole foods) + still being alone + the stress of teaching. the constant sighs aren't a good sign, but they do transport me back home. how i do enjoy a good sigh (about how naive kids are, how awful my day has been, how i'm so generally unhappy, waiting for the bus, etc). mmm, i thought i'd nearly get shanked by a 2nd grader today. he took out his retractable razor-thing and was getting all rambo.
it was scary.

--One of those types; the submissive, good at cooking, prolly freak-ay ones

2010-03-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

i can't fucking believe there are even more people here who think i'm married. couldn't make sense of it when accusations arose in l.a. it may have been even less logical when i was interrogated (..hahaha, lying is such a good way to make best friends and find out who's bimbo-tastic) in europe. the weird thing was i wasn't even wearing that ring that usually makes people think i've been cleaning/cooking/maintaining in a home and having that good ol' sex every night. People generally think i do the latter frequently....i wonder how i exude that sort of vibe (it's the quiet and mysterious aspect of my mien)?
onto whatever it was i wanted to put here. today. my first day teaching at the last school i've been assigned. i really totally loved the kids there. they were so well behaved and knew english so much better than my other students..i had the most fun conducting a draw and spell game with my fifth and sixth graders. *sigh* i need to bring candy next time for the winning team. on that note, my monetary funds are diminishing. the weekend really killed it and i feel awful having people to pay for me (especially the sneaky kinds, it's like i'm back home watching middle aged family members go cut throat for the bill at a restaurant).

since i been in hamyang, i feel as if i never have enough time for anything anymore. maybe my priorities are all mixed up. there just ain't no time.

teacher, teacher

2010-03-15T03:25:00.000-07:00

i was so stressed today. so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so (yes, i'm typing this) stressed. It turned out all righht. I only really taught one class kinda on my own and it was my favorite: kindergarten~! most of them knew their abcs and could count to ten. that was awesome--plus they are super adorable. i hope to get pictures of them sooonn (i loved this little girl with pigtails~~so cute!! and she would raise her hand and say stuff about stuff from my mini ppt intro). 1st/2nd grade was hard to deal with...those boys were a naughty bunch. dancing/jumping/not participating/playing during the lesson. i tried to discipline/get them in order, but they dared to defy me! god..i'm really not accustomed to being an authority figure and being in the teacher's seat feels so weird (i was about to say wrong). fourth grade is a little better, they understand the englishes quite well. they were singing an "i can" song (it might've been from barney...which i watched today. freaked me out a little). i think next time i could be on my own more, but i get stuck with cristal i'd be a little more relieved and make lesson plans with her. damn, why don't i have a fucking korean scholar? but..it's a helluva lot easier to talk with her and she's teaching me korean.

A conversationalist knows you gotta reciprocate

2010-03-12T01:24:00.000-08:00

it was quite pleasant today (except for lunch, i'm really not liking lunch on weekdays). i think a lot of it was attributed to being with crystal during my time at school rather than "david" and his afrocized, froggish teach pal. i actually did some form of work, on my lesson plans for the next week or so. i think it's pretty official: i like the kids at my main school the best. they are mostly

a)cute
b)nice (to me and at least from what i've experienced..)
c)eager to learn english

some, what do call em...read-thru/grammar/spell checks were requested and definitely a bitch to try and fix. it was a lot like high school. i heard a sad story that truly got me on the verge of near tears. i kinda wish i hadn't asked some things..back. i'm wondering how tomorrow will go.

i had a mr. mackey moment and stumbled on this bit (not said by him)--

It is sometimes hard, in times like
these, to understand God's way. Why
would he allow nine innocent people
to be run down in the prime of their
lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps,
shouldn't be driving? It is then that
we must understand, God's sense of humor
is very different from our own. He does
not laugh at the simple "man walks into
a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony
and subtle farcical twists that seem
macabre to you and me. All that we can
hope for is that God got his good laugh
and a tragedy such as this will never
happen again.

Make ya speaks a good Englisher; unicorns

2010-03-09T02:45:00.000-08:00

oh my fucking god. i had my first class today and i didn't think it would be that difficult to do since i sat in & participated in a real class earlier in the day, but--like this doesn't routinely happen--i was WRONG. i didn't know they expected me to just start teaching, getting all the kids together and stuff...it was overwhelming because i was so unprepared...(that fault is all mine). most of those kids, especially the third and fourth graders i had today, were a rowdy bunch who wouldn't listen to me. they really kinda pissed me off. ending my rather horrid day at work was receiving a phone call from a certain somebody i've been meaning to contact and was going to today--it was just so fucking weird that he sorta read my mind/was thinking the same thing, all psychic about it, and i got a ring from him in one of the more awkward locations (ie: in the backseat of a teacher's car while he was giving me a ride home). luckily only one other person was adept in english and didn't know who i was talking to so (and could prolly understand my predicament) he didn't really care. the uncomfortableness got kicked up a notch when i had to have a little looksee at that other english teacher's house. very, very strange because i was still, rudely i speculate, on the phone with that guy.

looking forward to teaching tomorrow? um...at least this time i have an idea in mind.

boobs are the national symbol of power in my country. Not South Korea.

2010-03-05T19:46:00.000-08:00

i am here in hamyang. a small, unexciting from my experience thus far, and generally older people populated ville. i found out this week that i must teach at three different schools. oh. what. the fuck. i really wish they had informed me earlier, like when i found out where i would be going. i shoulda given a preference as to where i wanted to be situated (like actual civilization and my family in those places). but. what's done is done and will be here until the end of july. if i really think about, i can't even begin to fathom how i'll survive here. i'm sooo relieved i'm not living in this town alone and that the people from the program are fluently korean. i'm still working on my basic talking and understanding skills--honestly, i know nothing!
i'll be starting to teach on mon. anxious more than excited. there are so many things i don't know that i need to know before i go in a room with little kids who will barely understand what i'm saying...

anyway, back to the basic practices of this blog:

this is the view from my apt. i like the cloudy mountain feature, it's asianically cinematic..kinda.
even though i've been in south korea for over a month, it still doesn't feel like i'm in korea. it's difficult to explain; it's as if i'm in an alternate universe that brings me back to my childhood...when i was with my mom and other koreans...usually in a religious or familial setting. except this time she's not here to explain and, uh, defend, in a way. oh mans. there have been numerous odd occurrences. some of them are a result of word mix ups. hm. it's just...a distantly familiar feeling.